You Might Be a Liar if You Read This News Story and Hint that You Didn’t Find it at Least as Indulgently Enjoyable as Drum’s Not Dead
By Gumshoe on 05-29-2007

Yew also might be a Liar if... you went to Disney's Wild Hogs and told your wife you “didn't really feel comfortable” with the skinny-dipping scenes
Yew might be a Liar if... you applied for a job as a satellite-dish installation expert after earning a journalism degree and told yourself you didn't feel like a total sell-out.
Yew might be a Liar if... you worked with Grant at a sporting-goods store and said you didn't take the money missing from the upstairs vault, all the while watching poor Grant get harassed by Rathdrum, Idaho police and forced to take a lie-detector test he knew from research would only be 60-70% accurate.
Yew might be a Liar if... you were to slate the release of your fourth, self-titled album for August 28.
Yew might be a Liar if... you told your wife your sleep-moaning last night wasn't the result of a dream about, to put it lightly, a case of Jungle Fever.
Yew might be a Liar if... you told your mom you didn't believe in God anymore and thus wouldn't be attending church when you really just wanted to watch football.
Yew might be a Liar if... you swore up-and-down to Rathdrum, Idaho police that you didn't steal the money... (but, you know, probably not).
Yew might be a Liar if... you said your upcoming album would be released care of white vinyl, CD, and digital formats.
Yew might be a Liar if... you told your boss on a long road trip that his karaoke-on-CD “sounded, you know, pretty good ... I mean, you know, not great, but it's good.”
Yew might be a Lair if... you assured your wife that the boxers she got you don't cramp your motzo balls.
Yew might be a Liar if... you said –- while you definitely didn't steal the money –- that you didn't at least steal a few batteries and a cool-ass butterfly knife from said sporting goods store.
Yew might be a Liar if... you said your new album is more “practical,” with traditional approaches to song structure and instrument usage.
You might be a Liar if... you said you didn't have to edit out a zillion “like” and “you know”s when you interviewed Karen O years ago.
Yew might be a Liar if... you said you didn't know how your DUI fees were magically paid off in full a few weeks after Grant successfully passed his lie-detector test.
Yew might be a Liar if... you said you didn't write this news post when you were supposed to be working.
Yew might be a Liar if... you said you “never felt like a songwriter” until you wrote the music for your aforementioned fourth album.
You might be a Liar if... you said you wouldn't prefer to read your music news without all the fancy-pants frills.
Yew might be a Liar (or something akin to one) if... you're one of the cud-chomping, redneck yahoos responsible for keeping lie-detector tests admissible in the Idaho court of law.
You might be a Liar if... you claimed bringing up Angus Andrews' lover isn't a cheap, all-in-all lousy thing to do.
You might be a Liar if... you said the tracklisting for your upcoming album is as follows:
You might be a Liar if... you claimed this news post wasn't about your life, down to the seediest detail.
Pitchfork Festival Lineup Finalized, Exclusive Interview with Ryan Schreiber
By Mango Starr on 05-29-2007
I could hardly believe it when I entered the coffee shop -- 3:00 P.M., right on time. Back in the corner with a blue hat (as promised) was the one, the only Ryan Schreiber, editor-in-chief of online magazine Pitchfork, reading Vice Magazine and sipping on a tall, dark roast, possibly fair-trade coffee. I took a moment to catch my breath and then staggered clumsily between coffee tables filled with attractive, hip-looking people. I felt so out of place there -- me being perhaps the least attractive of everyone (when did people learn how to dress so cool anyway?) -- but the moment I sat down and introduced myself to Schreiber -- "Hi, I'm Mango Starr, writer/reporter for Tiny Mix Tapes" -- I immediately felt at ease. Kind, gentle, and a little odd, Schreiber was amazing. Here's the interview:
Thanks for agreeing to do this interview, man. I know you're insanely busy.
No problem, Mango. And really, I'm not that busy.
Oh?
