Ms. Jones had been awake for an hour or two finishing up some leftover beluga and Veuve Clicquot left on the nightstand, but was just now getting out of her four-poster. It was just too hard some afternoons to get off that mattress (word was that the mattress was stuffed with dod feathers and locks of child prodigies’ hair). She squatted over her Hermès carryall because the 12-foot walk to the bathroom was “just too far.” She rang her Fabergé bell to summon “the help.” A young boy was there in a flash to begin the arduous task of leading his patron everywhere with a golden hose of spring water (Ms. Jones likes a constant feeling of walking on water). She boarded her custom-made Craft-matic adjustable stair chair and descended to ground level where Mimzy, her blue ribbon-winning French poodle; Caesar, her champion stud French bulldog; and Pierre-François, her champion stud French chef (and, like the time it was violated in the pantry with half a leek dipped in crème caramel at madam’s Emmy Awards after-party, occasional drunken lay) greeted her with open paws and arms. The classy star finally opened her insured-for-$3-million-synthetic-mouth to speak: “Pee-air Fraaaaan-swaaaa? Can you carry down the elliptical bike for me? I feel like getting my sweat on down here today. And don’t let ‘Jorge’ or whatever his name is (it was Derek) take those kitchen scraps home to his fam-a-lia or his “homies” today... Mimzy and Caesar get peckish around midnight. Speaking of ‘Pablo’ or whatever his name is (it was still Derek), can you get him to clean up my Hermès bag upstairs... I think one of ‘my children’ did a little doodie in it, hee, hee...”

Ms. Jones? Nah, this cannot be the same Sharon Jones -- soul sister number one, 110 pounds of soul excitement, the same sister who’s so bad, she’s badder than bad -- can it? Would Sharon Jones of Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings ever stoop to such celebutante nonsense? No, that kind of diva behavior is left for wooden actors and dented humans like Scarlet Johansson and George Clooney. Star Jones maybe, Sharon Jones never! Oh well, if this entirely fictional spectacle above was true, it would be warranted. Yes, the fame train has arrived at Daptone headquarters and with good reason: the hardest working woman and band in showbizniz are set to have a banner end to 2007, and we can’t think of anyone more deserving. Relentlessly touring, Jones and the Dap-Kings will do what they do best: hit the road in support of their latest disc 100 Days, 100 Nights. The good times begin on October 6 with a record-release party at the legendary Apollo Theater, then the band will whisk across the Atlantic for some European dates before coming back for a month of shows in North America

10.06.07 - New York, NY - Apollo Theater
10.16.07 - Bordeaux, France - Theatre du Vigean
10.17.07 - Barcelona, spain - Sala Apolo
10.18.07 - Lyon, France - Ninkasi Kao
10.19.07 - Paris, France - L'Elysée Montmartre
10.20.07 - Nancy, France - Nancy Jazz Pulsations
10.23.07 - Koln, Germany - Alter Wartesaal
10.24.07 - Brussels, Belgium - Ancienne Belgique
10.25.07 - Amsterdam, Netherlands - Paradiso Upper Hall
10.26.07 - Hamburg, Germany - Mandarin Kasino
10.27.07 - Berlin, Germany - Bohannon Soul Club
10.30.07 - Weisbaden, Germany - Schlachtof
10.31.07 - Vienna, Austria - Supersonic Festival
11.02.07 - Zurich, Switzerland - Jazznojazz Festival 2007
11.03.07 - Nice, France - Theatro Lino Ventura
11.09.07 - Cambridge, MA - Middle East Downstairs
11.11.07 - Montréal, Quebec - La Tulipe
11.13.07 - Toronto, Ontario - Lee’s Palace
11.14.07 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick
11.15.07 - Chicago, IL - Park West
11.16.07 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
11.17.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Turner Hall
11.18.07 - Indianapolis, IN - The Vogue
11.20.07 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Ballroom
12.01.07 - San Diego, CA - Belly Up Tavern
12.04.07 - Los Angeles, CA - El Rey Theater
12.05.07 - San Francisco, CA - Bimbo’s 365 Club
12.07.07 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge
12.08.07 - Seattle, WA - Neumo’s
12.09.07 - Vancouver, British Columbia - Commodore Ballroom
12.10.07 - Bellingham, WA - The Nightlight
01.04-09.08 - Jamcruise! (Ft. Lauderdale, FL - Roatan, Honduras - Costa Maya, Mexico)

