Crystal Antlers and Crystal Stilts Tour (Separately) to Promote Replacing “Wolf” With “Crystal” for Title of “Most Overused Indie-Band-Naming Device”

Those goddamn hipsters are at it again! Back in the good ol’ days, their bands had nice, easy-to-swallow names like The Pixies and Wilco and Pavement. They started getting on my nerves when they took random words and strung them together – Neutral Milk Hotel? What the fuck is that shit supposed to be about? Or Modest Mouse? Mice don’t have feelings! If anything, they’re just dicks. Why else would they keep pooping in my cereal?

And then for the last five years everything’s been about wolves! Wolf Parade (those animals would eat everyone in sight if let out in mass quantities), AIDS Wolf (they have STDs now?), Sea Wolf (that’s just a dead wolf in the ocean), and just when I think I’m safe, they start bombarding me with wolves in other languages! Did you know that Le Loup actually means “The Wolf” in French? Fuckin’ commies just won’t leave me alone. It got better for a while, but now look what those scruffy American Apparel-wearing kids have gotten themselves into -- it’s “Crystal” now! Crystal Castles, Crystal Antlers, Crystal Stilts… why don’t they just admit what they’re getting at and call the next band Crystal Meth? I’d buy that album. And now two of them are going on tour to make this blasphemy even more apparent. This has got to end. They’re infringing on my rights here, and I won’t stand for it. I’ll be at every single one of these shows with protest signs. Join me and you’ll be spared when the Rapture comes.

Crystal Antlers tourdates:

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