Unwed Sailor Circles EP

[Burnt Toast; 2006]

Styles: post-rock … wanna fight about it?
Others: Saxon Shore, Apse, Town & Country, Anoice, Mogwai

Up to his neck in the thick, drippy confines of yet another post-rock exploration, Our Hero finds himself lost in a dark tunnel of serene organ ribbons and plodding tom-toms sans glow-in-the-dark watch. Logy from the pan-and-a-half of brownies he's just snorted for dinner, Our Hero is full of steamy food but famished for ideas, worried he's going to have to pull out of his Superhero premise because he's already running out of the sort of brainstorms that would keep it fresh and lively. This early in the review? Yes, this early...

But perhaps writer's block isn't responsible for this sudden change of heart; maybe, just maybe, the subject at hand – Unwed Sailor's Circles EP – is too boring to deserve such an elaborate plot device. After all, how can a
detective-slash-music-reviewer scale far-away climes and escape from nefarious overlords if the soundtrack to his adventures is limp as a severed cow tongue? That's right! He can't!!!

So, now I'm back to being boring ol' Gumshoe Grant – a dillard if there ever was one – and reviewing this CD straight-up. No creative tricks to keep the review interesting like fake journal entries, feigned rough drafts of unfinished reviews, Notes To Self that lend that tough-to-grasp intimacy. I'm just gonna slap a few adjectives together with a couple of clever metaphors and shut up shop for tonight (see? One already!!!).

But do I really need to delve further into Circles? I already said it was boring; what more do you need to know? That it doesn't hold a candle to the work of prime-time post-rock hockers? That the 11 minutes and 9 seconds it took to hear "Mesa" would have been better spent revving up my blackhead gun? That this aimless, lost-guy-in-the-desert-with-no-talent-and-a-record-deal-with-Burnt-Toast EP is becoming rote and increasingly painful with each listen? That I can think of at least 25 instrumental records I'd rather be listening to (Grace Cathedral Park, where are you when I need you?), and at least 75 I'd rather be insulting viciously?

Well FUCK YOU! I don't have time for that shitski. Just avoid this CD if you're sick and tired of being sick and tired of hearing bands that craft music that makes you feel sick and tired. Or if you have mono... or if you have the new Mono.

1. Circles I: Mist
2. Circles II: Mesa

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