Attractive and Popular Money Equals Magic

[Gold Standard Laboratories; 2007]

Rating: 0.5/5

Styles: sparkly dance-punk, glimmering electro
Others: similar but inferior to XBXRX, CSS, Deerhoof, Xiu Xiu

There is a difference between irreverence and cruelty. Attractive and Popular are flat-out cruel. What they create is an insult to any musical landscape, tractoring over every natural wonder and detonating every landmine. Instead of integrity and merit, they parade behind gilded dollar signs and starry sparkles. They pose for cartoonish, self-mocking photos (like swimming through U.S. currency small bills). They have taken a musical trend and made it a fad — fatuous, false. The songs reek of laziness, like swamp ass, moldy couch cushions, or worse — smegma. Their brevity is only a quick escape. They want to run away before they’re caught and exposed as charlatans. “Angular guitars,” “synth buzzes,” “fuzzy riffs” — it really amounts to nothing. The singing is an atrocity, once again parodying what is considered cool nowadays. You’ve got your moans, your yelps, your ululations. The voice makes me want to chafe my own treasure chest with the ridged edge of the jewel case. What else can I say? How about some gems from the lyric booklet? “We make the ladies perspire/ Cuz we’re hot like fire.” “I love your breasts like my favorite food.” “Have you looked in the mirror lately?/ Cuz you’re so sexy baby.” “You know I know you want me so bad/ We are the future baby.” Someone please put a [something sharp/enormous/poison] in my [something sensitive/vital/pretty].

On the whole, Money Equals Magic and Attractive and Popular are offensive — from the song titles to the cut-off shirtsleeve fashion choice. Zak, Blade, Trista, Jake Noise, and Bobby Missile (I’m embarrassed to even type those names): don’t send me any more of your shit. There: cruelty.

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