North Korea May Be Preparing for a 2nd Nuclear Test, But Did You Hear That Scarlett Johansson Will Cover Tom Waits?

You considered your mind blown after you watched The Island alone in your room with no clothes on, giggling to yourself, saying, "Wow, this actually is a great movie, but I can't tell anyone."

Yes, Scarlett Johansson has often been the culprit to guilty pleasures, such as North, Home Alone 3, and the pornographic classic My Brother the Pig, but now Miss Johansson is adding something shocking to that list. In fact, it is so shocking that I almost pissed my pants when I heard the news. Luckily, I received a catheter for my birthday, and everything went as smooth as jelly.

Fox News, the most trusted name in news among people too lame for TMT, broke the scandalous story that Johansson will be releasing a debut album compiled of Tom Waits tunes. Slated for 2007, the record will be aptly titled Scarlett Sings Tom Waits and distributed by Atco Records, a resurrected branch of Rhino. It is also official that everyone at Fox News should quit their job. Let's face it: there is nothing left to report. Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan sure could have learned a lesson from Scarlett. You don't have to make an album of your own material. Why not just blatantly desecrate a legend? There is still no word from Waits himself over the "breaking news," but I'm sure he'll get an advance copy, listen to it alone in his room, giggling to himself, "Wow, this is actually a great cover album, but I can't tell anyone."

So I'm going to go ahead and jump courageously out on a limb and say that TMT will be giving this album a 5/5 or beyond. And in case you were patiently wondering, the answer is yes! For the perverts, meaning daily readers, of TMT: Johansson's boobs will be singing a duet on the album. Start bugging your local record store now, folks. This is going to be huge!

Group Records Anti-Immigration Song About Moving to Mexico and Being Jerks; Record Played Constantly at the Vice Offices

"I'm not one of these in-your-face political people," Rita Jones, 57, told The San Antonio Express News in a recent article. "I'm not bitter. I'm not a racist. But there are so many illegals in the country now, that it has gotten out of hand."

Jones, a former public library secretary, wrote the lyrics to "So long Texas — Hello Mexico," a song about a U.S. citizen who decides to leave Texas, go to Mexico, and become a burden to their society by driving with no liability and singing the Mexican national anthem in English. Hmmm... now why would they want to go Mexico?!?! Oh... to prove a satirical point. Add one to the irresponsible Mexican stereotype. SLAM DUNK FOR WHITEY.

Well, Jones passed the song onto Johnnie Bradshaw, local DJ/country musician/town genius in Waco since the 1970s, who decided he would get a band together and record this ditty under the name Johnny Tex and the Texicans. Since then, "So long Texas — Hello Mexico!" has reached a rather large audience through that great niche forum, The I.N.T.E.R.N.E.T., receiving 1,000 hits on its first day alone. Hundreds of CDs have been sold. The morning show at the top radio station in Waco picked the song up.

Okay, so the song's not necessarily blowing up, but it sure does reflect something nasty.

"The only people offended are those here illegally," said Rita Jones, secretly thinking about the Hispanic kid that messed up her burrito order that morning. She noted to the Express News that she would rather be remembered for love songs.

Here's another tasty tidbit from that article: "William Gheen, president of Americans for Legal Immigration, a political action committee based in Raleigh, N.C., said he's urging all his 7,000 supporters to ask radio stations across the country to play the song." Whoa! New marketing strategy for indie career-rock artists: songs about the conservative political agenda. OK Go will probably give it a shot once they have exhausted that whole "dance in a novelty video" thing.

But we here at Tiny Mix Tapes have to stand for something, I guess. That's why we're writing our own pro-immigration song in response to the Johnny Tex and the Texicans tune. You know, it's got nothing to do with politics. We just want to ride the whole marketing wave to a TRL #1. E-mail your name and home address here and you will receive a TMT-sanctioned, pro-immigration CD-R within whenever we want. Then hopefully you run your own music blog and will be able to review it and get us in the echo chamber. But, of course, we would rather be rememberd for our love songs.

