PLUG Awards Accepting Nominations for Sexiest Music Website of the Year

My wife was the sound person at the Knitting Factory in New York. As a faithful spouse and happy concertgoer, I was happy to help out in whatever capacity I could — driving the bands around, making dinner after rehearsals, helping in arranging trips. There was a constantly changing staff with a certain core group of kids involved. One of them, a tall, slender girl named Plug had been our neighbor for nearly ten years, and she was always the best at booking shows.

Plug had always been one of my favorites, visiting and spending time in our home over the years. She was nearly 6' tall, with long blonde hair, very sensual lips, and a body kept in tone by years of dancing and athletics. Her breasts were small, about 34As, and her legs were long and well-muscled. She sang like an angel with a high, clear soprano voice.

Plug had, over the years, shown a tendency to give me big hugs, always with a comment like "TMT, you're my favorite," or "TMT, you're like a big cuddly bear." I would lean over and give her a kiss on top of her head and smile, never feeling very comfortable with it, but not wanting to hurt her feelings. I started avoiding being in situations where it might happen, and I never was alone with her, as that would violate the rules of the Knitting Factory.

One night at a Knitting Factory pool party, she wore a very skimpy bikini, really just a thong and two small pieces of fabric covering her nipples. I couldn't help but look and found myself paying attention to her. My wife didn't fail to notice either. "TMT, put your eyes back in your head. And what's that you've got going there?" she asked as she gave a little disapproving look at my crotch.

As the party wore down and we were about to leave, Plug came up to me, dripping wet, fresh from the pool. With a big hug, she said "Looks like I got accepted to Harvard. I'm going to miss you, TMT. Write to me, okay?" And she gave me her e-mail address. My wife broke up the hug with a comment that we had to go.

That night there was a strained silence followed by a comment that Plug should really be careful in school, since she took such liberties by 'throwing herself' at men. At bedtime, as we slid under the covers, my wife spooned up the me, then said "I saw you looking at her, you know. You be careful." A silent pause, then "But you did have the start of a nice hard-on there. You would have been very embarrassed if it had been her mother that saw your cock straining at your shorts." And she reached around behind her to cradle my cock in her hand as she drifted off to sleep.

Google Buys YouTube, Makes Deals with Majors; Sex Tape of Mr P Surfaces on YouTube

"You can make money without doing evil." That's what Google (NASDAQ: GOOG) says. And guess what? Maybe Google's right. While Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) is thumbtacking chairs with its evil, evil ways, Google is instead making some real sound decisions, at least in the business sense. Over the past year, Google has partnered with NASA, News Corp (NYSE: NWS), AOL (NYSE: TWX), and Sun Microsystems (NASDAQ: SUNW) — 'member when it bought Blogger in 2003?

It's true, TMT (NYSE: P4K) readers. Google's RICH!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Google has money. SO WHAT. Well, it was announced yesterday that Google bought YouTube for $1.65 billion in a stock-for-stock transaction. YouTube will keep its brand name, headquarters, and all its employees, while Google will also retain its own shitty-ass video service for whatever reason. In addition to more technological knowledge and advertising skills, YouTube will likely feature more videos of people searching for things on Google. Which is so exciting that I won't even end this sentence with a period          And I'm going to write stuff                over here! And I'm not going to even finish th

The deal was announced shortly after YouTube announced partnerships with Universal Music Group, Sony BMG Music Entertainment, and CBS Corp. Just last week, YouTube struck a deal with Warner Music Group (wonder where the fuck's EMI?). Looks like the majors are playing the YouTube game, so you can stop calling YouTube the next Napster. In fact, why don't you just pick up a phone and call ME "napster." I'm lonely. And EVER SO HORNY!!!!

Meanwhile, I just did some research and found out that Google didn't buy YouTube. So nevermind. But here's the first paragraph again, just for fun: "You can make money without doing evil." That's what Google (NASDAQ: GOOG) says. And guess what? Maybe Google's right. While Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) is thumbtacking chairs with its evil, evil ways, Google is instead making some real sound decisions, at least in the business sense. Over the past year, Google has partnered with NASA, News Corp (NYSE: NWS), AOL (NYSE: TWX), and Sun Microsystems (NASDAQ: SUNW) — 'member when it bought Blogger in 2003?

