Marley Family to Sue Verizon and Universal, You Sleep Beside Me, I Am on a Train Leaving You as You Read This

Dear Reader, Baby, Sweetheart,

By the time you'll have read this, I'll be gone.

I left at daybreak.

You see, something happened last night, baby. You were sleeping so soundly, and I didn't want to wake you. Your pretty, indie face on the pillow, smiling to yourself. Sugar plums were, like, dancing in your head. You slept, reader baby, and I stared at the ceiling. Wide awake. Contemplating spending the rest of my life with you. I was going to ask you to marry me. But it didn't feel right.

There's God, and love, and this insane force inside of you. The light attaches to you, always.

Reader baby, know this: you're beautiful, and the thing is, I don't know who I am anymore. Something happened.

This happened:

In a landmark defiance of EVERYTHING, I am of a similar viewpoint as a Marley fan. And not just any fan. The Marley family and I are in agreement. Apparently, the Marley family's Fifty Six Hope Road Music Ltd aims to sue both Verizon Wireless and Universal Music Group based on Verizon's try for use of Marley songs as ringtones.

I am siding with the Marleys.

I must confess, though, that I side with the Marleys out of personal interest. You see, reader baby, I'm still in college, and these ringtones may ruin my life. As in:

1. I don't want to hear "Buffalo Soldier" ringing as my fellow COLLEGE KIDZ! make the nightly booty call;
2. I don't want to hear "Buffalo Soldier" on the street;
3. Or by way of an accidental ring ring ring ring in class;
4. At Planned Parenthood;
5. While buying weed,
6. And 100000000000000000000000 puppies,
7. And 343049039403940349 kittens,
8. Or, really, ever.

...

Yes, I side with the Marleys for the sole purpose of killing off any possibility for me to hear a Bob Marley song, ever. Still, reader baby, I can't live with myself knowing that my support of the Marleys, though grossly unintentional, is still, in essence, some support.

You're just too damn good for me.

Goodbye, reader baby. I will love and miss you. Don't try to contact me.

Really, you're beautiful.

Yours,

AJ

Black Dice’s Real Name Is Harold Elwin Dice, Tour

New York, NY (OPENPRESS) May 24, 2005 -- Aruntx Podcasting Syndication Network wants you to know Tuesday 05/24 Is Black Dice Day, declared by Alabama Governor Bob Riley. Governor Riley is encouraging all Alabamians to support and vote for Black Dice as he competes to be the next American Idol. “Our state is truly blessed with many talented people, and I am proud that Bo has made it to the finals," Riley said in a recent interview. Black Dice, 29, of the group "Sugar Money" is a resident of Helena Alabama, a long-time member of GarageBand.com, Discovering The Best Independent Music, and is a finalist of the Fox Television Show American Idol. Aruntx Podcast Reminds You "Tuesday Is Black Dice Day," VOTE FOR BO. Watch American Idol on FOX Television 05/24 8:00 EST - 7:00 C. Aruntx Podcasting Syndication is a venue of contemporary cultural news and entertainment syndication with social sensitivity and moral justification, presenting an Aruntx Radio Show Special today, about American Idol finalist Black Dice and "Sugar Money," in celebration of "Tuesday is Black Dice Day".

Once upon a time, oh gorgeously naïve TMT reader, the world was beautiful. Our ruler was of divine right, with a quest to make experimental pop jams -- not only for the cavalier enjoyment of esoteric purple-frilled suit-wearing gents like himself, but for all in the village. That’s charity, folks.

LET IT BE KNOWN: When the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince ruled over this humble land, he did so with glowing amiability, fervor, and (creepily androgynous) love. None would dare question the good Prince’s charity. He hired peasant children as backup dancers and met weekly with the poor and lowly townspeople to shower them with lavish gifts -- loaves of bread, clean water, Bibles, harps, and the like. Then, he would ceremonially wash their feet.

That excellence passed on, though. Soon, milk and honey stopped flowing. YouTube, eBay, and The Pirate Bay diminished the profits of the Good Prince’s creative genius. As in, they were getting all up in his purple reign. Yea, I said it.

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH: Our favorite (a)sexy one has hired Web Sheriff, a Brit-based company hunting down internet piracy, to aide in his fight against internet companies supposedly promoting copyright violations.

According to Prince, he will “reclaim the Internet.”*

Al Gore** will be doing marketing/promotions for Prince’s reclaiming battle, who will split pillages of conquest, obviously to share with peasants, lowly townspeople, and fame’s close-but-no-cigar almost hottie Haylie Duff***, who works as a fellow at corporate headquarters to continue her grabbing-at-straws attempt to snag a helping of li'l sis Hil Duff’s piece of the pie.

