Spanish Subsistence Farmers, Arts & Crafts?! I Thought I Knew You; Los Campesinos! To Tour! Excitedly! Elicit Punctuation Fervor In News!

It's time to get to the bottom of this business with Los Campesinos! But don't worry, the exclamation point is theirs, not mine -- I'm cool, calm, and collected about this! Toronto powerhouse label Arts & Crafts has taken this young band under its collective (get it?) wing, first with an opening slot for indie-rock behemoth Broken Social Scene and more recently by signing the burgeoning 7-piece to a record deal! Los Campesinos!, though, do not hail from the Great White North, nor do any of their members play in the Social Scene or Scene spawn, for that matter! This shakes my foundation and, to be frank, makes me feel unsettled! When I turn to A&C for my fix of the Canadian Grateful Dead (BSS), a venti-sized Starbucks blend of latte soaked goodness (like Feist) or orchestral chamber pop (like Stars), I want to know this is the most interwoven, interconnected, inbred group of musicians I can possibly find, all (or mostly) hailing from places where people care about hockey! Is that so much to ask?!

Instead, I'm getting a rambunctious hybrid of Arctic Monkey and Architecture in Helsinki that sounds like the band started by that kid who wouldn't stop wiping his nose on his sleeve in elementary school! They're from Cardiff, Wales, and I'm not even sure they play hockey in Wales! What's more, this band exponentially increases the deception factor by being neither Hispanic nor farmers! At this point, I wouldn't be able to take all of the abuse from a brand new band and an established label I once loved if this music wasn't so damn fun! And, for a few dates only, you can see it live!

The Story of the Jock Who Clapped His Hands And Said Yeah; A Short Fictional Tale By Scout Leader Kyle

It was always hot in August; Ohio was good for that. It was fair time here in ol' Champaign County, the time of year for 15 year olds to get drunk and hook up in the campers and barns. The year was 2006, and a friend and I decided to head down to the county fair, only to realize that, if we wanted to live happy lives, our existence in this shitty area needed to be short-lived. My friend was wearing a really happening green Yeah Yeah Yeahs t-shirt, and I was wearing a brown Clap Your Hands Say Yeah shirt with pink font. It was sexy, and I loved me some CYHSY at the time.

As we walked on the dirt, smelling the essence of pig shit and fair food, we were confronted by a number of random guys. Typically, these manly men would be sporting a Holister baseball cap, leather sandals, American Eagle shorts, a Hot Topic metal bracelet, and an Abercrombie shirt. They were being loud, obnoxious, and would typically "clap their hands" and shout "yeah!" while hangin' with their buddies.

One of the boys (the most obnoxious one) went by the name "George." George had no clue that Clap Your Hands Say was an amazing band that took the independent music world by storm with their self-released, self-titled debut album back in 2005. So what did George do? You guessed it. He "clapped his hands" and said "yeah."

The next day the police department found George on top of a camper, rotting and chewing on his castrated nuts.

Moral of the story: If you don't want to end up like George, I suggest you get some schooling and see CYHSY live at these dates:

* Elvis Perkins in Dearland

Janet Reno Mackin’ On America, To Discover America Likes Her as a Friend and Digs Pam Anderson, Angelina Jolie, and Ladies that Wear Lacy Panties, Reno To Read Cosmopolitan for Petty Booty-Shaking Empowerment, Reno Compiles a “Get Wit’ Me” Mix CD and Breathily Whisper in America’s Ear “Here, Listen to Devendra Banhart and Andrew Bird While I Slip Into Something More Comfortable and Then We Can Both Steam-Up Your Great, Big, Melting Pot…”

Halfway through an oh-so-lonely spin of La-La-La Lohan’s “Rumors” this fourth of July, Janet Reno got sick of her post-cold cream bedtime routine: singing into her hairbrush and getting down to JAMZ behind closed doors, where only she could appreciate her smooth, supple breasts sagging on her robust figure, her chick-with-a-mission hairdo, and her tasteful cotton panties.

Long since holding onto a dream that looks don’t matter to her MAJAHH CRUSHHHH!, a friend of a friend told Janet that America, who she had long since been putting the moves on, digs that FUGLY SLUT Pam Anderson. And Angelina Jolie. And Jennifer Aniston.

WHAAAAAAT????? AMERICA LIKES HOT CHICKS????? WHAT ABOUT BRAINS????

“AMERICA IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, JANET,” said the friend.

Janet was heartbroken.

After deciding a boob job would jerk the chain of that whole female-empowerment thing she has going for her, she changed into her pajamas (a shoulder-padded feet pajamas business suit of breathable fabric) and remembered youth (acne, headgear, never getting asked to a prom), and at that moment got WAY EMPOWERED. Following a road paved by every ugly girl who pretends it doesn’t bother them to look like ass, Reno flipped through Cosmo for tips on tightening her abs and cried halfway through sit-up number three.

“I’m sick of being alone!” said Reno, sniffling, while her hairline sweat profusely.

Though sit-ups weren’t happening, neither was sitting at home in her pajamas.

Reno was going out tonight.

