“Beachles” Mash-Up Creator Becomes World’s Richest Man Overnight; EMI Merely the Innocent Victim of His Insatiable Desire for Power

Poor, poor EMI. All they try to do is give music to the people, and heartless thieves like "Clayton" of claytoncounts.com try and take it all away. You think you're so cool, Clayton? Trying to make a mash-up of Sgt. Pepper's and Pet Sounds? Trying to release it on your website? "The Beachles"? Bet you thought that was a pretty clever name, huh? I bet you wish all music could be made with only a hammer and sickle, don't you Clayton? Shameful. And to think that you made money doing it really makes me -

Oh, wait, it was all released for free on his website? He actually didn't make any money? Oh, well, whatever... just think about all the money EMI is going to lose from this! That's what sucks about being the CEO of a major company. Everyone thinks it's all glitz and glamour. Not so. You can't catch any tax cuts from the government, you can't get laid, and everyone's going around taking your commodities and mashing it all up. I say suing this "Clayton" for $30 million is just a drop in the bucket of what needs to be done -

Oh, wait, in EMI's lawsuit, they also want the IPs of every individual who downloaded it? The dates and times they were downloaded, as well as the number of times each IP downloaded the mash-up? Umm, I guess that's cool, too. Taking it a step farther. Reeeallly teaching these people a lesson. I'm sure you all remember what happened when The Grey Album came out, in protest of EMI's wishes. Ever since its release, no one has bought The White Album or The Black Album. And more than likely, no one will, ever again.

In a perfect world, of course, an EMI board member would be able to stand over all of our shoulders every time we sat down at a computer and would flick our ears when we tried to download or copy any music. But hey, we have to make due with what we got. That's why we need to nip this one in the bud and support EMI's totally legitimate and necessary $30 million lawsuit against one man. If we can just do that, then we are one step closer to our ultimate goal: that one day, people, one sweet day, music will be completely organized, regulated, and sterile.

Sunset Rubdown Sets to Rub One Out on Fall Tour

If Spencer Krug were a snake, he most likely would have a leg. He would even have two legs at that! He would even play in three buzzing bands. Like most people, I have given up trying to guess what Spencer's next move will be. Swan Lake, Spencer's collaboration with Carey Mercer of Frog Eyes and Dan Bejar of Destroyer and The New Pornographers, are releasing their debut album Beast Moans on Nov. 21 on Jagjaguwar.

Spencer's synth-heavy fronted Sunset Rubdown will be slithering upon a modest Midwest tour in further support of the album Shut Up I Am Dreaming [TMT Review], which was released in May. The group also features the eclectic talents of Jordan Robson Cramer, Mike Doerksen, and Camilla Wynn Ingr.

I'll attend a show in hopes of getting Spencer to be in a fourth, but much uglier side-project. Hell, I'll even let you, the reader, in on my oblivious fantasy. First of all, the plan is to get Spencer to sit down and listen to my ideas. Of course, he will have to be drunk. (I'm assuming he was shit-faced before he decided to be in each band he is in. Let us remember that assumptions are the leading cause of cancer; penis cancer, to be more precise.)

Secondly, I will try to get past all of the unnecessary snake references.

Me: How about a whole concept album about snakes?

Spencer: I like snakes!

Me: People really like Snakes on a Plane, right?

Spencer: I guess.

Me: And people really like WWF, correct?

Spencer: Uhh...

Me: Well, we could get Jake the Snake to sing and play guitar for us. And he could sing mystifying lyrics that tell of an adventure he had on Southwest Airlines. And he fights snakes, of course! And uh, Nazis. Lots and lots of Nazis! It's a concept album!

Spencer: Uh... right.

Me: Yeah, it'll be ultra neato! I'll play bongos and the recorder. I play a mean recorder man! And you can just do whatever it is that you do. And we can throw snakes at the audience, and everyone will scream! What do you say?

Spencer: (about to pass out) Yeah...umm... sure.

