Band O’ Horse = New Album + Walmart + Tour + Irritably Drunk Amateur News Writer = You Got It Dude!

Hello shit-faced newsathon, I will be writing about Band of Horses tonight while intoxicated. I hope all readers enjoy.

Note: Indiana law prohibits the purchasing of alcohol from liquor stores on Sunday.

I realized Sunday was the best day to write this story. I've decided to skip my morning classes because I'm a pussy and I like to sleep in when I have a hang over. I am also lazy, and using this as an excuse to miss French 201 and Post-Colonial Lit.

With this last minute decision, I realized I had no liquor, not even drugs, and no contacts whatsoever. So I scrounged what I could.

- A flask full of vodka
- Three shots of Newfoundland Screech rum
- A half bottle of Bacardi rum
- Some fruity wine that child molesters drink
- One shot of Evan Williams whiskey

And so I started with the Newfoundland Screech. The rest is history.

Oh, I was supposed to be writing a news story... Crap, shit. I'm drunkered. I haven't been writing anything. I mean, I haven't been keeping a good count of the shots I've had. I started messing around with my instruments and not writing this story.

(sidenote for marv - yipee = greg do good, so after 3 shots of screech and and 5 shots of Bacardi, which I accidently chaced with Bacardi instead of coke, shit. Fuck. Word 2007 sucks.) (what a munute... I was going to write that I am lush sidenot = ebarrassssing, also was emabarrrassed that I rented John Tucker Must Die at work and that was a great movie.)

Okay, so Band O' Horses and Walmart -- (think of title later -- write it at top of written stuff).

So Band O' Horses sold out to Walmart. I'm a lush but I'll will drink more so I will be cool to our readership and society. I don't know who would want to read this. At fizirst I thought it was funny but "whoa I lost the mouser scrolly thing.

(sidenote thingy: 3 more shot of Bacardi:I don't even know. Fuck mr. p.)

So my fiancée keeps distracting me with POlarioids she has been taking of our kittens. Whoa. So TMT sold out. This a disgrace to journalistical intergrity. Rock on, Gorge Bucsh.!

Okay, s Band O' Horses. Here goes the story, right? Right@!

So Band O' Horses lended their beloved hiospter anthem "The Funeral" to the new walmart website--wait for link--.http://savemoneylivebetter.com/. This is a site abotunhot how cool walfart is..yeah joke. Walfart. Sp drunk. I'm cool.

So I worked at walmart for a month. I betg band o' horses never worked at walkmert. Assholes.no, I liked them. I liked carissa's weird better, but whatever... that's neither here or there essays. This was a bad idea mr. p. to have us write wasted. Bad. Bad idea. Anyways so I worked at walmart for a month, helping them create this grocery section out of a regular walmart and then bleeding myself to death in the deli. But the truth is the funniest thing I tell people about walmart is how their training video was about.

Scenario: If you are a cashier and someone holds a gun to you at "gunpoint" ... whoa, that sounded stupid, andyways if someone was robbing you as a cashier you are supposed to "act" and faint according to their training videos. I also worked at Target for three years -- they said "give the robber what was in the cash drawer, you are more important to us than money... Walmart's cares are obvious.

Question: If sam Walton was sooooo smart, than why is he dead?

At least I clocked in one day and just left and went back to bed. Came back in to clock at and some guy thought I was still working. HAHE. Ha. Okay so I want to get this over because I bought the fifth season of Full House on dvd earlier tonight at Walmart and I want to prefereabrly pass out watching the olsen twins coked up.

So what? They are still a decent India rock band. Quit you g-damn winin'. (3 or 4 or 5 more shots -- seriously, sorry mr. p -- you know I'm a good guy, and I'm trying to keep track) So they have a new album and tour as well. The album is called Cease to Begin and it's out on Subpop on October 9th. The guys will be on Letterman on October 18th and Conan on November 5th. Hell, maybe even I will be on Conan someday. I tired my best at writing this news. So I'll copy and past, lethargically, this album tracklist and tourdated. I hope that does people good. If not go to stereogum and/or p4k and get the ineveitable truth.

