Wooden Wand, Don’t Hurt ‘Em (There, I Told You I Could Write the Most Irrational Title for a Wooden Wand News Story Ever)

Sometimes speculation is all we have. For example, we know little about the man known as Wooden Wand. We do know that he releases just about everything he puts on tape under a bunch of shifting stage names with a load of helping henchmen and women. We can listen to his songs that head trip a variety of philosophical and political persuasions and straddle traditional and non-so-traditional sounds. But the rest of the story is lost in obscurely pieced-together background bios full of strange road stories and faux-mysticism. What do we really know about the prolific and reflective Wooden Wand? Does he put his pants on just like the rest of us? Does he believe in pants? Does he strictly wear low-rise jodhpurs or chaps? We need our hard facts!

Now, I normally wouldn't merely reprint press release info, but parts of a recent WW fac-sheet outlining "10 Misconceptions and Things You Didn't Know About Wooden Wand" bare repeating (and it fleshes out my bone-thin news story, right eds?). Among the revelations are the facts that he prefers Tennessee to New York, Steely Dan to Pink Floyd, and tequila to bourbon (at least at this point in his life). There are also the following:

07. He is an avid gun enthusiast, and and is a life member of both the National Rifle Association and Gun Owners of America.*
04. His extended family includes late actor Vincent Gardenia, Chicago Cubs general manager (and former Met) Ed Lynch, "Desperate Housewives"' Andrea Bowen, and Type-O Negative's Peter Steele.**
01. Scott Ian of Anthrax once lectured a 12-year-old Wand that he was "too young to be smoking joints." He was right (They totally got high together anyway).***

* Stop...you had us at "avid gun enthusiast."

** Oh yeah, yet another case of a relative to Tinseltown, television and Triple-A baseball royalty trying his hand at music (sorry Cubs fans, I couldn't resist... let's go Dodgers, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap...war-ning track po-wer, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap!!!).

*** The same thing happened to me, but it was "generic guitarist" from Canadian 8Ts metal band Exciter, and it was huffing solvent (we totally got brain damaged together anyway, but just a little).

Figuring out what makes our boy Wooden Wand tick is tougher than a 20x20x20 Rubik's Cube. Listening is only a little less taxing, but it's a whole lot more fun. One can only imagine what a live Wooden Wand show would be like; I won't have the pleasure because the bastard isn't playing anywhere near me! So unless I finally book that long-overdue fantasy trip to Eugene, Oregon, I will have to rely on word of mouth reports which will probably muddy the Wooden Wand myth even more. The tour includes some shows with Skygreen Leopards, many with Wand's wife (the "Voice" of The Vanishing Voice, Satya Sai), and a number with recent collaborators the Sky High Band (featuring members of both Skygreen Leopards and The Vanishing Voice, and Davenport). Now is the time to sing ye, from the wilds, from the hillsides, and from your heart because the tour has already started! And if I had sent this story in last week like I was supposed to, you could have gone to those first few dates crossed off below.

10.01.06 - New York, NY - Glassland Gallery *
10.02.06 - Cleveland, OH - The Church *
10.03.06 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle *

10.04.06 - Des Moines, IA - Vaudeville Mews *
10.05.06 - Denver, CO - Hi-Dive *
10.06.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - The Broken Record *
10.12.06 - Oakland, CA - 21Grand
10.13.06 - Sacramento, CA - Fools Foundation #$
10.14.06 - Davis, CA - Delta of Venus #$
10.15.06 - San Francisco, CA - Hemlock Tavern #$
10.16.06 - Eugene, OR - Cozmic Pizza #$
10.17.06 - Portland, OR - Someday Lounge #$
10.18.06 - Olympia, WA - 1320 5th Ave SW (early show)
10.18.06 - Seattle, WA - Gallery 1412 #$
10.19.06 - Nevada City, NV - National Hotel
10.20.06 - Big Sur, CA - Fernwood Lodge #$
10.21.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Palace Theatre %
10.22.06 - Phoenix, AZ - Modified Arts ^
10.23.06 - Albuquerque, NM - Atomic Cantina
10.25.06 - Austin, TX - Red's Scoot Inn ^
10.26.06 - Houston, TX - The Proletariat ^
10.27.06 - New Orleans, LA - Eldon's Place
10.28.06 - Nashville, TN - Ruby Green
10.29.06 - Knoxville, TN - The Pilot Light ^
10.30.06 - Chapel Hill, NC - Night Light ^
10.31.06 - Washington, DC - Rock and Roll Hotel ^
11.01.06 - Baltimore, MD - Golden West ^
11.02.06 - Philadelphia, PA - TriTone ^
11.03.06 - New York, NY - Mo Pitkins (CMJ Fanatic Promotion Acoustic Afternoon)
11.04.06 - Brooklyn, NY - Uncle Paulie's (Free Agency Showcase)
11.08.06 - New York, NY - Knitting Factory *
11.09.06 - Purchase, NY - Purchase College *
11.10.06 - Harrisonburg, VA - James Madision University *
11.11.06 - Roanoke, VA - Static house
12.10.06 - Somerset, England - ATP The Nightmare Before Christmas

