Gibbard, His Shins, That Spoon You Ate Your Animal Collectivities With This Morning Are All on A Darfur Benefit Comp Together
By Scout Leader Kyle on Oct 12 2007
If we had a contest for lamest headline, I bet I'd win. I mean, is that headline even grammatically correct? P? Is it?
Waxploitation have decided to do a Darfur benefit comp featuring rare and EXCLUSIVE tracks from Death Cab for Cutie, The Shins, Animal Collective, Spoon, Bright Eyes, The Cure, Bloc Party, The Black Keys, and more.
Now children, we all know about the Darfur conflict right? Well, click here if you want to read up.
Back? Good, now hopefully that convinced you to support this cause even more than simply the prospect of Ben Gibbard's nuts touching your copy of the comp. Of course, who doesn't love a little Ben Gibbard nut stank? Hell, have you seen his new website!? I hope he posts some nudes soon!
Anyway, the benefit comp is called Causes 1, and it comes out November 27 on iTunes for 90 days. Waxploitation is also releasing a limited-edition CD version, which will be available here.
Here are the trax, not in their final order:
Bob Mould Signs to Anti-, The Label “On Which the New Album Will Be Released”
By Mango Starr on Oct 12 2007
I had a conversation with a friend this morning that went like this:
DUDE, GUESS WHAT?! (What?) Bob Mould is releasing a new album! (No way!) Yeah man! It's called District Line... (WHEN!?!) I was just about to tell you, until you interrupted. (Oh, whoops. Sorry.) It will be released on February 5, 2008. (Holy holy shit! But Mango, my friend, which label will it be released on?) You mean, "on which label will it be released?" (What do you mean?) Well, you shouldn't end sentences with prepositions. So, just stick "on" before "which." Try saying it again. (Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about.) That's because you're not a journalist. (I don't want to be.) Yeah you do. (How do you know?) Because everyone wants to be a journalist. We're awesome. So, say the sentence again, motherfucker. (So you call what you're doing on TMT "journalism"?) Yeah, so? (You people can't write worth shit. It's a bunch of wasted time, if you ask me. I like my news straight and to the point. You have like five fucking paragraphs about boners before one word about the artist which you're writing on.) There you go again. (What do you mean?) You meant "the artist on which you're writing." Say it correctly. (Oh, fuck off.)
What a tool, am I right readers? Anyway, Anti- is the label that District Line "will be released on." Pffffffffft. Fucking ridiculous.
Buck 65 to Tour, Sage Francis to Buy Him a Puppy
By AJ Pacitti on Oct 12 2007
In order to promote his upcoming full-length, Situation, scheduled for release October 30 on Strange Famous Records, Buck 65 has slotted some krrrazzzzzzy tourdates, mmmhmmm.
With Situation, Buck 65 chronicles events in 1957, some leading to the creation of an American underground. For example:
January 3: Hamilton Watch Company releases the first electronic watch
March 1: The Cat in the Hat is published
Kerouac has nothing on Doctahhh Seuss and Wikipedia; Buck 65 Tourdates:
# Sage Francis (release party)
Chin Up Chin Up to Tour: Me To Start Going to the Gym, Beating Up Aaron Carter for Beating Shaq
By AJ Pacitti on Oct 12 2007
The time is now, reader baby. Our jeans could maybe get a little slimmer.
Chin Up Chin Up is touring with The Ponys, and I say, before lacing up our fancy kicks, ruffling our enviable hairdos, and high-tailing it to a venue near us:
I’m talking chin-ups. So many chin-ups.
Not a joke.
Think back, reader baby. Remember gym class? Chin-ups on the grimy bar all the other 5th graders had gripped with their sweaty and clammy hands so your own (sweaty and clammy hands) would lose grip as your youthful chin pulled on up?
In elementary school, I could hold my chin up on that bar for, like, a good 11.5 seconds.
Now, reader baby sweetheart, I’d be lucky if I had enough upper body strength to:
1. Push a shopping cart into a stack of magazines down Aisle 5 with my oh-so-precious one and only lover, while understanding the difference between Miles and Coltrane, wearing grey sweatpants and no makeup, and being so perfect in the eyes of said lover
2. Give a good-old-fashioned hot n’ sudsy shampoo to Bret Michaels followed by a nimble-fingered French-braid
3. Beat Ananda Lewis in a bitch-slap
4. Grab a chocolate pie off of a windowsill faster than hungy-hungry Raven Simone*
5. Hold myself on a breaking tree branch over a lagoon of Jello made from Steven Tyler’s sweat
6. Balance the small, malnourished kid from Little Giants on my shoulders after the big win
7. Balance Rick Moranis’ character in Little Giants on my shoulders after the big win
8. Balance Rick Moranis’ shrunken-kids on my shoulders after (some yet-to-be identified) Honey, I Shrunk the Kids big win
9. Rub Conor O’s biceps down with IcyHot while suspended from a bungee cord
10. Carry groceries across the street for little old women
11. Save puppies
12. RAISE DA’ ROOF
14. Hand dance to “I think We’re Alone Now”
15. Arm wrestle Tiffany “New York” for a shot at a lick-happy make-out sesh with bumptious but loveable softy Chance
16. Slam dunk a b-ball with Aaron Carter and Shaq (as chronicled in “That’s How I Beat Shaq”)
17. Be jacked enough to be invited to “Aaron’s Party”
18. Or break up a fight at Aaron’s Party
19. And respond to the call of duty and alert Aaron that his parents have (OMFG) arrived
20. Oh My God, LIKE WTF, AARON
21. I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING WHY WOULD THEY COME HOME SO EARLY, AC?
22. I thought Nick said he’d cover you
23. Or is he too busy macking that 13-year-old
24. Yeah, he is
25. DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT THEY HAVEN’T SEEN AUNT JANE IN FOREVER
26. GREAT NOW NICK IS LEAVING WITH HOWIE D., SOME BROTHER
27. NOW SHAQ’S GOING TO GET NAILED FOR SUPPLING DA’ DRINK
28. KAZAAM IS KA-OVER
29. THANKS TO YOU, YOU DIRTY FRENEMY
30. I BET YOU DIDN’T EVEN BEAT SHAQ
Obviously, chin-ups would do so much good.
Boom, I put it in the Hoop Like Slam; Chin Up Chin Up Tourdates:
# The Thermals
$ The Ponys
*But to be fair, who could?