Willowz Cracking Down on Promo-CD Freeloaders; Not Coincidentally, Skulls Will be Cracked

Willowz: [adopting the accent and tone of Paulie ‘Walnuts’ Gualtieri, from The Sopranos] Heyyyy Grant, how are ya sport! Nice eyelineah, Nancy boiiii! Say, you reviewed our new CD yet?

Grant: What? I--... no.

Willowz: Curious. We sent yas the CD eight montts ago!

Grant: I know, I know. Actually, I’m kind of relieved to see you because I’ve been meaning to tell you that I dig Chataqua a lot, seriously.

Willowz: Tanks. I wish it didn’t require a ‘seriously,’ but tanks.

Grant: I’m just sayin’ you know, in case you thought I was dodgin’ ya. [laughs nervously]

Willowz: Oh, and what would give us that idea? [punches Grant straight in the gravy basket, cracks him on the face with a roundhouse left, then gives our beleaguered reporter a toe-punch to the stomach] Fackin’ deadbeat.

Grant: I’m-sorry I’m-sorry, look, maybe I can write a news story [cough, gasp] or... I dunno, recommend it to my [spit bloody loogy]... friends.

Willowz: Yeah, ye’re gonna recommend it tah yah friends AN relatives [another kick, more gentle this time, which I appreciate], am I making myself cleah? Othahwise I scoop out ya eyes like a coupla pitted olives I’d find in a nice antipaste... you know, ‘cause I like ta eat. You’ve seen my show.

Grant: Yes, you could even say I’ve borrowed ideas from the show quite a bit. And yes sir, I’ll get right on that. I won’t come up short next time... in fact, how about this; next time I review a Willowz CD, I’ll add two points.

Willowz: Tree!

Grant: That I can’t do.

Willowz: G, I’ms askin’ you ta reconsidah!

Grant: Well, ok. Now, I’m off to pick up some mozzarella...

Willowz: Woah-ho-ho Ernhawt, slow down, ain’t you forgettin’ somethin’? I mean, you’s gonna mention da’ touah too, right?

Grant: The... wha--.... the what?

Willowz: THE TOUAH, THE TOUAH... the TOUah.

Grant: Oh right. But how will I write a Tour News story without everyone knowing that a well-known gangster stereotype has coerced me into it?

Willowz: I’m sure you’ll think a somethin’. Fackin’ deadbeat.

And so it goes:

* w/ The Detroit Cobras

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