Chin up, Haylie.

* ACTUALLY NOT A JOKE

** It could happen

*** It would happen

Chemical Brothers First Live Tour in Five Years; I Need To Hire A Fact-Checker

Recently, it dawned on my less-than-knowledgeable ass that for years I've been claiming (wrongly, of course) that Natasha Lyonne starred in the music video for "Setting Sun." And I don't mean like, two years. I'm talking a good five or six years, ever since I asked my grandmother (the only member of my immediate family to have cable) to tape MTV's 100 Greatest Music Videos for me. I became enthralled with the video's blase blonde subject, who we are probably supposed to interpret as being on some kind of escapist chemical (clever!) journey throughout the video. She's messy, with dyed strands of yellow hair in her face, staring intently at her cat/wall/TV/ashtray/anything else that could possibly be construed as signs of a vaguely shaky existence. Basically, she's perfect.

She is not, however, Natasha Lyonne.

Natasha Lyonne starred in 1999's gay indie flick But I'm A Cheerleader as a YOU-GUESSED-IT!, and went on to, uh, pretty much nothing except a smaller role in 2003's Party Monster and a major role in the gossip blogs when she trashed the apartment she rented from actor Michael Rapaport the same year.

I understand you may not possess the same wealth of information in your immediate memory as I do concerning Natasha Lyonne, but I have a soft spot for hot messes. I would now like to present you with the following images:

Eh? Eh?

Whatever, I'm embarrassed. The Chemical Brothers are touring. Here are some dates. I'm going to go find the VHS with videos #1-20 and have a pretentious debate with my girlfriend's cat, who I will stare at glassily with my newly dyed blonde hair covering my face.

Natasha Lyonne won't be there:

Shout It Out: Stain Removal and Black Lips Tour

Seeing the Black Lips live is a truly cathartic experience. Everybody has those days when they just reach their boiling point, wanting nothing more than to run around naked, flailing and spitting, screaming until your voice goes hoarse. Unfortunately for us, that behavior is not condoned by a) parents b) employers c) a significant others, or d) anyone. That is, of course, unless you count yourself among the members of Atlanta, Georgia's grittiest blues-punk band, who have been known to spill themselves on stage in a very literal sense. The barrage of bodily fluids, while potentially dangerous and slightly disgusting, is part of what makes the band's live experience legendary, adding both intimacy and an element of grimy lawlessness. Projectile liquids are indeed a very real possibility, if not a staple of the show. Truly a landmark in a concertgoer's career, there are still some things you should know before attending one of the dates on the upcoming Black Lips tour, mainly in the name of stain removal. Heed this guide:

Fluid: Spit

Method of Removal: This can be handled with a simple hand-wiping motion, especially if you're wearing denim jeans. Rub it in -- it'll dry right up.

Fluid: Sweat

Method of Removal: Again, a minor inconvenience. If you're behaving properly, you'll have some of your own, and they can just mix together. Will dry with fresh air.

Fluid: Semen

Method of Removal: Odds are, you've dealt with this before, so you probably have some tricks of your own. But if all else fails, try soda water and baking soda.

Fluid: Blood

Method of Removal: You're shit out of luck, but wear it as a badge. Make it into a souvenir: "I Saw Black Lips and All I Got Was This Gigantic Bloodstain!"

Weather the storm:

Gossip Cancel Their Fall Tour Because a Live Album Is More Important

The Gossip canceled their fall U.S. tour in light of a delay with the release of their live album and DVD, originally scheduled to be released November 16 on Columbia. Oh the irony.

That's all.

The TMT Classifieds:

Time-warped, hair metal band needs guitarist for elementary school gigs. Must be experienced in the art of pants stuffing, hair shellacking, and snorting Gold Bond Medicated Powder. Influences? Zep. Lep. Crue! If you shred like Yngwie Malmsteen and look like a gay Wolverine, drop Anüs Cream Pie a line! Laaaaaaaay-terz.

"Stuart Murdoch from Belle and Sebastian is looking for performers/singers to participate in a project called 'God Help the Girl' which he is currently developing. He is making an album of songs based around different voices, which will subsequently be put together to form the backbone of a musical film which he is writing."

Have Viagra. Need women. Any women between 18-80.

