Bronfman Went A-Courtin’ and He Did Ride, Uh Huh, Uh Huh. Merger News + Bronfman = I Just Popped a Semi!

The United States, tired of outsourcing only American jobs in both production and information technology, has made a bold move: outsourcing a sense of moral indignation over records! EMI Virgin India Ltd (based in Mumbai) has declared it will recall all copies of Slayer's new album, Christ Illusion. The victims? The Catholic Secular Forum — helpfully identified as a Christian group by Billboard.com — is makin' it happen! CSF General Secretary Joseph Dias issued a statement taking "strong exception" to the album cover as well as the track "Skeleton Christ." He cites the lyrics as "an insult to Christianity." According to various virus-infested internet sites, said lyrics include, "I laugh at the abortion known as Christianity/ I've seen the ways of God/ I'll take the devil any day/ Hail Satan." Slayer: the band to turn to for delightfully subtle critiques on this modern culture.

The CSF wants everyone to know that they have everyone's best interests in mind, as the album "will affect the sensibilities of Muslims on the track to 'Jihad' and secular Indians who have respect for all faiths." As a Jew, I am personally offended that there are no tracks belittling my people, clearly proving that in the end Slayer are anti-Semites. EMI Virgin India Ltd, come to my aid!

Bronfman Went A-Courtin’ and He Did Ride, Uh Huh, Uh Huh. Merger News + Bronfman = I Just Popped a Semi!

The United States, tired of outsourcing only American jobs in both production and information technology, has made a bold move: outsourcing a sense of moral indignation over records! EMI Virgin India Ltd (based in Mumbai) has declared it will recall all copies of Slayer's new album, Christ Illusion. The victims? The Catholic Secular Forum — helpfully identified as a Christian group by Billboard.com — is makin' it happen! CSF General Secretary Joseph Dias issued a statement taking "strong exception" to the album cover as well as the track "Skeleton Christ." He cites the lyrics as "an insult to Christianity." According to various virus-infested internet sites, said lyrics include, "I laugh at the abortion known as Christianity/ I've seen the ways of God/ I'll take the devil any day/ Hail Satan." Slayer: the band to turn to for delightfully subtle critiques on this modern culture.

The CSF wants everyone to know that they have everyone's best interests in mind, as the album "will affect the sensibilities of Muslims on the track to 'Jihad' and secular Indians who have respect for all faiths." As a Jew, I am personally offended that there are no tracks belittling my people, clearly proving that in the end Slayer are anti-Semites. EMI Virgin India Ltd, come to my aid!

Does everyone remember when talks cooled in hot July vis-à-vis some sort of attempted takeover or merger between industry elephants Warner Music and EMI? Whaaaat? You didn't? Acquisition shareholders meetings weren't four-and-a-half star video fodder on YouTube that month? Lil' Johnny Stewart didn't invite Warner's Edgar Bronfman Jr. onto "The Seat of Heat"? Has B-to-tha-ronfman completely lost his credibility with the youthful boobs and 18-35 lefties of today? Well, if it wasn't news then, it won't be now. But here it is anyway.

The Times Online contends that if at first you don't succeed, go back for another bitchslap. Then another bitchslap and another bitchslap. If these bitchslaps are just preliminary bitchslaps or if they are little parts of a grander, more elaborate bitchslap scheme, then you have no choice but to go back for more bitchslaps. Despite quashed efforts in the past to meld our two favorite major labels into one stupid superbeast, Bronfman has again made advances to get to third base with EMI. If you remember correctly, it was in July that the two companies issued statements of disinterest in a possible union. But you can count on Bronfman to forget quickly. In September, Bronfman flew to England to butter up EMI investors and hedge fund shareholders. One wonders: what is the hold-up? Although these kinds of things get tripped up with every little bit of hassle, I half-suspect that EMI just can't deal with Bronfman's real-ness. Could he be too much of a risk for plain ol', staid ol' EMI? Maybe EMI likes its business dealings like my grandma likes her Bloody Caesars — with "no ice, no spice."

Jeeesh, Bronfman... cut the cord for Crissakes! You are starting to remind me of someone who gets dumped by his girlfriend only to come back twice as headstrong with a plan to win her back with constant phone calls and drive-bys and then buys a Whisper 2000 so he can sit in the neighbor's bushes across the street from her house crying while doing lines off a cracked Silverchair CD case trying to hear if she is talking to a guy on the phone, then following her and her friends to a bar and sitting across the room creepily drinking beer after beer while burning holes in her with his eyes every time she laughs, or looks at anyone, or comes even remotely within inches of another male body...