Let's face it. I know the man likes snakes. After our side project, The Sexy Knights Of Omelet Country, is finished with our spicy world tour, Spencer may possibly get back to work with his lesser-known band. Eh, what's their name? I forgot. Oh well.

Tourdates and sodomy classes elsewhere:

09.23.06 - Cambridge, MA - Middle East
09.24.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
09.25.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
09.26.06 - Philadelphia, PA - The First Unitarian Church
09.27.06 - Washington, DC - Black Cat
09.28.06 - Durham, NC - Duke Coffeehouse
09.29.06 - Charlotte, NC - Tremont Music Hall
09.30.06 - Atlanta, GA - TBA
10.02.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottle Tree Cafe
10.03.06 - Newport, KY - Southgate House
10.04.06 - Columbus, OH - Little Brothers
10.05.06 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Ballroom
10.06.06 - Chicago, IL - Logan Square Auditorium

Oh yeah! Wolf Parade! That's the name. Boy, do I feel stupid!

The fantastically talented trio of Shahin, Zach, and Kid Millions (best fucking name ever) composing the noisily eclectic supergroup Ex Models is waging war on itself with new member Luke Brödy. It's guitars – Zach and Shahin – versus drums – Kid Millions and Luke Brödy – this time around. Touring as the "Fundustrial Set" or "Interstellar Overdrive" or "Fuck Noise, Join the Army," the quartet revealed its immensity at All Tomorrow's Parties, curated by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs this past May. A fellow who goes by the name of Steve Five will also be accompanying the band, although I'm not quite sure what he'll do beyond recording and mixing. They will travel across the United States and even parts of Canada for a mere two weeks. With each new setup, the band has shifted directions in terms of their live performance. From the minute long abrasive outbursts of no-wavey hardcore to a more experimental, repetitive style leaning towards a freer avant-garde, no one knows what to expect with this newest of systems. I'm guessing it will involve some flaunting of the rhythm section and produce profound results.

I'm not going to lie, Ex Models is one of my current favorite bands, and I will do anything to promote them and their tour. Two full-length albums that together are only about 45 minutes long and an EP that totally disregards any sense of traditional songwriting can satisfy any type of music enthusiast. The hyperactive listener is most easily pleased because s/he will no longer have to skip the track immediately after their "favorite part." The rock/metal/noise/abrasive music listener will be most gratified overall because the albums are a perfect jaunt into experimental, hardcore, and comedic heavy music in general. Other listeners will simply be swayed by just how awesome and overwhelming a sound emerges from such minimal instrumentation, or if not, they simply don't matter. No one cares about other peoples' opinion on their own music anyway. Also, the overtly sexual song titles/lyrics should attract most people who enjoy a good laugh now and then. Any song named "Love Japanese Style" or "Fuck to the Music" or "Hott 4 Discourse" or even "Hey Boner" has to be a quality piece of music.

Regardless, Ex Models are one of the few bands innovating in the area of abrasive music without resorting to all-out noise. They have maintained a sense of connection to the rest of the music world, yet they still completely defy all expectations. Throughout their career thus far, they have kept raising the bar higher, playing harsher, fucking gentler, and laughing louder. Ex Models love dissonance, and so do I. According to Motia in an interview, Ex Models' live show "isn't as chaotic as the record," but that it "really brings out the noise of [their] music." Ex Models are in the process of finishing a new blissful split 12-inch with Oneida, which will be released by Brah/Jagjaguwar, and they will hopefully be releasing a new album in the spring of next year. Get excited. Oh, I've also heard, like, rumors that the first ten people at each show get free tickets or something? Whatever.