Yep.
So... um...
So, how's the weather?
Weren't you just outside?
Oh yeah, sweet weather, yeah?
Really sweet. I love it.
Nice.
Oh, Mr P says "hi" and that he "misses you."
Oh yeah? Cool, how's he doing? I kinda remember meeting him a long time ago.
He seems to remember it vividly. He brings it up all the time, like he's fucking obsessed!
Hmmm, I've only talked to him a few times. He seemed nice.
Weird. He says he talked to you like every night.
He's not white, is he?
Hah, fuck no.
Ahhhhhhh, okay, I remember now. He's a... well, you know.
Hahaha, yeah... He's a nice enough guy though, despite you know...
Haha! INDEED! So, what is it that you wanted to talk about? My hair? Hahahaha!
Hahahah!
Hahahah!
No, no. I wanted to talk about ATP... so, um... Ryan... hey, what are you doing?
[At this point, Ryan is starting to climb up onto the table.]
Sorry Mango, hold on a sec. [Yelling to the coffee shop, pumping his fists above his head] HEY EVERYBODY!! I'm Ryan Schreiber!! How's the weather, motherfuckers!?!? [Wild applause and cheers from the coffee shop] Hey did y'all motherfuckers know about the Pitchfork Music Fest?? [Laughter, because of course they do!] Well, we've just made the final confirmations for the lineup! [More cheers] I'll be posting flyers all around town. But, of course, you can always check out a little site that I call... hmmm, I forgot its name... so, I'm going to need your help, motherfuckers!!! What's the site called everybody!?!? [Schreiber puts right hand to ear; crowd yells at once: "PITCHFORK MEDIA DOT COM!!!!!!!!] HAHAHA! FUCK YES! See you guys there!!! [Thunderous applause as Schreiber plops back into his chair]
Wow, that was amazing, Ryan. You really know how to -- Ryan?
[Schreiber, wide-eyed and giggling hysterically, starts furiously carving the words "Interpol" into the table with a pocket knife]
Hey, um, should you be doing that?
Look, ask your questions, dude. I don't got all day. Gotta fest and shit to do, y'know.
Oh, ok. Alright then. Um, so I wanted to ask you about ATP. So, um --
Wait, stop right there. Actions speak louder than words, am I right? [Winks] Here's what I think about ATP...
[Schreiber signals to me to look under the table, grinning mischievously. Fearing the worst, I slowly peeked my head under the table. And there it was... oh my god. It was absolutely breathtaking... and it was hard: yes, folks, it was a signed copy of Thesaurus Musicarium: The Pitchfork Year in Music 2003.]
Needless to say, I had to have it, right then and there. Schreiber sure liked that. Boy did he like that. At least... I think he did. Shit, I hope he did! My jaw still hurts!
Festival lineup:
Day 1 (Friday, July 13 -- in conjunction with ATP):
Sonic Youth perform Daydream Nation
GZA/Genius performs Liquid Swords
Slint perform Spiderland
Day 2 (Saturday, July 14):
Yoko Ono / Cat Power and Dirty Delta Blues (with members of Dirty Three, the Delta 72, and Blues Explosion) / Clipse / Mastodon / Iron and Wine / Battles / Grizzly Bear / Voxtrot / Califone / The Twilight Sad / Girl Talk / Dan Deacon / Oxford Collapse / Professor Murder / Fujiya & Miyagi / Beach House / William Parker Quartet / Ken Vandermark's Powerhouse Sound
Day 3 (Sunday, July 15):
De La Soul / The New Pornographers / Of Montreal / Stephen Malkmus / Jamie Lidell / The Sea and Cake / Junior Boys / Menomena / The Ponys / Deerhunter / Klaxons / The Field / Cadence Weapon / The Cool Kids / Craig Taborn's Junk Magic / Nomo / Brightblack Morning Light / Fred Lonberg-Holm's Lightbox Orchestra
CHEAP AS HELL, TOO.