Bon Iver’s Big Spankable Tour

In a perfect world, Bon Iver would provide the soundtrack to the film adaptation of the romance novel, Big Spankable Asses. At first thought, you may think the tender music of Bon Iver might clash with the blunt substance of a movie like Big Spankable Asses, and you'd be exactly right. They wouldn't go together at all, IF you let some Hollywood bigwig muck it all up by changing the purity of the story.

Big Spankable Asses is written in the literary tradition of E.M. Forster's An Assage to India and Graham Greene's The Quiet Ass. The story takes place in 1940s New York City, following an ass-loving private detective who is wrapped up in a murder mystery after his partner is killed. He finds himself with a femme fatale, searching for the stuff dreams are made of: Big Spankable Asses. He thinks he's found the mythical items, but they're made of lead. Oops!

The story is delicate and emotional, and it needs someone like Bon Iver to paint a soothing picture over the pain and greed for asses that is our humanity. I'd like to write the adaptation, but I know those Hollywood turkeys would turn it into some sleazy sex romp with guys running around bottomless getting all ass-crazy. I haven't approached Bon Iver with the proposition yet, but I'm confident we can maintain the integrity of the work of all three original authors. I'll try and meet up with Bon Iver at all of these locations:

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