After caking on some glitter-ific Caboodles, hoisting her ever-saggy boobs into a killer halter top, and slumping her lady-lump into rhinestone-decaled jeans, she decided in order to declare her orgasmic mack-mackin’ love o’ America, she would stop at nothing -- even if it came to a good, dirty mud wrestle with Pam Anderson.

So, rather than locking her door and sitting under the sheets with smutty issues of TIME, Newsweek and Life, she rolled out to DA’ CLUBZ, did some body shots wit’ DA’ BOYZ, made out with a few chicks (...for attention... yeah, attention...), and awoke next morning on a street corner, naked and alone.

Her hair smelled of vomit.

Vowing never to shake her most generously-endowed groove thing again, Reno resigned herself to the I’ll-love-you-from-afar existence of the intellectual elite, resulting in this subtle mix CD. A tribute to a love she’ll never have.

Reno took two years to compile this American tribute mix, a 3CD, 50-song compilation, to be released September 18 (Three Tigers), including tracks from Andrew Bird, Danielson, Devendra Banhart, and John Mellencamp. Seriously.

Bigger Boobs=Happiness, I Wanted This Land To Be My Land, You Are Beautiful In Every Single Way, America:

Earl Bullhead - "Lakota Dream Song"

Julie Lee - "Once More Our God Vouchesafe To Shine"

Blind Boys of Alabama - "Let Us Break Bread Together"

John Wesley Harding - "God Save the King"

Elizabeth Foster - "Young Ladies in Town"

Malcolm Holcombe - "The Old Woman Taught Wisdom"

Ed Pettersen - "The Liberty Song"

Harper Simon - "Yankee Doodle"

The Wilders - "Jefferson & Liberty"

Steven Kowalczyk-Santoro - "Hail Columbia"

Take 6 - "Star Spangled Banner"

Beth Nielsen Chapman - "Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child"

Freedy Johnston - "Peg and Awl"

BR549 - "Sweet Betsy From Pike"

Will Hill and Jehnean Day Washington - "Trail of Tears"

Minton Sparks and Pat Flynn - "Declaration of Sentiments"

Fisk Jubilee Singers - "Go Down Moses"

Mavericks [ft. Thad Cockrell] - "Dixie's Land"

Marah - "John Brown's Body"

Joanna Smith - "Battle Hymn of the Republic"

Janis Ian - "Johnny I Hardly Knew Ye"

Tim O'Brien - "Thousands Are Sailing to Amerikay"

Otis Gibbs - "The Farmer Is the Man"

Joni Harms - "Home on the Range"

Jake Shimabukuro - "Stars & Stripes Forever"

Jen Chapin - "Over There"

Andrew Bird - "How You Gonna Keep 'Em Down on the Farm"

Karen Parks - "Lift Every Voice and Sing"

Danielson - "Happy Days Are Here Again"

Andy Bey - "Brother Can You Spare a Dime?"

Jim Lauderdale - "Seven Cent Cotton and Forty Cent Meat"

Old Crow Medicine Show - "Deportee"

Suzy Bogguss - "Rosie the Riveter"

Folk Family Robinson (Black Crowes with Stan Robinson) - "Reuben James"

Scott Kempner - "Apache Tears"

Elizabeth Cook and the Grascals - "The Great Atomic Power"

Devendra Banhart - "Little Boxes"

The Del McCoury Band - "The Times They Are A-Changin'"

Kim Richey - "Get Together"

The Dynamites / Charles Walker - "Say It Loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud"

Ben Taylor - "Ohio"

Anthony David - "What's Going On"

Martha Wainwright - "I Am Woman"

Matthew Ryan - "Youngstown"

Bettye LaVette - "Streets of Philadelphia"

Gary Heffern / Chris Eckman - "Wave"

Shortee - "The Message"

Judith Edelman / Neilson Hubbard - "Sleep, My Child (Schlof Mayn Kind)"

The Wrights - "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning"

John Mellencamp - "This Land Is Your Land"

Super Furry Animals Back Soon with New LP and Summer Tourdates; Saskatchewan Fencing Association Still Upset at Having to Share Its Initials with Rock Group but Enjoying Rash of Stray Website Hits from Drunk Googlers

Hey Venus!, Super Furry Animals’ eighth proper studio album, will be released August 27 via Rough Trade. The “Show Your Hand” single will be out a fortnight earlier, on August 13. Here is the trackli--.... wait, hold on a sec... is one of the songs below seriously called “Baby Ate My Eight Ball”? Surely the best song title ever! You can have your “Every Time I Eat Vegetables It Makes Me Think of You,” your “Russian Berries but You’re Quiet Tonight,” your “Mama Get the Hammer (There’s a Fly on Papa’s Head),” and the entire Fall catalogue, but “Baby Ate My Eight Ball” is better. Given these Welsh eccentrics penchant for perfect pop, folk, psych, and even cod-techno, it will most likely be the best sounding song ever too, until the next one at least.

Hey song titles!