Yikes, I was really starting to creep myself out there. Many apologies... must be visions of past restraining orders dancing in my head. Absurd suspicion stories aside, there is something afoot. Following the news of Bronfman currying favor overseas, MSNBC reported that current EMI Music Publishing chairman and co-chief executive Martin Bandier is looking for pastures new, possibly with Warner. Apparently Bandier, a song publishing mogul and a "legend in the music publishing business" — hey, I've thrown a LOT of money at acquiring a lot of songs and a lot of albums but noooo, that doesn't make me a legend, does it? — has already had talks with Bronfman Jr. ("BJ") and will meet with EMI execs next month in London to discuss his future with his present employers. As far as a reachable union is concerned, it has been unclear from the get-go whether this will be a merger or an outright acquisition by Warner of EMI, or of Warner by EMI. Who knows. I guess some things should remain floating above my head, just as they did when I was sleeping through my business journalism courses last year. You can be sure there will be news soon because these two companies seem to love their ongoing game of boardroom bag-tag. Our money is on Bronfman to make the first move, because if he has a problem, yo, he solves it... check out his savvy financial moves while his accountants revolve it.

How Do You Call Your Lover Boy? Me? I Yell, “NEW YORK DOLLS TOURDATES!”

As I was lying in a hospital bed, a rock 'n' roll nurse got into my head. She said, "Hold out your arm, girl, stick out your tongue. I got some New York Dolls tourdates, I'm gonna give you some." I think you know the rest of the story, and I don't have to detail the tawdry girl-on-girl action for you. Suffice it to say I got some pills for my love, to put me at ease, and some time later that rock 'n' roll nurse shook me down to my knees.

I woke up on the downtown 2 train a few days after that strange--but not entirely unprecedented--experience with a wicked hangover and a bloody nose. Pinned to my torn shirt was a list of tourdates scribbled in lipstick. Once I got over the initial shock, I realized that my last memory was of going to see the Dolls perform a free show at South Street Seaport. Surreal as the situation was (David Johansen in a tight t-shirt performing between a Pizzeria Uno and a war ship), the injuries and track marks were well worth it.

Lucky for you non-New Yorkers, David Johansen, Syl Sylvain, and some new guys are taking their show on the road for the first time in more than 30 years. The boys are touring in support of a new album, presciently titled One Day It Will Please Us to Remember Even This (Roadrunner). I hear that if you come home from their show without a needle sticking out of your arm or a vicious nurse-hickey on your neck, you get your money back:

11.06.06 - San Diego, CA - Belly Up
11.07.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Avalon
11.08.06 - San Francisco, CA - The Independent
11.10.06 - Portland, OR - Berbati's Pan
11.11.06 - Seattle - El Corazon
11.14.06 - Minneapolis, MN - Fine Line
11.15.06 - Chicago, IL - Vic Theatre
11.16.06 - Detroit - St. Andrews
11.17.06 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Ballroom
11.18.06 - Buffalo, NY - Town Ballroom
11.20.06 - Boston, MA - Axis
11.21.06 - Providence, RI - Lupo's
11.22.06 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza
11.24.06 - Atlantic City, NJ - Borgata
11.25.06 - Philadelphia, PA - TLA
11.26.06 - Washington, DC - Black Cat
11.28.06 - Charleston, SC - Music Farm
11.29.06 - Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse
12.01.06 - Nashville, TN - City Hall
12.02.06 - St. Louis, MO - TBA

Almost Wasn’t Going To Tell You About The New Pleaseeasaur Album And Tour… Please Don’t Be Sore ;-))))

Wow, your record collection sitting there looks pretty cool. I appreciate the way you've alphabetized everything by label; it's not often you see that. I don't know many people that even pay attention to the label. What I'm saying is, it's refreshing to see that you hold them in such high es — holy crap, do you have every single ESP-Disk release? That's insane! I was just going to say something about you having a pretty solid 5RC stack or something, but damn. That really says it all right there. You are a true completist.

Hey... do you have your Comedy Central Records collection stored away? Like, for safety reasons? What? Are you...are you kidding me? I know, you seem like a serious guy! But I can't just straightaway believe that you have zero Comedy Central albums! This changes everything. How can I rely on someone to recommend music to me that has never owned a Bobcat Goldthwait record? Man, I still remember the first time I listened to Dave Attell's Skanks for the Memories. Seminal stand-up classic right there. And to top it off, they've finally got their hands on a deal with Pleaseeasaur to put out his next few albums.