If it weren’t enough to witness the band live, there’s the upcoming Christmas Day present of seeing Jones on the silver screen and, of course, a new album! Jones will croon the Lucille Bogan track “That’s What My Baby Likes” as juke joint singer “Lila” in the Denzel Washington-helmed The Great Debaters due December 25, and the next Dap-Kings full-length wonder will be available October 2 through Daptone Records. 4 out of 5 divas agree... “It’s the shizz-nit! (Is that how you say it, Pierre-François?) Let them eat soul!”

100 Days, 100 Nights, 10 Songs:

1. 100 Days, 100 Nights
2. Nobody's Baby
3. Tell Me
4. Be Easy
5. When the Other Foot Drops, Uncle
6. Let Them Knock
7. Something's Changed
8. Humble Me
9. Keep On Looking
10. Answer Me

Spice Girls Get Bono to Write a Track for Them, Said It Was Weird Talking to Bono with His Sunglasses On

Bono rules. Dude's got philanthropy coming out his ears! With all the shit on his plate -- third World debt, Aids, U2, Ray-Ban sunglasses, getting censored for speaking out against torture -- you'd think Bono wouldn't even have time to write music. BUT HE DOES APPARENTLY!

According to the Mirror, Bono has written a track for the upcoming Spice Girls greatest hits compilation. (The track title hasn't yet been revealed, but I wouldn't doubt if Bono just gave them some old unreleased U2 B-side. I mean, who'd even try to argue with Bono?? Like I said, Bono rules.) Even more exciting, Spice Girls may perform the song live on their upcoming "reunion tour"!

Although Baby, Ginger, Posh, Scary and Sporty are getting £10million apiece for the 15-date tour and tickets for the first show sold out in 38 sexy seconds, an exact date has not been issued for the greatest hits comp because label big wigs are reportedly scared it might go "ker-plunk." I love it!

The Jesus and Mary Chain Tour; The Buddha and Siddhartha Handcuffs Still Broken Up (For Now!)

Let's face it; everyone needs to have a little Jesus and Mary Chain in their lives. It's a shame that so many people jumped on the bandwagon so late (there was some great material in the mid-'90s that definitely got overlooked). Isn't it amazing what a celebrity endorsement can do for a band? (Scarlett Johansson for those keeping score.)

For anyone who had the privilege of catching their Coachella performance this year, you'll know that the boys in JAMC are well-rehearsed and ready to show the youngsters in your city how to rock. Of course, not before they give their newest song "All Things Must Pass" to the upcoming Heroes soundtrack. Perhaps some might consider this to be a strange choice for a new track, but television has been a plush playground for indie acts ever since The O.C. made Death Cab For Cutie and Pinback household names.

Wait a second, what the fuck is a household name, anyway?

I digress; Jesus And Mary Chain are touring, and here are the tourdates. Evan Dando will be handling the opening slots (Yeah, the guy from Lemonheads. Yeah, they just reunited for Coachella, too. What's your point?), along with Black Rebel Motorcycle Club on the lone L.A. date. UK act Soulsavers were due to open previously, but canceled all supporting dates.

Close those fake naked Scarlett Johansson JPG files and come to these shows:

% Evan Dando

$ Evan Dando and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Radiohead to Release “Standard” Version of In Rainbows in 2008

The internet blew-the-fuck-up last night when The Radio Headz announced their new album, In Rainbows, was being released not only as a special box set in December, but also digitally (DRM-free) in just 10 days. The "discbox" ain't too cheap (though, given the context and what you get, $81.90 or whatever ain't bad), but the price of the digital download? UP TO THE CONSUMER. Equally shocking was the announcement that the album was being self-released. It hasn't even been a full day yet, and the resulting debates over the future of the music industry and Radiohead's "revolutionizing" commercial approach are lengthy enough to fill a book (probably a crap book, but a book nonetheless).