"So long Texas — Hello Mexico!" can be heard or downloaded here and the lyrics can be found right here at TMT:

So long Texas!

Hello Mexico

I'm gonna swim the Rio Grande

At El Paso

I'm leaving tonight

I ain't gonna pack

I'm only takin' the clothes

On my back

I'll drive a rattletrap car

With no liability

I'll demand equal rights

Though I'm there illegally

I'll protest the streets

'Til they finally grant 'em

Sing English words

To their national anthem

Group Records Anti-Immigration Song About Moving to Mexico and Being Jerks; Record Played Constantly at the Vice Offices

"I'm not one of these in-your-face political people," Rita Jones, 57, told The San Antonio Express News in a recent article. "I'm not bitter. I'm not a racist. But there are so many illegals in the country now, that it has gotten out of hand."

Jones, a former public library secretary, wrote the lyrics to "So long Texas — Hello Mexico," a song about a U.S. citizen who decides to leave Texas, go to Mexico, and become a burden to their society by driving with no liability and singing the Mexican national anthem in English. Hmmm... now why would they want to go Mexico?!?! Oh... to prove a satirical point. Add one to the irresponsible Mexican stereotype. SLAM DUNK FOR WHITEY.

Well, Jones passed the song onto Johnnie Bradshaw, local DJ/country musician/town genius in Waco since the 1970s, who decided he would get a band together and record this ditty under the name Johnny Tex and the Texicans. Since then, "So long Texas — Hello Mexico!" has reached a rather large audience through that great niche forum, The I.N.T.E.R.N.E.T., receiving 1,000 hits on its first day alone. Hundreds of CDs have been sold. The morning show at the top radio station in Waco picked the song up.

Okay, so the song's not necessarily blowing up, but it sure does reflect something nasty.

"The only people offended are those here illegally," said Rita Jones, secretly thinking about the Hispanic kid that messed up her burrito order that morning. She noted to the Express News that she would rather be remembered for love songs.

Here's another tasty tidbit from that article: "William Gheen, president of Americans for Legal Immigration, a political action committee based in Raleigh, N.C., said he's urging all his 7,000 supporters to ask radio stations across the country to play the song." Whoa! New marketing strategy for indie career-rock artists: songs about the conservative political agenda. OK Go will probably give it a shot once they have exhausted that whole "dance in a novelty video" thing.

But we here at Tiny Mix Tapes have to stand for something, I guess. That's why we're writing our own pro-immigration song in response to the Johnny Tex and the Texicans tune. You know, it's got nothing to do with politics. We just want to ride the whole marketing wave to a TRL #1. E-mail your name and home address here and you will receive a TMT-sanctioned, pro-immigration CD-R within whenever we want. Then hopefully you run your own music blog and will be able to review it and get us in the echo chamber. But, of course, we would rather be rememberd for our love songs.

"So long Texas — Hello Mexico!" can be heard or downloaded here and the lyrics can be found right here at TMT:

So long Texas!

Hello Mexico

I'm gonna swim the Rio Grande

At El Paso

I'm leaving tonight

I ain't gonna pack

I'm only takin' the clothes

On my back

I'll drive a rattletrap car

With no liability

I'll demand equal rights

Though I'm there illegally

I'll protest the streets

'Til they finally grant 'em

Sing English words

To their national anthem

Weasel Walter Wants Your Wallet

Pearls and Brass, the Drag City evil-boogie trio, are going to tour. The Indian Tower [TMT Review] was their first effort for the label that's pretty close to where I live, actually, and now the band needs to go around the country looking for where our reviewer Jspicer lives. "You only gave us a 2/5?!??! COME OUT!!! COME OUT OF YOUR HOLE!!!!! We'll call you bland and predictable, with a knife!"

Don't worry, Spice-baby. I'll never tell... for not money.