1. The Gateway Song
2. Runaway
3. Show Your Hand
4. The Gift
5. Neo Consumer
6. Into the Night
7. Baby Ate My Eight Ball
8. Carbon Dating
9. Suckers
10. Battersea Odyssey

Team SFA will be playing shows this summer, most likely with its unique surround sound system in tow, but probably not with its blue and pink tank along for the ride; maybe with a continent of stage dancing fuzzy yetis and definitely packing a back catalogue that reeks of consistency and class and that puts most drippy, flat band outputs to shame. Tourdates:
07.13.07 - Kent, England - Lounge on the Farm
07.14.07 - Coventry, England - Godiva Festival
07.21.07 - London, England/Dublin, Ireland - Lovebox Festival
08.25.07 - Cardiff, Wales - Cooper’s Field, Get Loaded in the Park
08.31.07 - Glasgow, Scotland - Connect Festival
09.02.07 - Jersey, England - Jersey Live
09.15.07 - Derbyshire, England - End of the Road Festival
11.23.07 - Burnham-on-Sea, England - Tunnel Vision Festival

Wales is very infrequently referred to as “the Jamaica of the British Isles.” That's all about to change, because Guto Pryce, dub loving bassist with Welsh national treasures Super Furry Animals, is the latest to have the honor of handpicking tracks from the Trojan Records vaults for release as Furry Selection. “Jamaican music looks forward, dub is ageless because it sounds like nothing else,” says Pryce. “The music that came from Jamaica in the late 60’s and early 70’s is some of the best I’ve ever heard, from anywhere in the world. You can’t believe how lucky I feel to plough through Trojan’s huge catalogue and choose my favourite tracks.” And we are lucky too, because we get to hear yet another musician’s take on the Trojan legacy, and that is never a bad thing. Furry Selection: Luxury Cuts of Trojan by a Super Furry Animal is out now. Here is what Guto chose:

1. Horace Andy - “Skylarking”
2. Lee 'Scratch' Perry - “Curly Locks”
3. Mikey Dread - “Dread Combination”
4. Leo Graham & The Upsetters - “Flashing Echo”
5. Augustus Pablo - “Vibrate Onn”
6. Keith Hudson - “Darkest Night On A Wet Looking Road”
7. Linval Thompson - “Jamaican Colley (version)”
8. U-Roy - “Penny For Your Dub”
9. Tenor Saw - “Ring The Alarm”
10. Leroy Smart & The Aggrovators - “Channel One Feel It”
11. Susan Cadogan - “Do It Baby”
12. The Upsetters - “23rd Dub”
13. Rupie Edwards - “Free The Weed”
14. Bob Marley & The Wailers - “Kaya”
15. Cornell Campbell - “Girl Of My Dreams”
16. Junior Byles - “The Long Way”

IN-D-A, IN-D-A, IN-D-A; Digital Sales Surpass Physical Sales in IN-D-A

I never really bought into that whole U.S. Empire business. Sure, its clear that the United States has always wanted to be an empire, but it was just too lazy to get off its saturated fat ass to actually make it happen. How can a country with a military budget of $439,000,000,000.00 lose a war to Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan? That's the worst empire I've ever heard of.

India, on the other hand, they've got a shot. They've got the numbers, soon they'll have the cash, and they already got the bomb. The earliest signs are already emerging -– okay, it's not the earliest sign, but I think it's important -– as the tech-savvy Indians become the first country in the world to have digital music sales outreach the old-fashioned physical purchases. Not only has the Indian population embraced digital music far more readily than us North Americans, they are also way beyond us in the technology they use to get it. While you're waiting 30 minutes on a DSL line to grab the new Shellac, they're waiting seconds to have it transferred directly to their cell phones.

So, ask your grandma about the finer techniques of the duck 'n' roll, and get ready to use it. The Indians are a force to be reckoned with, and if we look at their ability to embrace technology compared to ours, we're in trouble. The nukes could be homed in on Washington as we speak. Oh but wait... they wouldn't do that, we're the only assholes prepared to blow up the earth –- or space, if Putin will ease up after his and Bush's fishing trip -– for no apparent reason. They'll just pull the old colonial switcheroo, as the American music industry becomes the salt mines of the Indian Raj, and we all cower in the face of the new India-Nokian Empire.

Outback Steakhouse Penis Outback Steakhouse Penis Outback Steakhouse Penis; Of Montreal Tour

I defer to the YouTube comments for Of Montreal's single "Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse":

- It's fucking brilliant! you lot have no grasp of the surreal! Go back to your grey offices and do some number crunching! -Monkeyslash

- i hate commenting but i have to this kevin person must be the gayest guy in the world -fermata40

- OK THIS IS REALLY SILLY AND STUPID! BUT I LOVE MY MOM AND I DONT WANT HER TO DIE OKAY!?

If you do not copy and paste this onto 10 videos your mom will die in 4 hours -Thewaterofthepool

- Possibly the gayest band in Human history!!!!!! -tigasexy06


- Well, is to indie...Like I told you, I am more alternative-rock-experimental... I do like Indie but this is to much for me...maybe Eric is the one that likes them... -bremex

- its David bowie dancing with a bear head on!!!