They Skipped Columbus Day?! What? Thanks, Greh; Hive Mind Tour

You know how Native Americans used to stick wooden spikes horizontally through their chests and then tie them to a large pole and walk around the pole for days until the spikes burst through their skin? Well, a group of people decided last Friday to do that same thing — but to other people — and through these peoples' temples instead of their chests. Greh, known to most as Hive Mind, will lead the troupe with his analog deathstick ready for slaughter. Following close behind will be Charlie Draheim and Moth Drakula, two of the most terrifying chieftains of noise. (Those names really sound like they were made for tribal chiefs.) It will be their job to scalp the victims to expose said temples. And finally, Cadaver in Drag will dance with the corpses, occasionally smashing their skulls a little with sludgy hammers. How is America defending itself for this utterly deserved retaliatory attack? By opening up the basements of our homes and the seedy underground venues which were formerly hidden. (These venues were hidden mainly to keep such music from going mainstream, because, y'know, it could happen. We eat what we like.)

These artists are known for their devastation and they will be playing with equally destructive acts at every stop of their Midwest tour. Of course, I don't expect to draw many new fans to these performances — noise isn't generally a genre you ease into without already knowing a good deal about it — but I hope that previously uninformed readers will attempt to go see these shows, if not for the bands then for their limited release, tour-only, split cassettes and awesome, badass lathes. Good luck, have fun, and don't die.

If you can find these venues, you don't need to be reading this:

10.06.06 – Detroit, MI – Behind the Green Door (NOISY)
10.07.06 – Columbus, OH – Café Bourbon Street (SEX)
10.08.06 – Lexington, KY – Frowny Bear +

10.10.06 – St. Louis, MO – Spooky Action Palace (LOVE)
10.11.06 – Iowa City, IA – Hall Mall ^2
10.12.06 – Madison, WI – Club 770 =
10.13.06 – Chicago, IL – Mr. City (DEATH)
10.14.06 – Kalamazoo, MI – The Red Room (RIGHT?)

(NOISY) w/ Aaron Dilloway
(SEX) w/ Bath House
+ w/ Walter Carson
(LOVE) w/ Worm Hands (yeah!)
^2 w/ Runaway Five
= w/ Ettrick
(DEATH) w/ Noise Nomads and Bloodyminded
(RIGHT?) w/ Evenings

There is a Game… That I Like to Play… And it is Called… KHANATE (Which Will Be Played No More)

I have this really bad habit of subconsciously refusing to listen to music that's jammed down my throat by friends, no matter how much I trust their musical digs. It's just a feeling of pride or annoyance for not discovering it first, or some shit. In the immortal words of Rob Gordon, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains. I'm over The Arcade Fire, but if it wasn't for these persistent dudebros of mine, I would never know the wonders that are The Hold Steady and Bonnie "Prince" Billy. Oh, and most importantly (for this story anyway): Broken Social Scene!!! Like an idiot, I made my Top Ten Albums of 2005 list before even listening to the BSS self-titled disc, and while I maintain that Sleater-Kinney's The Woods would keep a top slot, BSS literally made me late to class daily. I would sit on the benches with the smokers outside the Humanities building, waiting for songs to end and slip guiltily into class five minutes late, clutching these big dumb headphones.

Moral of the story: being passive-aggressively jealous of your friends for knowing more about music than you just makes you late to class. And it also guides you to the state of nirvana that is known as the voices of Leslie Feist and Emily Haines. Since I'm such a nice girl, I'll let you in on a little secret: You can see the real thing in a city near you. They're touring with Do Make Say Think, a band that could very well be considered part of the extended family.

Hell, you just might call them superconnected:

10.19.06 Indianapolis, IN - The Vogue *
10.20.06 - Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse *
10.21.06 - Knoxville, TN - Bijou Theatre *
10.22.06 - Nashville, TN - City Hall *
10.24.06 - Dallas, TX - Gypsy Tea Room *
10.26.06 - Austin, TX - Stubb's *
10.27.06 - Houston, TX - Warehouse Live *
10.28.06 - New Orleans, LA - Voodoo Music Experience
10.29.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree *
10.31.06 - Tallahassee, FL - The Moon *
11.01.06 - Fort Lauderdale, FL - Culture Room *
11.02.06 - St. Petersburg, FL - Jannus Landing *
11.03.06 - Charleston, SC - Music Farm *
11.04.06 - Asheville, NC - Orange Peel *
11.06.06 - Baltimore, MD - Sonar *
11.07.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club *
11.08.06 - Providence, RI - Lupo's *
11.09.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Electric Factory *
11.10.06 - Cleveland, OH - House of Blues *
11.11.06 - Ann Arbor, MI - Michigan Theater *

* w/ Do Make Say Think

There is a Game… That I Like to Play… And it is Called… KHANATE (Which Will Be Played No More)

Everyone, I'm very sorry to announce I have some bad news. The kings of sludge brutality have recently decided to step down from the throne. As of September 24, 2006, Khanate — composed of members Alan Dubin, Stephen O'Malley, James Plotkin, and Tim Wyskida — are no more. According to Blabbermouth.net, Plotkin announced that "due to the lack of commitment of certain members" he no longer wants to continue playing. Apparently, "some players are more concerned with personal careers and day jobs rather than the advancement of music as an artform (sic)." Now, I have a lot of respect for people who can balance a day job with a pretty significant career as an artist, but if I ever had to work alongside a member of Khanate, regardless of how they looked, I would be terrified. It's a shame that they couldn't work out some sort of system for the band equivalent to the mullet. So instead of "party" in the back, it would be "make insanely long, grating songs and promote the arts" randomly throughout the mane of life (but still in significant chunks).

