I caught up with Lemonwedge Public Radio this morning and discussed everything but Lemonwedge Public Radio. To clarify, the story starts in 2011, when I left a stool at the radio station. I have no recollection of why I brought a stool there in the first place, or if the stool was ever recovered. Lemonwedge’s station manager, Brian Blomerth, didn’t really have any answers about it either. Nevertheless, he had plenty of answers regarding various other topics, including stools in general: their mystery and their appeal. He talked trash, truth, toasters, and traffic court; Mr. Blomerth had things to say.
I don’t even have the time to care why the hell we were talking about a stool. Going to do a write up about Lemonwedge for Tiny Mix Tapes and I’d like to do a short interview?
Haha yeah. I wanna talk about this stool some more though.
What is it with this stool?
I dunno Weaver, you brought this stool into my life. Do you still have that stool? I got a real sick stool I really love.
[shares multiple pictures of a nice stool from multiple angles]
That’s a nice stool. How’d you come by it?
I probably found it somewhere. Not with Kate though, because she doesn’t let me grip trash furniture anymore. Is this your stool?
Honestly I have no idea. No recollection of owning any stool at any point in my life. You had a trash habit?
Not a huge one but y’know, if something necessary came my way…
Mainly you were grabbing furniture, or just anything utilitarian?
Well y’know if I found something that I needed or felt like I could use…I dunno everybody doesn’t do that??????? So utilitarian. I wussed out on this toaster the other day and now I regret it. I was like, toaster on the street….hmmmmmmm that’s kinda pushing the boundaries but I do need a toaster.
In Ellicott City, my housemates and I all worked for a moving company. We inherited tons of furniture from clients, a total mishmash of style and quality, antiques to IKEA. The house was cluttered. We had like seven lamps and three couches in the living room. We turned several coffee tables into trash bag tables. So I can relate. How are you going to make toast without a toaster?
I dunno. Use the oven? It sucks. I need a toaster.
That’s gonna drive up your utility bill.
Yeah I mean using the pan isn’t so bad. Or just doing the old over-the-flame-of-the-stove.
A lone piece of bread in a giant oven, what a sad image.
Haha, that’s tight.
Flame over the stove? Like you’re making s’mores?
Yeah. It works but it is psycho.
Do you like camping?
Yeah camping’s cool. I feel like I’m camping all the time.
I have this image of you leaning forward on a stool toasting bread on a stick over the burner in a body suit sleeping bag.
Yeah, that’s how I live.
Back to the land bohemian.
I just like to chill.
You think that toaster is still there?
Nah, it’s gone. I’ll get another shot at a toaster though. And this time I’m going to get it.
You got a plan?
Actually this is really funny; this is coming up. I got a seatbelt ticket in Lemonwedge…but the twist is…I WAS WEARING MY SEATBELT. So I’m gunna go fight this ticket. It’s my big court case for the year. The courthouse is right by the Target SO if I win this case Imma buy a toaster. My court date is November 30th. If I lose Imma keep using the stick over the flame to toast bread.
Sounds like a can’t-lose scenario.
Win Win 100%.
Even if you lose the case you keep the stick.
I’m not gunna lose the stick either way. So many times throughout the day you could use a stick.
You can wave it around in court to illustrate your point.
Haha that sounds sick! I should. I had another traffic case last year that I argued my way out of by saying….”Your honor what if I told you everyone else in the car was drunk?” The judge rolled her eyes and then pointed at the defense and said…”What do you think about that?” The defense shrugged and then she said….”The court thanks you for your service.” As I was leaving an old lady hit her son and said…”You shoulda said that!”
Wild. How often do you go to traffic court?
Once a year if I can help it. It’s fun. Kinda like gambling.
What do you wear to court?
A collared shirt like a real piece of trash. Like a polo shirt.
Izod?
Munsingwear. You want to appear like you always are wearing that…I think if the court is led to believe you own a jet ski you’re good to go.
So the stick might not work in one’s favor?