Banging your head on the wrong beat? We have a solution:

09.23.96 – Annandale-on-Hudson, NY – Bard College SMOGfest
09.29.06 – Philadelphia, PA – Surreal Sound Studios
09.30.06 – Baltimore, MD – Wham City
10.01.06 – Washington, DC – Warehouse Next Door
10.02.06 – Raleigh, NC – King's Barcade
10.03.06 – Atlanta, GA – Drunken Unicorn
10.04.06 – Nashville, TN – TBA
10.05.06 – Memphis, TN – Murphy's
10.06.06 – Dallas , TX – Gypsy Ballroom ) )==D —
10.07.06 – Austin, TX – Stubbs BBQ ) )==D —
10.08.06 – Houston, TX – Warehouse Live ) )==D —
10.09.06 – Tulsa , OK – Cain's Ballroom ) )==D —
10.10.06 – Chicago, IL – Empty Bottle
10.11.06 – Pittsburgh , PA – ON Space
10.12.06 – Toronto, ON – Sneaky Dee's
10.13.06 – Montreal, QC – ZooBizarre
10.14.06 – North Adams, MA – Contemporary Artists Center
10.15.06 – Boston, MA – TT the Bears

) )==D — w/ The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Pas/Cal To Release New EP, LP May Beat Chinese Democracy and Loveless Follow-Up To Finish Line

Detroit's own masters of romance Pas/Cal could be considered originators in some respect. Sure, their music is catchy, recasting many of the most beautiful moments of the last 40 or so years of rock and pop music in a modern context, but this is not what I am referring to. Before it became the current rage for groups — like Voxtrot or Cold War Kids — to release a bunch of EPs prior to putting out a debut LP, Pas/Cal were doing it. And like those aforementioned groups, Pas/Cal's releases made many who heard them wish they would put out a full-length sooner rather than approximately three years later.

Since forming in 2000, the band has put out two EPs, 2003's The Handbag Memoirs and 2004's Oh Honey, We're Ridiculous, both on the Le Grand Magistery label. They have been promising since 2004 that their debut long-player was forthcoming. Now it seems this may finally be true. Le Grand Magistery have announced that the LP will be coming in early 2007.

On the band's recording blog for the album, they say more specifically that the record will be out in January 2007. The band's site also reveals a few details regarding the LP, mostly just the tracklist and that the record will be called Citizen's Army Uniform (this group definitely keeps things close to their stylishly be-vested chests). Two songs will be reprised on CAU from the first two EPs, "What Happened To The Sands" and "Poor Maude." To tide you over until CAU's appearance, the band are releasing a third EP in November. The five-song release, entitled Dear Sir, will also come out on LGM.

Citizen's Army Uniform tracklist:

1. The Truth Behind All The Vogues She Sold
2. Citizen's Army Uniform
3. O Honey, We're Ridiculous
4. We Made Our Way, We Amtrakked
5. Dearest Bernard Living
6. What Happened To The Sands
7. Poor Maude
8. The Glorious Ballad of the Ignored
9. Summer Is Almost Here
10. Suite Cherry
11. You Were Too Old For Me

Newsflash: Clear Channel Considers Selling Some Radio Stations, Radio Industry in Flux; Hey Look, the World’s Smallest Violin

You probably heard about this when you picked up your copy of The New York Times this morning. Personally, I print the online edition out every day and wipe my ass with it. I usually save the sports pages for last, though. It's good to read on the can and always the last square to go. You know how it goes. Anyhow, this excellent story about the radio industry was pretty hard to ignore. It seems broadcasters are having a bit of trouble, especially those folks over at Clear Channel. According to the NYT story, the communications giant is considering selling some of their 1200+ stations, especially those in smaller markets. The article cites the sale of radio stations by CBS, Disney, and Susquehanna Broadcasting as precursors to such a move.

Of course, the mid-to-late '90s was a great time to be in the radio business. The Telecommuncations Act of 1996 allowed companies like Clear Channel to gobble up radio stations by the dozen. In turn, the company pulled in record profits. Clear Channel founder L. Lowry Mays swam in pools of champagne and dined on meals of fresh horse. He cleared brush with future presidents and shook hands with dignitaries. He gave pennies to immigrants and sipped crude oil from a twisty straw. Okay, maybe not ALL of that is true, but the point is, he was filthy stinkin' rich. Got it? But now, he swims in olympic-sized pools of water, just like the rest of us.

