Band O’ Horse = New Album + Walmart + Tour + Irritably Drunk Amateur News Writer = You Got It Dude!

Hello shit-faced newsathon, I will be writing about Band of Horses tonight while intoxicated. I hope all readers enjoy.

Note: Indiana law prohibits the purchasing of alcohol from liquor stores on Sunday.

I realized Sunday was the best day to write this story. I've decided to skip my morning classes because I'm a pussy and I like to sleep in when I have a hang over. I am also lazy, and using this as an excuse to miss French 201 and Post-Colonial Lit.

With this last minute decision, I realized I had no liquor, not even drugs, and no contacts whatsoever. So I scrounged what I could.

- A flask full of vodka
- Three shots of Newfoundland Screech rum
- A half bottle of Bacardi rum
- Some fruity wine that child molesters drink
- One shot of Evan Williams whiskey

And so I started with the Newfoundland Screech. The rest is history.

Oh, I was supposed to be writing a news story... Crap, shit. I'm drunkered. I haven't been writing anything. I mean, I haven't been keeping a good count of the shots I've had. I started messing around with my instruments and not writing this story.

(sidenote for marv - yipee = greg do good, so after 3 shots of screech and and 5 shots of Bacardi, which I accidently chaced with Bacardi instead of coke, shit. Fuck. Word 2007 sucks.) (what a munute... I was going to write that I am lush sidenot = ebarrassssing, also was emabarrrassed that I rented John Tucker Must Die at work and that was a great movie.)

Okay, so Band O' Horses and Walmart -- (think of title later -- write it at top of written stuff).

So Band O' Horses sold out to Walmart. I'm a lush but I'll will drink more so I will be cool to our readership and society. I don't know who would want to read this. At fizirst I thought it was funny but "whoa I lost the mouser scrolly thing.

(sidenote thingy: 3 more shot of Bacardi:I don't even know. Fuck mr. p.)

So my fiancée keeps distracting me with POlarioids she has been taking of our kittens. Whoa. So TMT sold out. This a disgrace to journalistical intergrity. Rock on, Gorge Bucsh.!

Okay, s Band O' Horses. Here goes the story, right? Right@!

So Band O' Horses lended their beloved hiospter anthem "The Funeral" to the new walmart website--wait for link--. This is a site abotunhot how cool walfart is..yeah joke. Walfart. Sp drunk. I'm cool.

So I worked at walmart for a month. I betg band o' horses never worked at walkmert., I liked them. I liked carissa's weird better, but whatever... that's neither here or there essays. This was a bad idea mr. p. to have us write wasted. Bad. Bad idea. Anyways so I worked at walmart for a month, helping them create this grocery section out of a regular walmart and then bleeding myself to death in the deli. But the truth is the funniest thing I tell people about walmart is how their training video was about.

Scenario: If you are a cashier and someone holds a gun to you at "gunpoint" ... whoa, that sounded stupid, andyways if someone was robbing you as a cashier you are supposed to "act" and faint according to their training videos. I also worked at Target for three years -- they said "give the robber what was in the cash drawer, you are more important to us than money... Walmart's cares are obvious.

Question: If sam Walton was sooooo smart, than why is he dead?

At least I clocked in one day and just left and went back to bed. Came back in to clock at and some guy thought I was still working. HAHE. Ha. Okay so I want to get this over because I bought the fifth season of Full House on dvd earlier tonight at Walmart and I want to prefereabrly pass out watching the olsen twins coked up.

So what? They are still a decent India rock band. Quit you g-damn winin'. (3 or 4 or 5 more shots -- seriously, sorry mr. p -- you know I'm a good guy, and I'm trying to keep track) So they have a new album and tour as well. The album is called Cease to Begin and it's out on Subpop on October 9th. The guys will be on Letterman on October 18th and Conan on November 5th. Hell, maybe even I will be on Conan someday. I tired my best at writing this news. So I'll copy and past, lethargically, this album tracklist and tourdated. I hope that does people good. If not go to stereogum and/or p4k and get the ineveitable truth.

Okay, reader, so I took a break, comma, to, comma, eat some carrots... I was going to eat mircrowavered buffalo hot spicy wings, but I realized I a drunken fatass... so I ate carrots fo my drunken brak. The cat licked them...crazzzzzzy. But I still at them. Cat spit be damn good for you. Shit. But hey dawgs I used BACON RANCH, which kicks fuckin ass. So I cheated.

So that's the end. We had a greta time tonights fuckerz. But Jodie swetten is preggerz and life continues. Just band o' horses continues (btw -- for mr. p. sidenot -- most like 5 more shots) let me tell you publically real quickly about the time I puked all over my Armenian roommate Vache's white Persian rug as blacked out naked and woke up at my fiancés places the next morning with the worst hangover I ever fucking have, but still ate excellent thai food the next night. Let us pray the never happens again.

BAND O' HORSES LOVES KRAFT BACON RANCH AND SO THEY TOUR, TOUR, TOUR: and track list, once again bad idea mr. p. but god, do I love tmt.


Most Read