* w/ Satya Sai
# West Coast Revue (featuring members of Sky High Band, the Vanishing Voice, and Skygreen Leopards
$ w/ Skygreen Leopards
% solo show at Arthur Nights
^ w/ Sky High Band

Bill Nguyen Consults With Super Friends at the Hall of Justice, Saves WOXY

WOXY has all kinds of good karma. It must be in the radio waves. Oh wait, I mean, the internet tubes. Or whatever. As you may remember, just two years ago, the Cincinnati-based station ceased its broadcast on the FM dial. A couple of anonymous investors stepped up to the plate in the 12th hour to launch what would become a popular online station. Well, just last month, it looked like WOXY would finally come to an end due to a lack of revenue. But days later, once again, there was a glimmer of hope — entrepreneur Bill Nguyen posted a message on the heavily trafficked WOXY message board about his desire to "save the station." While it was originally believed to be a cruel tease, within days, Nguyen was in Cincinnati where he met with WOXY staff members, anonymous investers, and many of the station's listeners.

According to the Cincinnati Enquirer, Nguyen's plan is to not only invest $5 to 10 million into WOXY in order to keep the station's headquarters in Cincinnati, but also to set up studios in San Francisco and other cities for live performances. Additionally, Nguyen intends to improve the quality of the broadcast and make it free for all listeners once again. He wants to give full editorial control to the station's DJs, as well as give listeners the chance to create their own radio shows that they can share with other listeners.

"What we want to do is give radio back to the listeners," The Cincinnati Enquirer quoted Nguyen.

If Nguyen's name sounds familiar, it should. He is behind LaLa.com, a fledgling online cd-trading service. The user-friendly service allows members to list CDs they have and CDs they want. Each CD sent to you off your "want list" costs you $1.75. Simple enough, eh? The site also recently launched a music store, which WOXY listeners will have access to, as well.

Witnesses of Nguyen's visit to Cincinnati remarked that he wore blue tights and a red cape. They figured it was probably best to just keep quiet about it, though. Afterall, he had no super powers. Just keen business sense and the bank to make things happen. Kinda like Batman.

My Morning Jacket Suitable For Fall Tour, Bring Scarf Just In Case

From The RCA Marketing Department:

Re: Brainstorm promo ideas for My Morning Jacket's just released double-disc live CD, Okonokos and forthcoming DVD, Okonokos, out October 31. (We must remember that these are two separate products).

- Put every CD (except MMJ) in wrong place at your local Big Box store
- Profile in Facial vs. Head Hair Magazine
- Fly a bunch of bloggers out to wine & dine them, then let them experience MMJ live in hi-tech theatre (the Zune effect)
- Get band own reality/prank show, titled MM Jack't
- Pizza party
- Give away free reverb with every purchase
- Make sure articles written about band contain sub-Cracked style jokes

- Fall Tour:

10.23.06 - San Francisco, CA - Palace of Fine Arts (Jim James solo) %
10.24.06 - San Francisco, CA - Palace of Fine Arts (Jim James solo) %
10.27.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Wilshire Ebell Theater (Jim James solo) %
10.28.06 - Santa Barbara, CA - Arlington Theater (Jim James solo) %
10.29.06 - Las Vegas, NV - Vegoose (Jim James solo) %
11.09.06 - Charleston, SC - The Plex *
11.10.06 - Knoxville, TN - Tennessee Theater *
11.12.06 - Atlanta, GA - The Tabernacle *
11.13.06 - Nashville, TN - Ryman Auditorium *
11.15.06 - New Orleans, LA - House Of Blues *
11.16.06 - Dallas, TX - Gypsy Tea Room *
11.17.06 - Dallas, TX - Gypsy Tea Room *
11.18.06 - Austin, TX - Stubb’s *
11.20.06 - St. Louis, MO - The Pageant *
11.21.06 - Milwaukee, WI - The Riverside *
11.22.06 - Louisville, KY - Louisville Gardens #
11.24.06 - Chicago, IL - Riviera Theater #
11.25.06 - Indianapolis, IN - Clowes Hall #
11.27.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club #
11.28.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club #
11.30.06 - New York, NY - Roseland Ballroom #
12.01.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Electric Factory #
12.02.06 - Boston, MA - Avalon Ballroom #

% w/ John Prine
* w/ Wax Fang
# w/ The Slip

Popfest! New England 2006 Totally Ripping Off Panic! At The Disco

Once, when I was a little child, I used to have terrible obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I couldn't wear any shirts with tags, I had to have long socks and have them pulled all the way up at all times, I wouldn't eat any types of cheese until I became a teenager, and I constantly winked one eye. The eye-winking twitch presented a unique problem.

