All I Wanna Do Is Zune-a-Zune-Zune-Zune and a Boom-Boom: Microsoft attacks iPhone, Expands Zune; William Henry Gates III Challenges Steven Paul Jobs to Cage-Match

In what has become an epic battle for the ages, the verbal sparring continues between Microsoft and Apple on the basis of their "flagship devices," the Zune and iPod respectively. Hot-button topics like abortion, the war in Iraq and the best boy band of the 1990s (...N*Sync, duh) pale in comparison to the ever-heated shouting match that erupts in a fiery fit of passion every time the rival MP3 players are pitted against one another. Reminiscent of history's greatest rivalries: Tupac vs. Biggie, Yankees vs. Red Sox, or Sparta vs. Athens, no comparison rings more true than the late 1990s bloodbath that was WCW vs. nWo. Immortalized on Nintendo 64, when these two behemoths faced off, no one was safe. Not since Diamond Dallas Page have we seen the level of intensity employed by Microsoft chief executive Steve Ballmer in his claims that the iPhone has "no chance" of any significant market share. He went on to call Apple's looming James Bond-style secret weapon a "$500 subsidized item." Them be fightin' words.

Despite miniscule sales (in its launch-week, the Zune captured a 9% unit share to the iPod's 63%) and being far less buff, Microsoft furthered their offensive assault as executives made public plans to introduce a new line of Zune media players. Without a projected date, the manager of Microsoft's global marketing team promised video-enabled players with higher storage (like the 60 gig video iPod), a set of more music-focused devices (like the iPod Mini), and a set of USB pendants (like the iPod Shuffle).

In closing, a newly engorged Bill Gates stormed the stage in a one-piece leotard, steroid needles still hanging from his swollen veins and put out a bold proposition for Apple CEO Steve Jobs. Gates was quoted as screaming the following in a flurried union of the most fearless fighters before him:

"Watcha gonna do, Little Steven?! When the 24 inch pythons and Gatesmania destroy you! [takes bite out of iPod] I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"

Balls in your court, Stevie.