No it does. Dress golf-tennis casually and carry an OK sized stick. How else are you gunna tilt up your Oakley’s? With your hand like a plebeian? Or with a little stick? Your honor I would like to show you my Oakley tilting stick.
Several sized sticks for various purposes.
Oh now we’re talking. The Spoonerman Square traffic court I grew up loving and messing with regularly had this huge painting in the lobby of the first mayor of Spoonerman Square getting dragged out of a rowboat by a shark. Blood everywhere.
Did the mayor survive?
Hell no. Bye mayor.
Would’ve been even more unsettling if it had been a photograph of the attack.
Either way…really sets the stage for the drama that is traffic court.
Sounds like this is more than a hobby for you.
Ok. I’ll admit it I like traffic court. I got a weird beef with the Lemonwedge comptroller now too. They towed my car and messed up the alignment but the comptroller’s office is less fun ‘cause it doesn’t have the courtroom drama and I don’t get to “be my own attorney.” Hold on…are you implying that you don’t have these kind of cases every year??? Am I alone in this???
I got pulled over by an edgy state trooper down here a couple of years ago. I was delivering wine for a wine company, but he must have thought I was up to something. I wasn’t. He almost went for his gun a couple of times. I haven’t been to traffic court since the Ellicott City days. Back then, I went many times. Must be an East Coast thing, the traffic court scene.
Yeah….I think so. The one time I had something like this in California I just went to a counter and said I couldn’t pay it and they said OK and that was the end. But yeah, let it be known, I don’t support the “pullover scene.” The cop side is EXTREMELY fucked. I got pulled out from under a car by a cop one time….that really sucked.
You were under a car?
Yeah, I hid under a car.
Running from the police?
Goddamn it yeah me and this other guy were throwing fluorescent light bulb tubes at each other in an alleyway. You know cuz they make a loud pop sound and this cop started barreling through the alleyway in the car cause he thought they were gun shots. So we just booked it. I dove under a car and my buddy just booked it and then pretended like he was just walking through the scene. He got away with it. My friend had long hair so they kept being like where’s the girl you were with!!!!! Either way they yelled at me for an hour and called more cops and searched for bullets or a gun and then gave me a littering charge. But yeah, they found me under the car.
A similar thing happened to me in Ellicott City. I had been partying and was just leaving the night but around 7am, and a cop stopped me and said, “What were you doing under that car?” I hadn’t been under any car; I had just walked out the door of my friend’s house.
Then I took a look at myself. I was covered in weird stains and roof tar. He drove alongside of me the whole walk home for about ten blocks berating me through a bullhorn. A walk of shame. But I don’t blame him for perceiving me as shady. The berating was a bit degrading.
That’s insane.
Another Ellicott City story: buddy of mine gets pulled over. He’s wearing flip flops so we all get separated and interrogated. Flip flops really put the police on guard. Probably in court too. No flip flops in court.
Flip flop rule of law! It’s true NO FLIP FLOPS!! Everyone I see wearing flip flops gets the book thrown at them!
Sticks a-plenty but no open-toed anything.
No flip flops. No hats. However, sunglasses on your neck commands the respect of the court. Especially if you wear glasses.
What about sunglasses on your head?
That’s a tight look. Especially if, as you approach the bench, you take ‘em off and hold ‘em and gesture wildly with them.
What about a suit jacket with a t-shirt underneath?
Any t-shirt you’re going away. For a long time.
Solid color even?
Solid color is the worst.
Zoot suit?
The court respects you. Can we just stop and say that this applies to traffic court only.
I get the feeling that props and wild gesturing goes a long way.
Wild gesturing is the rule of law.
Any tips for a visit to the comptroller?
FUCK THE OFFICE OF THE COMPTROLLER. That’s my tip. It’s bullshit. Do away with the comptroller. You just go in and fill out a form. No avenue of justice there.
How about civil or criminal trials?
Well, that’s real court. I don’t want anyone to have to do that ever. Fuck real court. Traffic court for everyone.
Sentenced to traffic court for life…
Traffic Court is Utopia.
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