But Radiohead may not have fully exited the incestuous, pornographic circus that is the music industry after all. According to a spokesperson, "Radiohead are currently planning a traditional CD release of In Rainbows for early 2008." No label (if any) or specifics have been announced -- Billboard reports that EMI are believed to be still "in the running" -- but if a "traditional release" of In Rainbows means using a "traditional" distribution method and/or using a label to release it, then perhaps Radiohead are not necessarily trying to fuck with the music industry so much as provide options for their fans, who by now are so richly varied that it takes multiple formats and marketing approaches to cater to them all.

So: while the distribution plans are still "revolutionary" (not to mention the pricing), the political implications of yesterday's announcement is still up for debate.

But what about their chart eligibility? Oh NME, you're so cute.

Have you been feeling a little bit down lately?

Maybe it's the fact that the days are getting shorter and shorter, and your body is getting less and less of that precious vitamin D that it needs to keep your mind off of razoring yourself to death in your parents' bathroom. Maybe it's that your classes aren't as "blow off, dude" as your stoner roommate assured you they'd be last spring from behind his controller in between rounds of Super Smash Brothers. Or maybe it's just that you recently found out the hard way that the girl who you like that works over at the bank definitely doesn't respond well to being called "m'lady." Or maybe because that cute boy you had your eye on in HR doesn't like being grabbed there without permission.

Whatever the case, one thing's for sure: your life BLOWS right now.

But do you know who's life doesn't blow right now? I'll tell you: Tim DeLaughter's, as well as those of the entire robed, lobotomized, krazy-with-a-"k" crooning crew from Polyphonic Spree, that's who!

Don't believe me?

Well, fine then, Mr. Brightside. Let's just compare a few notes then, shall we?

- Tim DeLaughter and the Spree are beloved here at TMT for their sometimes-comedic, off-kilter, divinely inspired power pop gems.

- YOU are not.

- Tim and Co. have recently released their third LP, The Fragile Army, on TVT Records, to relatively wide critical acclaim. Our friends at Pitchfork Media called the new disc "an all-out orchestral and choral assault for optimism in a turbulent era," while Billboard declared, "This is one military exercise we can get behind without reservation."

- YOU recently released your own shaky-voiced podcast about your die-hard baseball team's pros and cons as they enter the MLB playoffs in a few weeks, and no one listened to it except for your step-dad, who doesn't work because he's on disability.

- The boys and girls of Polyphonic Spree have got a friend in Jesus.

- YOU've got a friend in Jesüs, your roommate's shady dealer.

- The Spree couldn't be surrounded by happier vibes at the moment, as they will be spending the coming months in the fun-loving, easy-going company of fellow sunshine-loving pop-tomists Rooney, as well as '60s pop connoisseurs The Redwalls, as the three bands combine their jolly forces on a full-fledged U.S. tour beginning mid-October of this year. Good times will abound as the bands sputter on down the road, traveling from town to town in state-of-the-art touring vehicles powered by candy, dimples, laughter, and self-esteem.

- YOU... well, you just have mid-terms in October...

Just look at what you'll never be a part of:

** Polyphonic Spree only

See what I mean? Don’t worry, I’ll hide the guns...

Broken Scrapbooking Scene Release a Book in an Attempt to Preserve Legacy

Not content with maintaining their status as top “Canadian indie rock supergroup,” word on the street has it that Broken Social Scene will take on the role of epherema blenders when they release a book in the fall of 2008. The hyperactive Arts & Crafts collective will show off their artier and craftier side with This Book Is Broken via Toronto’s House of Anansi Press. BSS player Justin Peroff will be assembling photos, posters and flyers, bits of string, clippings, broken social shoelaces, paper airplanes, air sickness bags, letters, numbers, stickers, tickets, and cigarette butts for the book. It is rumored that Peroff is considering eyelets, stamps, chipboard, and bows as embellishments for the sure-to-be-attractive memory tomb.

Slow down folks... U2 wasn’t built in a day.