"Go here to read Stuart (Murdoch)'s full introduction to the project (described above). At present, he is looking for female singers to record the songs. They will represent the main characters in the film, but he is also looking for other singers to sing in supporting roles."

Hardest working bar(mitzvah) band in the biz needs violin, clarinet, tsimbl, and woodblock players, hora and halaka dancers, and a crusty Yiddish mensch to complete klezmer band. Preferably in time for the end of New Year celebrations tonight or in time to break the fast at Yom Kippur next week! Reply to Praise Challah and Pass the Manischewitz (Happy 5768, my brothers and sisters!).

"Members of Belle and Sebastian will be involved (in Stuart Murdoch's project described above) as the studio band for some of the recording, which will hopefully take place later this year. By following the links around this site, you will be able to listen to and record your own version of one of two songs which have been recorded so far (for Stuart Murdoch's project described above)."

One man band looking for second man band to play two-man band to play either Hindi ghazals and traditional Punjabi songs or crappy indie rock. I haven't decided yet.

"Have a look around and go here for full instructions on how to put yourself forward for one of the parts (in Stuart Murdoch's project described ab... oh shut the fuck up already!). Thanks for your interest & Good luck!"

Upright bassist needed for super successful band. Gigs, big salary, handjobs... Got your attention? We sell Nokia 8800 Sirocco phones, Nokia phones, iPods, games, GPS… Also wanted: unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. MUST HAVE VAN!

The Debate Over Punk Ends Here and Now; Jello Biafra on Tour

The term "punk" has been hotly debated for centuries. I originally compiled a list of quotes dating back to punk's birth in 1623 (the year the Avedis Zildjian Company began making cymbals at Constantinople), but I've always thought the more "contemporary" quotes were far more interesting. Below you will find my top 10 favorite contemporary quotes (in no order) about punk:

"I think punk rock, especially for me, was a big middle finger to this whole talent thing. That is, until I saw Blink-182 live. Man, they're super talented." - Mike Watt

"Punk was defined by an attitude rather than a musical style. But I disagree. I think it was just a bunch of power chords and some trite progressions with some snotty vocals on top. It was bullshit. So glad it's over." - David Byrne

"I was in a little punk band and we put out a few punk records that weren't very political, at all. Just kidding! They were super political, and we were actually a country group. We put out an album called The Little Mermaid" - Billy Bragg

"I've always been spiritual, but I've never had a proper context, and it took me awhile to find the proper context. It's hard to realize you can have any kind of relationship with God you want... and so I now have a punk rock relationship with God. So, basically, I do drugs and listen to Dead Kennedys with God. Oh, and when I say 'God,' I mean Jimmy Chamberlin" - Billy Corgan

"My dad took me to all the best rock and punk shows when I was growing up. Seeing Sum 41 at the Knitting Factory was life-changing." - Winona Ryder

"When the punk thing came along and I heard my friends saying, 'I hate these people with the pins in their ears.' I said, 'Thank God, I feel exactly the same way, dude.'" - Neil Young

"I pretty much grew up when punk was big in the UK. The Sex Pistols were heroes for me. I used to run around like Johnny Rotten. I had a jacket like his. I'd often look in the mirror pretending I was him, and I'd have a big wank. I suck, by the way." Gavin Rossdale

"Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do you? Because the last time I did that, I got crabs." - Clint Eastwood

"I wanted to move to Seattle, sell my ass, and be a punk rocker, but I was too afraid to do so without consulting my lawyer first." - Kurt Cobain

"Punk is not dead. As long as corporations mass produce it, punk will last forever! " - Jello Biafra

White Stripes Cancel U.S. Tour; Even Though They Say Otherwise, It’s Probably Because They Hate You

Acclaimed Blueshammer tribute band The White Stripes have announced that their forthcoming tour of the U.S. has been canceled. It seems that little Meg, the drummer lady, has come down with a nasty dose of those ol’ “acute anxiety” blues, meaning she won’t be traveling anywhere for the foreseeable future, except maybe to the toilet for her morning poo. Pretty late call, too; the shows were due to start tonight in Albuquerque, NM. As they put it themselves, “We hate to let people down and are very sorry.”

