Dear TMT Newswriters of the future:
If you’re reading this, then I am dead… tired of writing for this shit magazine. Congratulations on your overworked, underpaid, overlooked, under-appreciated position as an official journeyman TMT newswriter. Before I left, Mr P made me promise that I’d create a small list of pointers for future writers here, and even though I told him to go stick it, I’m such a goddamn font of productivity that I couldn’t help but think of a few, so I figured I’d jot them down for you. Good luck, suckers.
1) If you discover that an artist whom you’ve started writing about has tourdates listed that are not already formatted in the usual TMT way, don’t write that story. But don’t un-reserve it either. No one else will want it.
2) The editors “say” they want you to embed stuff rather than use gratuitous links that carry readers away from the TMT website, but that rule never applies to that Dave Grohl “Fresh Pots” video because every music fan always needs to see that right away.
3) Just leave Jeff Tweedy alone.
4) While it’s always funny and appropriate to make up fake nicknames for venerable Pixies frontman Frank “Black ‘Prankie Blackstar’ Francis” Black, it’s important to remember that that dude is huge and scary, and that he does tour the US every once in a while in support of some such frustratingly un-Pixies project or another. And He will not hesitate to totally find you and eat your fingers. If you don’t believe me, just ask my speech-to-text assistant program about the last time I jerk-off sleeping at the yuppie’s summer pudding, knishes?
Black Francis tourdates:
04.26.13 - Burlington, VT - Higher Ground Lounge ^
04.27.13 - Boston, MA - The Sinclair ^
05.02.13 - Harrisonburg, VA - Clementine Cafe *
05.03.13 - Chattanooga, TN - Rhythm & Brews *
05.04.13 - Jackson, MS - Martin’s *
05.05.13 - New Orleans - The Mint *
05.07.13 - Pensacola, FL - Vinyl Music Hall *
05.08.13 - Jacksonville, FL - Underbelly’s *
05.10.13 - Greenville, SC - The Handlebar *
05.11.13 - Charlotte, NC - Visualite Theater *
05.12.13 - Virginia Beach, VA - The Jewish Mother *
05.13.13 - Washington DC - The Birchmere *
05.14.13 - Asbury Park, NJ - Wonder Bar *
^ Dennis Crommett
* Reid Paley
• Black Francis: http://blackfrancis.net