Okay, reader, so I took a break, comma, to, comma, eat some carrots... I was going to eat mircrowavered buffalo hot spicy wings, but I realized I a drunken fatass... so I ate carrots fo my drunken brak. The cat licked them...crazzzzzzy. But I still at them. Cat spit be damn good for you. Shit. But hey dawgs I used BACON RANCH, which kicks fuckin ass. So I cheated.

So that's the end. We had a greta time tonights fuckerz. But Jodie swetten is preggerz and life continues. Just band o' horses continues (btw -- for mr. p. sidenot -- most like 5 more shots) let me tell you publically real quickly about the time I puked all over my Armenian roommate Vache's white Persian rug as blacked out naked and woke up at my fiancés places the next morning with the worst hangover I ever fucking have, but still ate excellent thai food the next night. Let us pray the never happens again.

BAND O' HORSES LOVES KRAFT BACON RANCH AND SO THEY TOUR, TOUR, TOUR: and track list, once again bad idea mr. p. but god, do I love tmt.

CEASE TO BEGIN TRACK LISTING

Thermsals tour; Smithwicks is DEEEHEEEE-LICIOUS!

i am often known to come home and fill out myspoace surveys when i am drunk, which seems like a really fucking lame hting to do, i should be like, havong sex with my girlfriend but hey sometimes she's not there! so it's myspace surveys. ANYWAY, the howle point is that i usually spell really well when i'm absoltuely obliterated, but that's what i am NOT. obliterated that is. i am just not fixing my typos because i am feeling a good buzz my friends. monday night would have been aGREAT night to write about the thermals because i went to see the holds teady next to the former world trade center (that was kidn of awkward) and i proceeded to get wasted with some of the band, but when i came home i was inebriated enought o FORGET to write the tour story. i woke up with my ckmputer still on and a britney fucking spears website open. i am the female lester bangs, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN>. but you know the hold steady PLAYED with the thermals (i almost wrote art brut but that story's been DONE) and you know what would have completed the mood of this story i'm writing is some feminax. can you believe people take that shit? FEMINAX. just the name ... "guys lets go get fucked up on FEMINAX." sexy, kind of!?

but yeah the thermals. i could have seen them at nyu but i was dirhnking tall boys on the subway. and then i had to argue with nyu security to get into the show. and then the thermals were done. fuck nyu ... the undergrads anyway. i'm just kidding, big love. kinda. i remember wanting to say the name of the first thermals album on my COLLEGE RADIO SHOW (i was really cool in college) but i couldn't and it would just get stuck on my lips like fffffffffffffffffffffff ... ffffffuuu .... (silently in my head FUCKING A!) but it was so unfulfilling. kidn of like working real hard and not feeling that sweet release, you know what i mean? fucking a.

seirously i could keep goiong but you know what, i'm gonan go watch thirty rock and drool on tina fey. and maybe alec baldwin too but not really in that way. my friend hung otu with him at some NYPIRG event once. there's a picture onf acebook. check it. or maybe don't. i feel like he might not like to know that it's there. HAY SUP IM ALEC BALDWIN WITH TWO HOT BOSOMY COLLEGE GIRLS! MEOW!

normally i would format these all nice bUT I DONT FEEL LIKE IT:

MAGIK MARKERS ARE YOUR YOUTH MINISTER

I'm not as "shitrface" as i thouhgt id be...qhcih maybe tels you how shitfaced i am....so the magik markers are going on tour. so the heading i've decied upon is :magik makers" are your youth minister. I'm not sure what this alludes to, mayeb the fact that when i was in mmiddle/high school i went to chuch youth grtoulp stuff alll the time. I once had a yotuth minister tell me that satan conrolled rain. the magik markers, i asure you, would not have done that. when i went to churhc camp in 10th grade the pastr told me that other people haed seen visions in the sky of dragons. meanwhile, nothing was happening, and we were in arkansas. fuck arka sas.

* Sober note: The band currently has this night off, and should really consider playing a show somewhere in the North Texas
area (where I happen to live), as it would be right along the way.

One of the Andrew WK’s hangs with Sightings, music comes out

My roommate Aaron won't shut the hell up about there being several Andrew WK's. The genuine article doesn't even tour anymore and just gets lookalikes to tour in his place.

