Wilco to Tour, This Story to Write Itself

Okay, Wilco tour news story: I don't like you, and you don't like me. But let's just do this thing, so I can go get some food finally and YOU can inform the dear readers about Jeff Tweedy and co.'s spring jaunt across the U.S., Canada, and Australia in support of the very spring-like Sky Blue Sky (TMT Review).

What's that? You're telling me that they've already stared the tour? Oh man, let's step on it here...

What's that?? You say that we have to also talk about how Wilco are rumored to be headlining this year's Lollapalooza along with the “self-released-record-club” that is Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails?

Fine, fine. I guess we can stick that in there somewhere. Let's move, move, move!

What's that??? You say that Jeff Tweedy is looking pretty fat these days?!?

Now that's just plain mean...

Dates, cities, state abbreviations, and venues:

Pre-sale, anyone? You know those Missoula Montana tickets are gonna go like hotcakes!!

Mmmmm... speaking of hotcakes...

Wilco to Tour, This Story to Write Itself

Okay, Wilco tour news story: I don't like you, and you don't like me. But let's just do this thing, so I can go get some food finally and YOU can inform the dear readers about Jeff Tweedy and co.'s spring jaunt across the U.S., Canada, and Australia in support of the very spring-like Sky Blue Sky (TMT Review).

What's that? You're telling me that they've already stared the tour? Oh man, let's step on it here...

What's that?? You say that we have to also talk about how Wilco are rumored to be headlining this year's Lollapalooza along with the “self-released-record-club” that is Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails?

Fine, fine. I guess we can stick that in there somewhere. Let's move, move, move!

What's that??? You say that Jeff Tweedy is looking pretty fat these days?!?

Now that's just plain mean...

Dates, cities, state abbreviations, and venues:

Pre-sale, anyone? You know those Missoula Montana tickets are gonna go like hotcakes!!

Mmmmm... speaking of hotcakes...

These Are Powers To Release New EP, Tourdates, Genre; Still Available To Play Deathday Parties

When you invent your own genre, it's difficult to transcend said genre, as it is defined by whatever music you play. These Are Powers are the only "ghost punk" band I've ever heard of (except for that band of ghosts from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets who all play the saw). And yet, they still manage to expand into the lesser-known subgenres of "cough punk" and "squeal punk" on their new EP, Taro Tarot, out April 1 on HOSS. These genres are so obscure that they don't even have Wikipedia pages, because they have not yet received enough press to meet Wikipedia's notability standards. Well guess what? I am the media. And I just made them notable.

These Are Powers have recently finished playing four ghostly/coughy/squealy punk shows for hip businesspeople at SXSW looking for that "new sound." With any luck, they'll get picked up by a major label, who will laud them as "the future of alternative rock" or maybe even "the next Jet." This week, they finish off their U.S. tour with scattered dates scheduled for later (including a release party at New York's Knitting Factory), occasionally accompanied by Skeletons, Extra Life, Sightings, and maybe some other bands that sound like they might consist entirely of ghosts.

I feel like I should let you know that I considered making a joke about The Ramones being a ghost punk band, because some of them are dead. But then I decided the joke would be in poor taste. But then I decided that I value honesty. So, now you know that I thought of a joke in poor taste. Alas, it is not my discretion that is faulty, but my thought process. I should stop before I dig myself any deeper, because I might get buried alive and come back to haunt obscure bands. Or I could come back and start a ghost punk band. YES! FULL CIRCLE, BITCHES!

Taro Tarot tracklisting:

FCC Brings Broadcast Indecency to the Supreme Court, Encourages Networks to Foretell the Future

For the first time in 30 years, the FCC has decided to examine what's naughty and what's nice -- in other words, revisiting the standards for what constitutes an "indecent" broadcast. Sparked by Bono's ill-fated F-bomb on the 2003 Golden Globe Awards and Janet Jackson's, um, flash in the pan during the Super Bowl, the FCC cracked down in 2004 and slapped NBC and Fox respectively with hefty fines, promising to do the same to all other offenders in the future. This includes any accidental airings of curses or other no-nos, which means Courtney Love should probably never be on TV again. "No bueno," said the networks, and after suing to block the new process, a New York judge ruled that the institution of such fines should be hung up until a further decision was reached.

The FCC, however, is determined to shield our virgin ears and eyes, bringing the case to the Supreme Court. Chairman Kevin Martin is stoked: "The Commission, Congress and, most importantly, parents understand that protecting our children is our greatest responsibility. I continue to believe we have an obligation then to enforce laws restricting indecent language on television and radio when children are in the audience." TV networks already use a 5-second delay for live broadcasts, and most radio stations use a similar such animal to avoid the airing of potty words, but that's not good enough for the FCC, who have decided that, from now on, everyone needs to ask Zandar and anticipate these sorts of things. Yes, they've got that kind of faith.

I applaud the FCC's noble crusade to clean up these filthy, nasty airwaves! Imagine a world without indecency... Hey, wait. Why is VH1 just showing a test pattern? I want my wholesome girls-in-bikinis-climbing-all-over-washed-up-rock-stars programming back! Sure, there's innuendo and sexism galore, but all bad words are bleeped out... and that's a real family show right there.

Not Sure If Anyone Has Reported This Yet, But The Raconteurs Are Releasing Their New LP Next Tuesday

In the spirit of the quick turn-around between the completion and actual release of the new Raconteurs album, here is a short news story (because we, as a race -- the human race -- don't have time to wait for a finished record, and we don't have time for long news stories):

The LP is called Counselors of the Lonely (Third Man/XL/Warner), and it comes out March 25 on CD, LP, and digital formats, like the single 320kb MP3 posted on the band's website. They're also going on a short Western U.S. (with a little dip into Canada) tour, including a two-day stint at Stubb's BBQ, which I am sure is more prestigious than it sounds.

For my final act, I will now paint you a word picture using the list of all the words that were capitalized in Brendan, Jack, Patrick, and Jack's press release: EVERYWHERE, EVERY FORMAT AT ONCE, EXACT SAME TIME, THEN, FOR YOU, IMMEDIATELY, NOT, REACTION.

Consolers of the Lonely tracklist: