The Rapture Tour U.S. and Canada; Confused Christian Fundamentalists Buy Tickets, Are in for Big Surprise

Said one churchgoer to another, "Hark, I hear that the rapture is coming. It will begin in DC first, to smote those foul politicians, then sweep across the United States and Canada. The final judgments will occur in Las Vegas and Los Angeles, those Spanish-named bastions of sin."

The other, overcome with emotion, fell to his knees, and raised his eyes to the heavens. "Lord! Please provideth me with tickets to your holy assemblage! The rapture is upon us and I beseech you to include me in your hour of righteousness!"

Needless to say, when Rapture tickets began to rain down from heaven, every hipster within a mile radius called every hipster within a ten-mile radius, who called their hipster friends in the three neighboring states. I hear there are still some tickets, albeit a bit smeared, floating down the Mississippi River. If only you were willing to get your American Apparel leggings wet...

The rapture will probably not be televised (but will most likely be on YouTube within 5 hours of the end of the first show):

10.26.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
10.27.06 - Toronto, Ontario - The Guvernment
10.28.06 - Detroit, MI - St Andrew's Hall
10.30.06 - New York, NY - Webster Hall
11.01.06 - Boston, MA - Axis
11.02.06 - Montreal, Quebec - Club Soda
11.03.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Pure Nightclub
11.05.06 -Chicago, IL - Metro
11.07.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's
11.09.06 - Phoenix, AR - The Old Brickhouse Theatre
11.10.06 - Pomona, CA - Glass House
11.11.06 - San Francisco, CA - Be The Riottt!
11.13.06 - Seattle, WA - El Corazon
11.14.06 - Vancouver, BC - Richards on Richards
11.15.06 - Portland, OR - Wonder Ballroom
11.17.06 - Las Vegas, NV - Celebrity Vegas
11.20.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theatre