You'd imagine some "Andrew WK college" like clown college where a bunch of guys learn to grow their hair out, wear filthy clothes and get wasted but I GUESS THAT'S JUST REGULAR COLLEGE.

Anyway one of those jerks is helping Sightings bang on stuff and yell, creating "dense sonic textures" that SHUT UP DAD, IT IS TOO REAL MUSIC

SHUT UP

Professionalism: The entire album, "Through the Panama" can be streamed on the free here. It comes out October 28, just in time for your goulish "Hallowe'en" party.

I got this story in late because every time I drank a decent amount I stopped caring about writing or anything besides Hot Snakes and Void. My apologies to Master P.

Gallows lead singer splits head open on stage; I arm wrestle Descartes

All right, we must flesh this out before things get too wicked. I keep hearing knocks and budges like the house is breathing. Someone is going to find out what this is all about. But that is not what this is all about. Oh shit. Ghost trails have begun. FOCUS! Laughter outside. My eyes are heating up and shifting without my command. My view is a microwave oven. FOCUS! GALLOWS! English Punk rock/Hardcore punk band from Watford! LOUDER! BIGGER! FASTER! THE TEXT ISN”T REALLY GROWING? Like Gallows, fast and obnoxious. They played a show for some kids, hooligans (the ghost trails have lost their need for an original object and are just flowing independently across my field of view). Really cold now. FOCUS! There are so many light sources shut up! Have you ever been relegated to a kindergartner? I’m sure Frank Carter has. Every time he goes on stage right? Loses oneself and goes and gets a tattoo (Reading Festival) This time, hold on kids, no this time he (UFO SIGHTINGS IN MY LIVING ROOM and I CAN”T SWALLOW ANYTHING) I CAN”T TAKE IT> IT CREEPING OUT OF MY FINGERNAILS NOW> IS THIS EUPHORIA? No this time he does something so lame, so predictable, he injures himself on stage. Boring. Have some more jam with your toast, mum? Nah thanks. What’s on the telly? Oh Frank Carter has gone an injured himself while performing at Stoke last night. When hasn’t he injured himself. Next up please.

FOOT NOTE

Do I lose points if I tell you I’ m listening to LCD Soundstyem right now? I sincerely like them. But fuck ikeep swallowing copper blood and the page is jumping like a sour lisa frank folder. How fucking obvious right? But sometimes you get someplace so hard it just makes sense. And I think Frank Carter has it. Fuck the fingernail jumping bit again. PURE EUPFOHRA! Have I stopped the clock? But in all seriousness we are going to assume that you know that this whole while the page is still dancing and there’s a fucking disco party going on all around me. Its great except I’m not invited.

“"Gallows is not my life. Never has been, never will. It's a hobby I get paid for.” Frank Carter. He understands. But the poor fucker has a gnarly head wound and I’ammm safe on the couch listening to osme chubby guy make me vibrate . (SMILES AND YELLS UNCONTROALLBY FORGETS HOW TO BREATHE)JOY DIVISION. What do you want to know? Frank Knows it. Now I’m just going by feeling and its getting alive. I sat in a lurching most convenient phase with being completely horizontal not doing anything save thinking. NO lay thinking aside. I opened my jaw and thought about the possibilities and now I’m gnawing to feel aliveit’s like a multi tiered shopping mall. Each hour is another level but the joke is it’s only been mamybe forty five minutes and my nose is on fire. BLAST! God Psyche. Let’s get po-mo. How much am I faking? Is this sincre? Was Frank sincere? He knows they are oinly going to be a flash and nothing more. Mercury lit and diffused before the alarm was signaled. So maybe. Now it’s all about physical skin on skin. Oh should I also say I haven’t slept in over thirty six hours. No homo. The worst part is crying in the arms of an ex lover.

hot hot heat sucks!!!! rapture does too

11-hot hot heat sucks!!!!

Dates in semi-tmt format:

Fish is breain food!! and im' a shitface fuckass. sure!! shitfaced dickprick ass munch. you're a cokc is bigger than my head! and your balls sag low. and they wobble to and fro. you can tie them in a knot and tie them in a bow. and you can throw them over your sould like a a continenaltal shoulder! your balls hang low.

  

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