Stop messing with me. Pleaseeasaur. Oh, he's nobody special... just the guy who wrote "Digitits" and "I Hate Dog Shit"! You've never heard those. This is just sad. Well, he's going on tour soon and releasing The Amazing Adventures of Pleaseeasaur on October 24, and if I come over here again and don't see it (along with all three volumes of Crank Yankers Uncensored), I might have to go to someone else for my crystal meth.

You've been warned:

10.18.06 - Bellingham, WA - Western WA University
10.20.06 - Vancouver, BC - Pat's Pub
10.21.06 - Seattle, WA - Chop Suey
10.22.06 - Missoula, MO - The Raven Cafe
10.24.06 - Fargo, ND - The Aquarium
10.25.06 - Minneapolis, MN - Triple Rock
10.26.06 - Marquette, MI - 231 House of Muses
10.27.07 - Chicago, IL - Beat Kitchen
10.29.06 - Iowa City, IA - The Picador (formerly Gabe's Oasis)
10.31.06 - Columbus, OH - The High Five
11.01.06 - Pittsburgh, PA - Gooski's
11.02.06 - Boston, MA - Great Scott Club *
11.03.06 - Portland, MA - Geno's *
11.04.06 - Long Branch, NJ - The Brighton Bar *
11.05.06 - Jamestown, NY - Reg Studio Theatre *
11.06.06 - Purchase, NY - Suny Purchase
11.07.06 - Wilkes Barre, PA - Cafe Metropolis *
11.08.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Khyber Pass ^
11.10.06 - New York, NY - Knitting Factory Tap Bar *
11.11.06 - Poughkeepsie, NY - Vassar College ^
11.12.06 - Baltimore, Maryland - Talking Head *
11.13.06 - Washington, DC - Black Cat *
11.14.06 - Raleigh, NC - Kings Barcade
11.16.06 - Atlanta, GA - Drunken Unicorn
11.17.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree #
11.18.06 - Lawrence, KS - Jackpot Music Hall
11.19.06 - Kansas City, Missouri - Record Bar
11.24.06 - Denton, TX - Rubbergloves
11.25.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's Lounge
11.26.06 - Houston, TX - Super Happy Fun Land
11.30.06 - Tucson, AZ - Club Congress
12.01.06 - San Diego, CA - The Casbah @
12.07.06 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill
12.08.06 - Eureka, CA - Pearl Lounge

* w/ Joe Jack Talcum
^ w/ Yip Yip
# w/ Califone
@ w/ The Melvins

PLUG Awards Accepting Nominations for Sexiest Music Website of the Year

My wife was the sound person at the Knitting Factory in New York. As a faithful spouse and happy concertgoer, I was happy to help out in whatever capacity I could — driving the bands around, making dinner after rehearsals, helping in arranging trips. There was a constantly changing staff with a certain core group of kids involved. One of them, a tall, slender girl named Plug had been our neighbor for nearly ten years, and she was always the best at booking shows.

Plug had always been one of my favorites, visiting and spending time in our home over the years. She was nearly 6' tall, with long blonde hair, very sensual lips, and a body kept in tone by years of dancing and athletics. Her breasts were small, about 34As, and her legs were long and well-muscled. She sang like an angel with a high, clear soprano voice.

Plug had, over the years, shown a tendency to give me big hugs, always with a comment like "TMT, you're my favorite," or "TMT, you're like a big cuddly bear." I would lean over and give her a kiss on top of her head and smile, never feeling very comfortable with it, but not wanting to hurt her feelings. I started avoiding being in situations where it might happen, and I never was alone with her, as that would violate the rules of the Knitting Factory.

One night at a Knitting Factory pool party, she wore a very skimpy bikini, really just a thong and two small pieces of fabric covering her nipples. I couldn't help but look and found myself paying attention to her. My wife didn't fail to notice either. "TMT, put your eyes back in your head. And what's that you've got going there?" she asked as she gave a little disapproving look at my crotch.

As the party wore down and we were about to leave, Plug came up to me, dripping wet, fresh from the pool. With a big hug, she said "Looks like I got accepted to Harvard. I'm going to miss you, TMT. Write to me, okay?" And she gave me her e-mail address. My wife broke up the hug with a comment that we had to go.

That night there was a strained silence followed by a comment that Plug should really be careful in school, since she took such liberties by 'throwing herself' at men. At bedtime, as we slid under the covers, my wife spooned up the me, then said "I saw you looking at her, you know. You be careful." A silent pause, then "But you did have the start of a nice hard-on there. You would have been very embarrassed if it had been her mother that saw your cock straining at your shorts." And she reached around behind her to cradle my cock in her hand as she drifted off to sleep.