I was really just a superficially confident, yet inwardly insecure high school student who loved talking to people, especially girls. But because of my twitch, any girl I tried talking to would immediately stop talking to me because they'd assume that I only wanted to get in their pants. I tried explaining, "It's not my fault, I swear! I have this tic where I have to wink one eye so that it catches up and feels like it is equal in amount of blinks with the other eye because I'm obsessive-compulsive!" But no one would listen. It was somewhat pitiful, actually. (It's not like I'm self-pitying or anything.) I only wanted to have lots of friends and just as many girls-who-are-friends. I didn't want to get into a relationship or anything because truthfully, the idea of a relationship with an attractive female is superior to the reality of said relationship. But girls didn't understand. They would try to fit me into their stereotype of what a horny teenage male was like. They assumed I wanted to use them to get off, but I was a sensitive boy with emotional needs. They didn't understand that simply romanticizing what an intimate relationship would be like was enough for me. Also, masturbating — preferably while imagining this emotionally complex, cherished, and hopelessly romantic connection with the girls who wouldn't be my friends.

In other news, Popfest! New England 2006 is taking place this year from Friday, October 6 to Sunday, October 8 in Northampton, MA. All shows are taking place at The Elevens, sadly a 21+ venue that won't let all you other hopelessly romantic teenage masturbators in the door. A one-day pass will cost you $10, while a three-day pass will cost, surprisingly, $30. Wow. A total of 26 cutesy, loving twee, cuddlecore, dancelove, artkiss, pre-fuck, post-relationship bands will help you get over your dating woes and social awkwardness in a weekend of pure joy.

LINE-UP!:

Friday, October 6:

Ponies in the Surf

Beauty Sleep

Palomar

Spouse

My Teenage Stride

The Icicles

The Butterflies of Love

Saturday, October 7:

The L'il Hospital

School for the Dead

The Antiques

The Besties

The Smittens

Locas in Love

Dyrdin

Human Television

Sunday, October 8 (4 PM Afternoon Show):

The Sawtelles

Polar Bear Parade

Panda Riot

Surefire Broadcast

Sunday, October 8 (Evening Show):

Hands and Knees

The Specific Heats

The Brother Kite

Bunnygrunt

Math and Physics Club

The Snow Fairies

Secret Shine

Flaming Lips Re-Release At War With the Mystics With a Bonus DVD; Don’t They Know They’re Killing Music By Adding Images? What’s Next, Concerts With Movie Screens?

I know I’ve got my work cut out for me if I’m gonna defend this year's Flaming Lips album, At War With the Mystics [TMT Review] in any way, shape, or form, but hey, I’m a wild and crazy girl! I got in a few tangles over this disc, but I stand my ground: “Vein of Stars” is a silvery little piece of heaven and when these jams aren’t making me do a little Steve Zissou dance, they’re knocking me flat with their spaced-out beauty. Hey! Stop saying how much it sucks! Every time you state your case, the more I'll punch you in the face!

So, here’s the part where you make pretty and sit nervously in your pink bedroom. Yes sir, the Lips are puckering up, politely ringing the doorbell, and presenting you with a jacked-up edition of At War With the Mystics. Not only do they hold the door for you, but they slip you sweet outtakes like "Why Does It End?," "You've Got To Hold On," "Your Face Can Tell the Future," "The Gold in the Mountain of Our Madness," "Time Travel?? Yes!!" and a cover of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody." Okay, you’re totally crushin’ by now, but what if they throw in some live radio tracks, like a mashup of Sonic Youth's "Unmade Bed" and Led Zeppelin's "No Quarter”? Oh baby, it’s on.

Throw in a DVD disc of music videos and a clip of Wayne Coyne’s 2006 commencement address for his former high school, and you’ll be out for ice cream sodas in no time. Yes, you’re in love now (as you rightfully should be) and no, you don’t need to thank me. Just send me flowers of gratitude on October 24.

Futureheads Fall Tour Update

Using words from a statement posted on the band's website, I will try to convey a secret message to the masses.1

Tendonitis

On2

United States of America

Rest

Can see3

Apologies

Next given opportunity

Cancel

Enable4

Left wrist

Late stage

Edyh, yarrb5, 6

Development

1. Kind of gimmicky, I know.
2. Man, I am already stretching, and I'm only on the second letter
3. They all can't make sense.
4. Weak!
5. Has Tendonitis and the tour is cancelled.
6. Inverted names, double weak!!

Fall Tour 2006:

10.04.06 - Seattle, WA - Neumos
10.05.06 - Portland, OR - Wonder Ballroom
10.06.06: -Sacramento, CA - Harlow’s Night Club
10.07.06 - San Francisco, CA - Mezzanine
10.09.06 - San Diego - House of Blues
10.11.06 - Los Angeles - Safari Sam’s (Check Yo Ponytail)
10.12.06 - Tempe, AZ - The Clubhouse
10.13.06 - Las Vegas, NV - Beauty Barr
10.14.06 - Tucson, AZ - Rialto Theater
10.17.06 - Tulsa, OK - Bob’s (Cain’s Ballroom)
10.18.06 - Lawrence, KS - The Bottleneck
10.19.06 - St. Louis, MO - Mississippi Nights
10.21.06 - Chicago, IL - Metro
10.22.06 - Cincinnati, OH - 20th Century Theater
10.23.06 - Indianapolis, IN - Birdy’s
10.24.06 - Nashville, TN - Exit/In
10.26.06 - Baltimore, MD - Sonar
10.27.06 - Brooklyn, NY - Warsaw
10.28.06 - Boston, MA - Paradise Rock Club

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