♫♪  Alison Gold - “ABCDEFG”

Fat Usher, I’m sorry I doubted you.

At first, I thought you were a hack, a phony, a man cruelly bent on capitalizing on the dreams of privileged children and their willing parents. When “Friday” came out, my first inclination was to laugh at you, riding along in that fake car, because you were emasculated by a tween. And it was sad. Ditto with “Thanksgiving:” how downtrodden were you donning that turkey suit? And the final nail in the coffin: “Chinese Food,” with its sickening swathe of rainbows and problematic racial contextualizations (and here we go again with the animal costumes; you should consider playing at Anthrocon). Fat Usher, believe me when I say, ‘I cried. I cried for the dollars spent, the time wasted - but most of all, for humanity itself.’ Touch my cheek. Feel my tears.

But you’ve really redeemed yourself with “ABCDEFG.” I can tell you’ve been studying your Foucault, because that dollhouse is one hell of a Panopticon. When you peer into the windows of that dollhouse, you’re peering into the shining, collective soul of humanity, mocking it, and making it your own. When you enlist the noodle guy from the “Chinese Food” video to play Cupid and strike that poor girl with your arrows, you may as well be shooting America in the heart, because pageviews = love (no matter how twisted), and you’ll get a lot of love for this, I guarantee it. And the puppets. Oh god, the puppets. You’ve really gone meta, Fat Usher. I will kowtow till my knees give in.

• ARK Music Factory: http://arkmusicfactory.com

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CHOCOLATE GRINDER is our audio/visual section, with an emphasis on the lesser heard and lesser known. We aim to dig deep, but we’ll post any song or video we find interesting, big or small.

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