You can totally tell that some of the guys in this band have serious jobs, because the dates are so spread out:

10.20.06 - Annandale on the Hudson, NY - Bard College
10.21.06 - Middletown, CT - Wesleyan College
10.22.06 - Somerville, MA - PA's Lounge
11.11.06 - Philadelphia, PA - The Kyber (w/ Blue Cheer)
11.24.06 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle
11.26.06 - Denver, CO - Bender's
11.28.06 - Seattle, WA - Sunset Tavern
11.30.06 - Eugene, OR - Luckey's
12.01.06 - San Francisco, CA - Slim's (w/ Om)
12.02.06 - Big Sur, CA - Fernwood Resort

Weasel Walter Wants Your Wallet

Weasel Walter has made himself somewhat industrious, why ought I be impressed? So he’s releasing a bevy of albums of late, and I shan’t cachinnate nor chortle at this dispatch. So he and his westerly gamins and chippies have hatched the consequent presently: an XBXRX album afresh, a Lake of Dracula précis, scads of untrammeled jazz smashing and braying, a peregrination concomitantly with Lair of the Minotaur, a tardy (if I do say so) Flying Luttenbachers DVD, and doubtless legion other schemes. To wit, whilst haunting my local, well, haunt, the congregation was abuzz apropos his artistic foundation. I shall pluck up and estimate this is out of turn. For, cast thine eyes upon my very own conquests. I have heretofore consummated my own euphonical wanderings of the gelid septentrional and unfettered Horoscopo, a To Live and Shave in LA conspectus, and forthwith you can forestall your habitus for Noon and Eternity, Les Tricoteuses, Piper's Son, a Xiu Xiu reallineation, my dalliance with Black Meat, and surely more. Who is the better man? That is indubitably incognizable. My best admonition would be to perlustrate both of our corpora and adjudge for yourself. -Ommyth

ASCAP Sues Oregon Restaurant Owner for Letting a Local Band Play Covers Once in a While; Other Music Publications Ask, “Is Music Industry Living Out Elaborate TMT Joke?”

The Oregonian reports that Michael Dorr, a Portland restaurant owner, owes a large sum of money for letting local band Black Notes play three cover songs. The band played Jimi Hendrix's "The Wind Cries Mary," Stevie Wonder's "That Girl," and War's "Slippin' Into Darkness." And the American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers (ASCAP) wants the money.

Here is an excerpt from the OregonLive.com: "Because his place features local musicians and covers are rare, he didn't think he had to pay the musicians and publishers group an estimated $2,000 to cover performances of copyrighted tunes." But, because an ASCAP man came to eat and wrote down the names of the songs he heard, Dorr owes between $750 and $30,000 on each song for copyright infringement. Had a representative from ASCAP not paid this unannounced visit, Dorr wouldn't be facing bankruptcy.

"It's basically going to bankrupt me and put me out of business," Dorr, who is married and a father of two, told the Oregonian. "I can't afford the lawyer and the fees. It's going to close me down."

"It's a total bummer," he continued. "It's scary for me and my family. The restaurant business is hard and on top of other things, business is slow. This is the icing on the cake."

That is absurd, right? No jokes; that's ridiculous. I'm not the sharpest cheese in the fridge, but I didn't know it was against the law to play a cover or allow them to be played live. I thought you were safe if you announced who wrote it. But Dorr, owner of Imbibe on Southeast Hawthorne Boulevard, is a living example of my ignorance. Does that mean the band, Black Notes, is guilty too? I don't know, and chances are, the common musician doesn't either. So... beware. At least make sure no ASCAP stings are in progress at your venue.

Really, what I'm saying is: don't play music. Abstinence is the only 100% effective method for staying safe. Just don't do it. But, we're young. We're human. So if you have to, do it in private and alone. Playing music, even on a hi-fi, is probably illegal, so don't do that either. Buying music, according to ASCAP and probably the RIAA, is the entertainment industry's version of the speed trap. Gotcha! You thought you were supporting artists! It was all a part of an elaborate copyright infringement scheme. Don't buy music; don't play it; don't sing it; don't let it be sung; don't even mention it. In fact, TMT is being sued for $60,000 and an H.J. for this article. So, by all means, give some money to the Wonder and Hendrix estates. In the meantime, everyone into the copyright prison!

  

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