Known for their extreme style of doom metal with drawn-out songs that slowly pummeled from the inside, Khanate will be sorely missed among the metal crowd. James Plotkin plans on continuing performing and creating new music with bandmate Tim Wyskida, and of course Stephen O'Malley will forever deafen ears with the delightful sounds of Sunn 0))). There will be two last Kleenexes of metal (ouch!) to wipe the remaining tears off of the faces of die-hard fans: the companion album to Capture and Release and a bonus disc of a reissue of their self-titled album in Japan, which will contain previously unreleased material. All of the fan-boys on the Southern Lord forums with their avatars of scantily-clad Asian women were weeping into their keyboards this week, but luckily the members with avatars of shocking, fucked-up shit reminded them that the band members will most likely all go on to create more music in a crazy hydra-effect that will forever immortalize Khanate. Thank god for doom metal.

You Like Jello Biafra? The Guys on the Football Team Say He’s for FAQs

Q: What is spoken word?

A: Don't you kids know how to use Wikipedia? Wow, Wiki... way to put GG Allin and William S. Burroughs in the same category.

Q. Who came up with this spoken word bullshit, anyway?

A: The term "spoken word" was coined by that guy who seems to live in your local coffee shop who you always see drinking a latte, with a copy of Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling in front of him. He's never reading the book, though. He's always holding forth on postmodern philosophy and outsider art to some skinny girl in glasses and sweater and never lets her get a word in edgewise. One day, he realized that in order to keep ranting and raving without being labelled "annoying," "long-winded" or, God forbid, "pretentious," he was going to have to give what he was doing a really awesome name and transform it into an art. Thusly, spoken word was born.

Q. What could Jello Biafra, founder of seminal punk band Dead Kennedys, once the PMRC's public enemy #1, possibly want with such a boring and nebulous art form?

A: While many "spoken word artists," as people like Allen Ginsberg and Lydia Lunch (you're killing me, Wikipedia) like to be called, try to pass off their incoherent ramblings as poetic, Biafra does no such thing. His performances are more like well-scripted stand-up comedy, focusing on political and cultural issues. Think The Daily Show meets '80s punk rock.

Q: Why doesn't he just call it stand-up?

A: I have no fucking clue.

Q: If he called it stand-up, I would totally buy tickets.

A: I know, right? Anyway, that wasn't a question. Watch y'self, Q... if that is your real name.

Q: So is this crap really worth my 10 bucks, or whatever it costs?

A: Actually, it kind of is. Biafra spouts off on everything you're pissed off about, except he's smarter than you are, and well-spoken to boot. Plus, the guy goes on for like four hours and doesn't even get boring. If you don't believe me, listen to his new album, In the Grip of Official Treason (Alternative Tentacles). He probably doesn't even mind if you download it illegally. He's that cool of a guy.

Q: What's the difference between Jello Biafra and Jell-O Pudding?

A: One is artificially sweetened; the other is genuinely acerbic.

Q: What's your biggest Jello Biafra-related regret?

A: That I didn't hug him when I had the chance. He's like a teddy bear! And now his tour isn't even coming to New York.

Q: If the Dead Kennedys, in their current incarnation, tour without Jello Biafra, do they make a sound?

A: No; absolutely not.

Thus, spoken word Jello Biafra:

10.23.06 - Seattle, WA - El Corazon
10.24.06 - Eugene, OR - WOW Hall
10.25.06 - Portland, OR - Disjecta
10.27.06 - Olympia, WA - Capitol Theater
11.02.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - Opilis Union Hall
11.04.06 - Denver, CO - Gothic Theater
11.05.06 - Omaha, NE - Sokol Auditorium
11.09.06 - Antwerp, Belgium - De Nachten festival
11.12.06 - Albuquerque, NM - Sunshine Theater
11.13.06 - Flagstaff, AZ - Orpheum Theater
11.14.06 - Phoenix, AZ - Marquee Theater
11.15.06 - Tucson, AZ - Solar Cultural Theater

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