Tom Green Prepare For Impact

[Vik/Sony BMG; 2005]

Rating: 1.5/5

Styles: homemade hip-hop
Others: check MySpace and find many, many like him

How the slightly mighty have fallen... more. Fresh off his appearance in probably nothing you've ever seen, I can only assume Prepare For Impact is a friendly heads-up as Tom's career finally hits the ground. At the beginning of the millennium and until the re-release of his original Comedy Network episodes on DVD, Green was one of my heroes. I admired the fact that he began with such relatively humble roots and managed to be successful doing what he wanted to do. Leading by example, he made me feel like I could truly do anything I wanted to do.

After his first brief foray into the spotlight with the Juno (Canadian Grammy)-nominated hip-hop outfit Organized Rhyme, the Pembroke-born Tom was left in his parent's Ontario basement with nothing but a camera, a few friends, and a lot of spare time. Working up from public access, his DIY show was given a half-hour of late night Canadian cable time on the Comedy Network. With that, he brought the developing channel Trailer Park Boys-like rerun success in the mid '90s. This burgeoning underground notoriety allowed him to assume his MC Face identity for 1998's Not The Green Tom Show. Featuring the Cypress Hill-style seal-clubbing anthem "Slaughter Ya Outta," this album had reasonably passionate, inventive rhymes with contrastingly sharper humor backed by undeniably solid underground beats. This is, by far, Green's strongest musical endeavor. Half a year after this limited release, he was on MTV and, like everyone else on that vacuous corporate pawn, gave up trying. Instead of investing himself into the new market and coming up with some original material, he rehashed his old Canadian skits to a US audience (though comparing the dazed reaction of Ontario parents, greeting Tom in the wee morning hours after giving the audience a ride home, to how New York parents aggressively treated him while doing the same thing there was at least sociologically interesting). His only music effort in his time there was the "Lonely Swedish (The Bum Bum Song)" single that, unsurprisingly, went to number one on Total Request Live, despite or because of its inherent crippling stupidity. Though this earned Tom a parody in an Eminem track and subsequent video, it was by no means a significant musical achievement — I mean, Carson Daly and Fred Durst were mentioned too.

After six post-MTV years better left undescribed, Song BMG has up and decided to give TG another crack at the hip-hop cash cow. Mike Simpson of The Dust Brothers is on total cruise control for the Impact beats — all of which consist of a looped sample, a retread beat, and some of the lamest scratching I've ever heard not on a handwritten CDr. Granted the production is quite smooth, but it's unquestionably devoid of effort, so much so that dogs can hear the difference. Tom's rhymes have become stagnant, his humor stale, and his delivery strained yet disinterested. No matter how much you say it's a joke, Tom's five-years-late attacks on Johnny Knoxville, the never-been-funny Jimmy Fallon [note to Jimmy: STOP GIGGLING IN EVERY SKIT, FUCKNUTS!!! THAT'S NOT COMEDY!!!], and everyone else who dissed him on the way out of Hollywood just come off as vain, petty, and ultimately pointless. For a greater example, the lead single from Prepare is a song about how Tom's teachers were "just folks that couldn't get a job/ because they were either too stupid or just a knob" called "Teachers Suck." This year he turns 35... he hasn't been in school for over fifteen years. Why is he still rapping about this crap? Tom, seriously, you need grow up and let that past shit go. I don't want to see you go out like this.

1. Write Rhymes & Act Like An Asshole
2. My Bum Is On Ya Lips
3. Mike Check
4. I'm An Idiot
5. Teachers Suck
6. Science Is Everywhere
7. People in My Neighbourhood
8. Goofy Rocking Chair
9. My Name Is Hammy
10. ?
11. I Like Hooters
12. I'm No Comedian
13. Don't Mess With A Man (After He Takes A Big Poo Poo)

Most Read