Eternity: The Movie Dir. Ian Thorpe

[Vagrant Films Releasing and Publicity; 2014]

Styles: spoof
Others: Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, 2Gether,

There are two basic principles that guide Eternity: The Movie’s approach to comedy: 1) the mere concept of the 80s as a decade is hilarious, and 2) homoeroticism is a constant goldmine for laughter. Of course, if audiences happen to not share this simplistic and boring approach to comedy, they may find themselves incredibly bored and increasingly annoyed by this aggressively unfunny comedy. The cast is game, and the style of the film is on point, but the writing is such an incompetent mess that it becomes tedious very quickly.

Todd Lucas (Barrett Crake) moves from Omaha to Los Angeles with two dreams: to work at discount fashion store BJ Maxx and pursue a career in music. His coworker, BJ (Myko Olivier), is a saxophonist and wannabe lothario who promptly moves in with Lucas because he has nowhere else to go. As Todd is a sensitive type that gets his heart broken by various women who simply want sex instead of deeper relationship, he writes powerful R&B songs that BJ helps improve with his sax stylings. They form the group Eternity and become popular until they break up over jealousy — and then reunite because friendship is important or something.

In terms of narrative, Eternity is a mess. Eternity (the band) is shown becoming popular based on the three songs they release, but then they are constantly threatened to be overshadowed by another group their producer has signed. Todd and BJ both have feelings for their neighbor Gina Marie (Nikki Leonti), though the plot line is handled poorly and mainly just pulled together to create friction between the two leads for their inevitable Behind the Music-style falling out. Oh, and Gina Marie is a singer/songwriter as well, something that is introduced about 3/4ths of the way through the film. There are no arcs that the characters go through: Todd doesn’t suddenly have an understanding about sex and love, BJ doesn’t become a more sensitive person. Instead the film goes through the motions of a vague outline of the classic rise and fall of bands, but none of it is compelling or makes much sense.

But of course, as a comedy, it’s not necessary that Eternity has the most airtight plot. However, it is necessary that it be funny. In that respect it fails miserably. Notice how there’s someone named BJ and a store named BJ? Well, there are plenty of attempts to mine that for hilarity. Plus, there are multiple supporting characters (caricatures, really) of mincing gay men who constantly think that Todd and BJ are a couple. These tired homoerotic jokes that simply don’t work, yet are constantly being made. It’s a missed opportunity, since the whole genre of 80s plastic soul (Eternity most closely resembling Hall & Oates), is ripe with many areas to parody (as done expertly in the actually funny web series Yacht Rock).

There are some, albeit minor, bright spots in the film. As mentioned, the leads are game and really deliver good performances for terribly written parts. It would be nice to see them given better material, as both Crake and Olivier seem talented. The clothing and style of the film is on point, with great flashback looks that add whatever charm this film has. And while most of the music is forgettable, and really not that close to its real life source material, “Make Love, Not Just Sex” and “Sambuca & Cider” would fit right in on a Michael McDonald album from that time.

At about 90 minutes, Eternity ends up feeling like its namesake. There are constantly jokes that fall flat, plot contrivances that make no sense, and an over-reliance on the same type of humor throughout the film. Viewers are better off saving their time and watching David Bowie and Mick Jagger’s music video for “Dancing in the Street.” More laughter is derived from the unintentional hilarity of that video than the purposeful attempts at being funny in Eternity: The Movie.

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