Obviously, traditional radio has fallen on tough times due to the alternatives. Satellite radio, iPods, and online streaming have all contributed to this decline. According to Arbitron ratings, and as reported by the NYT, the amount of time people tune into radio over the course of a week has fallen by 14% over the last decade. Much of this decline is due to the failure of traditional broadcasters to adapt to new technology and the internet. However, more recent attempts by traditional broadcasters include implementation of HD Radio, introducing experimental formats, an emphasis on more local content, reducing the length of ad spots and offering more user-friendly online streaming. Only time will tell if it'll make a difference.

Truth be told, HD Radio is years away from mainstream use. Until then, expect some significant wheeling and dealing. Who knows, maybe there's hope for the medium of radio yet.

Pelican to Play Series of Gigs in Different Cities Across North America in What Experts Are Already Calling A “Tour”

To catch a full-grown adult male pelican:
1) It is often easier to catch a baby pelican and wait for it to grow. However, bear in mind that baby pelicans, while flightless, can scuttle up walls like spiders and are almost entirely invulnerable to fire.
2) Pelicans, while generally easy-going, are extremely fastidious about the pronunciation of their name. If you stand in front of one while shouting "PEE-li-can" repeatedly, it will usually stand still and look impatiently at you until either you pronounce its name correctly or your colleague grabs it from behind.
3) The pelican's left eye is purely decorative: it is advisable to approach from the left, as quietly as possible. Beware, though, of pelicans standing on their heads, as the opposite will apply.
4) While it can be tempting to introduce your son or daughter to pelican hunting as soon as possible, bear in mind that pelicans lust for nothing more than the still-living flesh of the young.
5) Take care not to anger a pelican: While its large beak is mostly used to catch and hold fish, it can also hold several knives at once.
6) If you wish to capture your pelican by gaining its trust and making it drop its guard, remember that they will listen for hours to anyone talking about the sitcom Friends; Joey, however, bores them.

To catch Pelican live:
1) Turn up to one of the following gigs:

09.18.06 - St Louis, MO - Creepy Crawl *
09.19.06 - Little Rock, AR - Vinos
09.20.06 - Denton, TX - Hailey?s ! @ $
09.21.06 - Oklahoma City, OK - Conservatory ! @
09.23.06 - Tempe AZ - The Sets !
09.25.06 - Anaheim, CA - Chain Reaction ! % &
09.26.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Knitting Factory ! % &
09.27.06 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall ! % &
09.29.06 - Portland, OR - Satyricon ! &
09.30.06 - Seattle, WA - Neumo?s Crystal Ball Reading Room ! &
10.01.06 - Vancouver, BC - The Lamplighter ^
10.03.06 - Edmonto, AB - The Starlite ^
10.04.06 - Calgary, AB - Warehouse Night Club ^
10.05.06 - Regina, SK - The Exchange ^
10.06.06 - Winnipeg, MB - Collective Cabaret ^
10.09.06 - Hamilton, ON - The Underground ^
10.10.06 - London, ON - Call The Office ^
10.11.06 - Toronto, ON - The Mod Club ^
10.12.06 - Ottawa, ON - Babylon ^
10.13.06 - Quebec City, QC- L?Anti ^
10.14.06 - Montreal, QC - Club Soda ^
10.15.06 - Syracuse, NY - Furnace !
10.16.06 - Cleveland, OH - Grog Shop
10.17.06 - Indianapolis, IN - The Harrison Center
10.18.06 - Milwaukee, WI - Mad Planet

* w/ Sweet Cobra
! w/ Daughters
@ w/ Russian Circles
$ w/ The Roller
% w/ Saviours
& w/ Nachmystium
^ Exclaim! Aggressive Tendencies Tour, w/ Daughters, Ken Mode