I swear this was one of those stories I thought would be cool to write. Then I realized it was about as cool as "Bazooka Joe Raps." We are normally much more prompt in reporting crooks getting their comeuppance, but it still gives us a lot of pleasure to report that a federal grand jury in Phoenix has handed down a 33-count indictment against nine people, including Dallas-based CBS Radio executive vice president Brian Ongaro. Ongaro snagged about $750,000 for his part in an elaborate scheme that involved getting people to invest in CORF Licensing Services (CLS), which issued licenses to investors establishing outpatient rehabilitation and massage therapy centers. The charges are for conspiracy, mail fraud, and money laundering. Our three faves. Don't executives go to business schools primarily to be well-versed in hiding funds gained illegally? Isn't it safer to just go with anonymously calling the elderly to ask them for their credit card and social security numbers?
I know what you're thinking: "This TMT douche won't be able to explain it as concisely as a FBI Special Agent in Charge could," right? FBISAiC John Lewis outlines the grift for us simpletons!
"The defendants' scheme to defraud was ongoing, and took in 40 million dollars. They solicited new licensees through ads, the internet, seminars, statements, and use of paid referrals, knowingly and intentionally misrepresenting the quality of their company, CLS's services, by understating the costs and risks associated with establishing a CORF, including patient activity, potential income and profit." He mentioned "the internet" in there somewhere. So this is basically like The Net?
Being the professional journalist that I am, I asked CBS affiliate KOCK's morning show host DJ Danny "the Panda" Anderson for a comment. He shook his head and said, "Gahd dammit! When are those high-rollin' galouts gonna wake up and stop their crazy shenanigans? Can't e'ryone just have fun and drink some Busch and look at girls in bikinis for kicks? Wait until my partner "Rollplaying Ron" here's about this one, hyuk, hyuk... "
"Digger" McQuade, one half of the KSTD's "Digger" McQuade & The Amateur Erotic Fanfic Cover Illustrator Morning Drive-Time Bonanza, had this to say: "Well, I don’t know what Freddy Fleaballs [he means FBI Special Agent Lewis] was talking about, but sakes alive man! We still haven't got a 'caller to holler' for tickets to the "Nephews of Blue-Collar Comedians" Boatcruise we're puttin' on down at the lake [Sanderson's Quarry]!"
The only thing left to ask is, "Why is this getting written about in TMT's news section?" Well, it does have a tangential music/radio connection. You also got to read a story with the word "galouts" in it. And it's fun to hear about sleazebags getting their just desserts, isn't it? You know, that actually wasn't so painful to sit through and write. Maybe if I was wrong about this story, I'm wrong about the new-fangled Bazooka Joe comics too?
"I'm Bazooka Joe and I'm
while I'm in or out of school.
My girlfriend Zena thinks
I dig her, too! So glad
"I like to play a trick or joke
and jive some unsuspecting
It's good to laugh,
so be our guest.
Join the Bazooka
Nope. That's still garbage.