According to “billboard.biz” (a non-partisan website that chronicles in
great detail the when, where, why, and money shot every time the great
shaven phallus of the music industry fucks music itself in order to make
our world a cooler place), Virgin Megastores and Pontiac are coming
together in order to form the most sacred ad campaign in human history:
The Pontiac Towers.
Hey! Put down those Orwell-quoting protest signs and letters to the
Adbusters editor -- you, you poor, lost little lamb -- you haven’t even heard
why you need The Pontiac Towers in your life yet. They will serve a myriad
of purposes, including but not limited to: featuring musical artists who
have had their work used in Pontiac advertisements, showcasing Pontiac
merchandise, and being homes to interactive displays on which consumers
can view “Pontiac Garage” concert footage.
Most importantly, however, the Towers should be worshipped in body and in spirit several times daily by all passers-by in order for the maximum
power of the ad campaign to be realized. From the Towers, the worship will
be condensed, shrink-wrapped, and sent skyward to the mysterious but
powerful “Virgiac,” who will, if pleased, bless mankind with more car
commercials and catchier pop-punk anthems. If you are a faithful servant
of Virgiac until the day you die, you will be rewarded by spending an
eternal afterlife as a wealthy member of the 18-34 demographic.
In addition to the towers, Virgin will license at least 30 songs to
Pontiac every year for various purposes, such as TV spots and online ads.
Mark-Hans Richer, Pontiac’s Marketing Director, said of the promotion: “I
think brands and bands can make each others’ products better,” in a spare
moment between silent prayer hour and Gregorian chant time. “Brands and
bands” -- now there’s a catch phrase for the new millennium if I ever heard
one. Enjoy your scoffs of skepticism now, doubter, but don’t come to me in
the afterlife you’ll inevitably be spending as a destitute 92-year-old man
looking for alms, cause you ain’t gettin’ anything from me or my
rising-star-in-the-legal-profession young wife. Don’t give him any money,
Vanessa, you’re only hurting him in the long run.