Aesop Rock to Release Instrumentals, A Capellas, and Lyrics for None Shall Pass, Carrie Bradshaw to Fictitiously Discuss This In Her Fictitious Sex Column, American Women to Blindly Accept That Writing a Sex Column Would Warrant A Budget Sizable Enough For Weird, Expensive Headwraps, Fur Shrugs, Cases of Marlboro Lights, and Enough Cosmopolitans to Kill a Lifetime of Loneliness, Intense Periods of Sexual Frustration and Realized Inadequacy
By AJ Pacitti on Jun 6 2008
What matters more ladies? Your girl friends or love? It has been my experience that a good high-heel romp with your best gal pals can cure any bout of lovesick man drama. As in: there is nothing quite like a gal pal’s love. Gal pals are just perfect. They are sort of well-dressed and giggle coyly when I say the word “gal pal” or when I tell them about the homeless man I slept with last night. I am so wild, I cannot be tamed! (I am 30-something and unmarried and not afraid. Except very afraid.) Why does Samantha like sex so much? Why do I wear weird headwraps? These things I do not know. I do know:
(1) Love conquers all;
(2) So do cosmos!
(3) Aesop Rock has released instrumentals, a capellas, and lyrics for his most recent LP, None Shall Pass (TMT Review), available to be downloaded exclusively at Def Jux.
XOXO – Carrie <3
And Then They Porked: Sunburned Hand of The Man On Tour
By Mango Starr on Jun 6 2008
To prepare for his big date, a young man went onto the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude, but fell asleep and accidentally burned his penis.
Not wanting to miss out on his date with a hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment later that night, and after dinner they went into the living room and listened to all of Sunburned Hand of the Man's 18 related releases from 2008 (seriously, 18).
During the movie, the young man’s sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.
A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that’s how men re-load their things!"
And then they porked:
@ Comets on Fire
$ WHY?, Matmos
MIA Pledges to Use $100K Payday to Build New Schools, Also Pledges to Use “Building of New Schools” to Sell More Records
By Nobodaddy on Jun 5 2008
Man, that M.I.A. is one slippery mango pickle down river! So much so, in fact, that we here in the TMT storyboarding department aren't even sure how to go about satirizing/caricaturizing her these days.
I mean, come on, Maya! Are you a corporate shill of the Warner Music Group?? Or are you a renegade hip-hop activist??? Those cammo-pants could readily suggest either! Sighhhhh... well, TMT ended up being so confused as to how exactly to play this bit of M.I.A. news that we never really got past the ‘rough sketch’ phase this time. Not exactly our proudest moment, but P says that the music news must be told one way or another (he's kind of a megalomaniac, people)... so, for better or for worse, here's our storyboarding department's initial reactions to some of the British/Sri Lankan hip-hop goddess’s recent antics (keep in mind that this department is mostly made up of unpaid high school interns):
- M.I.A. recently announced her engagement to WMG head Edgar Bronfman's son? Boooooo. Fuck that sellout! Waste her in this story!
- Oh, Edgar Bronfman's son is actually legitimate rock guitarist Benjamin Brewer? Hey, that's kinda cool! Never mind, she's all-good! :)
- Hang on, she reportedly collected $100,000 for a performance at an MTV Movie Awards after-party in West fucking Hollywood that was sponsored by Target?? Fucking Charlatan! She's going doooooooown!
- Wait, it was also sponsored by Converse One Star? Yaaaaaaaaaay!! I loooove One Stars!!
- Oh, she only performed for 30 minutes??? Laaaaaaaaaame! She's a sellout for SURE!
- Fuck! After the performance, she jumped on top of a photo booth and told the audience that she is "going to use it to build schools in Liberia... It costs $52,000 to build a school for 1,000"??? Sooooo AWESOOOOOME!!!! M.I.A. Ruuuuules!!! She could build like two schools! Give this story a photo! She's a real activist!!! Hoooooray for M.I.A.!!!
- Oh wait a second here, she then invited women onstage to dance to "Paper Planes," including Jessica Szohr, Jessica Stroup, and Rumer Willis???? uhhh... BOOOOOOOOO!
The Locust Prepare to Inflict Aural Destruction Throughout Europe This Summer
By Liz Louche on Jun 5 2008
Once I went to this party where the host had infused the fuck out of some pineapple into vodka, thereby creating the perfect storm of sweet, tropical goodness and alcoholic potential mayhem. The next day I went to see San Diego band The Locust. I had a hangover that made me feel like I had been repeatedly brained in a dark alley the night before, while small larvae simultaneously hatched and tunneled into my skull. Consequently, watching grown men in fencing masks create extremely harsh, hardcore noise punk in a small, crowded room was one of the worst aural experiences of my life.
And now that magical experience can be yours! The Locust are getting ready for a late-summer European tour, during which I would entreat you to stay away from your coworker's fruity booze experiments and get a good night's sleep beforehand, so that you can actually enjoy the abrasive rock that you're paying good, solid euros to hear.
David Gilmour to Perform “Atom Heart Mother” with Italian Pink Floyd Tribute Band… Yeah, Can’t Really Improve Upon This Headline
By Heidi Vanderslice on Jun 5 2008
From the hills, the anguished cry of Roger Waters could be heard as he read this choice bit of news. Cursing his "pretty boy" arch enemy, the self-proclaimed brains behind Pink Floyd then stalked off to hire a band for his next tour -- any band, as long as they absolutely loathed that baseless "rock and roll" and were willing to have stimulating, creative onstage discourse with Waters, the kind featherhead David Gilmour would never understand. Or would he?
Ron Geesin, co-composer of "Atom Heart Mother," the sprawling six-part instrumental that comprises Side One of its 1970 namesake album, has rounded up the following people for a performance of his (co-?) masterpiece: a 10-piece brass ensemble from The Royal College Of Music, cellist Caroline Dale, 40-member chorus Canticum, and... Italian Pink Floyd tribute band Mun Floyd. There will be two performances on June 14 and 15 during the Chelsea Festival at Cadogan Hall. And on the second day, Geesin said, "Let there be David Gilmour on guitar." And there was true culture ascribed to the performance, even before Gilmour's participation was announced.
Roger Waters looked and said, "THIS IS NOT GOOD."
