I was unaware that it was Mother’s Day when I took my mom to The Olive Garden for breakfast, so I really dodged a bullet with that. And I mean a metaphorical bullet of course. Anywho, my slave-driver of a boss at TMT, Mr P a.k.a. “Slave-Driver,” slapped a news story on my desk the same morning about Azealia Banks releasing her debut EP, 1991, on Interscope/Polydor May 29, digitally, and June 12, physically.
I had no fapping clue who Azealia Banks was. Though, I did think of the “Ashley Banks” character from classic 80s sitcom Freshest Prince, and the episode where Carlton Banks becomes her manager. In order to get some deets, as the kids say, I slid over a cloth napkin to my mom at the table, which read in black lipstick, “Who the fuck is Azealia Banks?”
My mom laughed so hard she squirted breakfast wine out of her nose. “You don’t know Azealia Banks? Never heard “212” featuring Lazy Jay?” I shook my head, indicating I had not heard such a Lazy Jay. My mom continued, “She’s all over Pitchfork. Don’t you read Pitchfork?”
After explaining to my mom that I only go to the Pitchfork Media website to play Sudoku puzzles, she patted me on the pants. To help me out she showed me the “212” video on her phone, and told me the her full-length album, Broke with Expensive Taste, will be out this fall. Thanks, Mom!
I turned in this article at the buttcrack of night, and then I got a page from “Slave-Driver” that Azealia Banks is releasing a mixtape. From a payphone I called him, and he said things like, “Don’t screw this up,” and, “There’s a lot of money riding on this.” Regardless, Banks announced via Twitter that her mixtape, Fantastic, will drop July 4. Too-da-loo.