Apple Fall From Tree, “Just Push Play” Says Sir Issac Newton, Aerosmith mp3 Song Title

Hey, what are those things that everyone is carrying around on the train? I heard someone call it an "iPod," is that right? Apparently they're popular. I thought those white things were just fancy candy bars! Sweet, delicious candy bars wrapped in a 21st century tech-savvy wrapper with a new chocolate delivery system that pumps it right into the ear canal. Boy was I wrong!

Now, I'm not a total dummy. I thought something was off in my analysis of the device. But, I thought, c'est la vie! People want chocolate in their ears, let 'em have it! They wanted it in their mouths all these years, those holes and tubes all go down somehow, who was I to judge? Eventually I realized that, hey, maybe this isn't candy, and, hey, where can I get one?

Apparently you can get them everywhere. 8,729,000 iPods were shipped in the fourth quarter alone! The ubiquitous little devices are selling like the poor man's pancakes (hot cakes). 39 million were bought over the whole year. That's a lot of hot cakes! So I thought, "Okay, iPod, I'll bite." And I did. Hard. Chipped a tooth and ruined the device.

Round two. I bought another one. 180 GB. GB must stand for Great Buy because boy was it ever! And Salesman Ted was real nice. Even though the unknown company that makes the iPod made a profit of $546 million in the fourth quarter of our fiscal year, they don't act like it. Sure, $10 billion in annual profits could go to a guy's head, but not Salesman Ted's! Once I got it, I started fiddling around with the thing... it's a DAT player! I love DAT tapes. So I tried to put one in, but there was no hole. Not even a slot. The thing was defective. So, DAT-less, I returned it.

Needless to say, I was pretty upset. All that time, money, and energy wasted, and I wanted answers. So I looked up who makes the player. Turns out it's made by some company that sells apples! No wonder it didn't work! You can't stick a DAT in an apple, how can they expect us to put one in these pods? I guess everyone is just too embarrassed to return theirs, but not me. They even sold 5.3 million Macintosh "computers" (new breed of apple) this quarter. They sure do love those apples. And for the record, it's a bushel, not a pod. What a company!

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