Universal assimilates EMI’s entire recorded music division; resistance is futile!

Universal assimilates EMI's entire recorded music division; resistance is futile!

Like a fat (really fat) person eating an entire buffet, mega-conglomorate Universal Music Group (UMG) has completed their acquisition of EMI’s recorded music division, thus making it an unstoppable musical juggeranaut that will soon be so large that it will need a motorized scooter to move from place to place.

To give you an idea of just how incredibly fucking large UMG is now, here are a list of the labels that they now control after the merger: Blue Note, Capitol Records, Decca, Def Jam Recordings, Deutsche Grammophon, EMI Records, Geffen Records, Interscope Records, Island Records, Capitol Records Nashville, Mercury Records, Motown Records, Polydor Records, Universal Music Latino, Universal Music Nashville, Virgin Records, and Verve Music Group. That’s, like, at least 50 percent of all the music in the world. Controlled by one company; and you think you’re going to make headway with your indie label? Again, resistance is futile; you will be assimilated, eventually.

“This is a next step towards ensuring the health of our industry,” said UMG chairman and CEO Lucian Grainge. “EMI is finally returning to people who have music in their blood. We are acquiring incredible labels and a roster of stellar talent, including top-selling artists like Katy Perry, Lady Antebellum, The Beatles and The Beach Boys. We remain true to our vision of investing in EMI, growing the company as a vibrant source of new music, offering consumers more choice and supporting the growth of online music services.”

Grange also added that he enjoys the fact that consumers believe they are deciding between two competing companies and then returned to watching the rat maze he has in the office, the one with no exit and walls that slowly close in.

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