I don’t have the internet. Yeah, no internet. It has been this way for quite some time too. Apparently the lovely people at RCN would rather not be paid. Anyway, there are 23 wireless networks in my apartment building, and yet not a single one is without a password. I have just been arbitrarily typing passwords into them with no success. Outside of the fact that this keeps me from my daily routine of posting inflammatory comments on video game message boards about how the Wii is the superior video game console due to the intuitive nature of its controller, it also keeps me from being able to actually add any facts into this news piece. So, here are some references that might be funny in context...
1. Welcome Back Kotter
a) Horshack (SEE! I don’t even know if that is spelled correctly due to the lack of Wikipedia)
b) A potential crossover series where Mr. Belding from Saved By the Bell runs Buchanan High
i) The hilarity that could perspective ensue
i) “Up your nose with a rubber hose” and other rhyming body parts/gardening implements
I actually may reuse this at a later time. Get psyched.
2. Corey Matthews
3. The Disney Channel Original series Hannah Montana
a) The fact the Hannah’s brother “Jackson” is apparently played by a 30-year-old man (again, the lack of internet keeps me from citing this)
OH MY GOD. NEW NETWORK OPENED. THE PASSWORD IS "PASSWORD."
THANK YOU “APT 815” for your wireless internet.
You’ve got to be kidding... Okay, while there is a signal, there is no actual connection to the internet. I’m beside myself.
b) The unclear nature of the character “Robbie Ray” who has a murky background that alludes to him being a rock star but never directly states if he IS Billy Ray Cyrus.
i) Billy Ray Cyrus being on a television show in the year 2007
4. Anti-Flag’s entire discography
a) Die For Your Government, in particular
I SERIOUSLY CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I CAN GET ONTO THIS NETWORK, BUT THERES NO INTERNET CONNECTION. THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE
a) CIA agents not being allowed to purchase Furbies® out of fear that they would record secrets and send them to… the Russians?
i) I may have made this one up
ii) The Cold War
6. IMDB Forum
7. The rapidly changing characters in High School Music 2
8. The Adventures Of Pete and Pete
b) Artie, the strongest man. IN THE WORLD!
i) Is he at all happy with his life
This is another thing I hate about not having the internet. I have a propensity for making jokes at the expensive of dead/incarcerated people, and I need to fact-check them before I submit... but without the internet, this is impossible. For all I know, Artie, the strongest man IN THE WORLD!, befell a tragic end and was written out of the show.
9. Summer Sanders
10. Costco, in general
a) The white-chocolate Capitol Buildings for sale, in specific
11. The bread from Trader Joe’s, which is covered in bible quotes.
a) Yeah, it exists
12. The Houston Oilers
a) Warren Moon
13. Kirby Puckett & Billy Blanks
Yup, good story, went to a Starbucks to steal wi-fi and send this.
OH internet, how I have missed you. Okay. Um.
The Most Serene Republic is touring.
They make cool music AND know Kevin Drew! OMG what RELEVANT content!