Such is the ‘news’ as reported in countless other news-felches; as you well know, we aim to go one step further here at TMT. Consequently, my loyal band of news-gnomes and I have tirelessly burrowed to unearth these rumors regarding the causes of Meg’s anxiety:

• Jack and Meg were approaching Albuquerque, and passed through the sinisterly named New Mexico hamlet, Truth Or Consequences. Suddenly gripped with guilt over their prior disseminations regarding the true facts of their relationship and fearful of the dreaded consequences implied by the town’s name, the dead hand of anxiety struck;

• Jack suggested they hire a bagpipe player for the tour for when they play that cak bagpipe song off of the new album. And dress him up like a fucking pearly king;

• Jack wrote a new song featuring a two-second drum solo;

• She saw Britney Spears’ hot ‘n’ slinky performance on that MTV thing the other night. A horrified Meg, who was also planning to perform in merely a bra and panties for the entire tour, was gripped by anxiety that people might think she was just ripping off the re-energized Britney;

• She was anxious she would miss much of the Women’s World Cup.

For now, though, the British tour starting on October 24 is going ahead. Proud citizens of the United States can get a refund from wherever you purchased your tickets; those Texans amongst you who had tickets for the Austin shows are probably also legally allowed to shoot Meg dead without punishment, should you so desire. And the list of canceled shows? I’m always eager to please:

LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy Gives Up On Exercise, It Shows

Good news, fatasses!

LCD Soundsystem feels for you! Turns out there was actually a reason why James Murphy had Daft Punk come play at his house instead of getting up off of his ass and going to see them: old boy was just plain lazy!

And now, Murphy and the good ol' boys down at the DFA (Diabetes For All, I think) label are about to make it even easier for you to laze around on your roommate's couch smoking pot like the Alice in Wonderland Caterpillar and listening to LCD Soundsystem records! Thanks in no small part to the general sticky-bun eating, chain-smoking, imported-beer swilling, NBC Thursday-TiVo-ing, and all-around haughty-cum-lazy vibe of Indie Rock culture as we know it, Murphy and DFA have decided to release the the formerly iTunes-exclusive, Nike-commissioned 45:33 on the infinitely more louse-friendly CD and double vinyl formats on November 13 of this year... and get THIS: the lazy man's version even comes with bonus tracks!!

Originally conceived as part of Nike's "Nike + Original Run" series, Murphy's continuous, album-length "disco-symphony" was initially marketed as a companion piece for joggers, runners, and other like-minded enthusiasts of the cardio-vascular system who craved the kind of get-up-and-go motivation that you can only get from a brisk four-on-the-floor. Taking the listener through a dynamic range of tempos and rhythms, 45:33 was meant to offer the exercise enthusiast a complete and fulfilling work-out experience, replete with well-timed peaks and valleys at all the right places, all the while maintaining that same old snotty, DIY-dance essence of an LCD Soundsystem recording.

And though the project proved to be a massive commercial (and critical) success during its stint as an iTunes exclusive, 45:33 Murphy and his cohorts can't seem to resist ca$h-ca$h-ca$hin' in, both on the incredible acclaim of Murphy's most recent album, Sound of Silver, and on the overwhelming population of lazy assholes out there who might have decided that they'd rather spend $9.99 on a crave case of White Castles than buy an album geared toward all them "healthy folk." But to sweeten the already sugary deal, the lazy-man's version will come with three bonus tracks that were previously only available in the UK, including the sprawling "Freak Out/Starry Eyes," the hypnotically frantic "North American Scum (Onastic Dub Remix)," and elusive 7-inch B-side "Hippie Priest Bum-Out." Mmmmmm. Doesn't that sound delicious?

So what the heck are you waiting for?!?! Oh, right. The laziness thing. Sorry.

Track lizzzzzzzzzz . . . zzz . . . zzz:

Fall dates, while I'm at it:
09.14.07 - Austin, TX - Zilker Park (Austin City Limits)
09.17.07 - Morrison, CO - Red Rocks Amphitheatre *
09.20.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Hollywood Bowl *
09.21.07 - Mountain View, CA - Shoreline Amphitheatre *
09.24.07 - Seattle, WA - Bank of America Arena at Hec Edmundson Pavilion (University of Washington) *
09.26.07 - Lehi, UT - Waterfall Amphitheater at Thanksgiving Point *
09.28.07 - Kansas City, MO - Starlight Theatre *
09.30.07 - Saint Paul, MN - Roy Wilkins Auditorium *
10.03.07 - Louisville, KY - Waterfront Park *
10.05.07 - Columbus, OH - LC Pavilion *
10.06.07 - New York, NY - Randall's Island *#
10.20.07 - Dublin, Ireland - Tripod
10.21.07 - Manchester, England - Apollo
10.22.07 - Glasgow, Scotland - Barrowlands
10.23.07 - London, England - Brixton Academy

* The Arcade Fire
# Les Savy Fav, Blonde Redhead

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