Oh yes, I could play the true-blue game of talking about a band’s name, in this case, how shitty it is to have Pissed your Jeans like this. I could also spitball y’all little ditties about a friend of mine who used to get drunk and sleepwalk nightly, eventually ending his stumble-bum stroll by pissing on himself, pissing in the household recycling box, pissing on his sleeping girlfriend’s head (true story), or pissing into an oven that was cooking a seven layer “good friends, good times, macho nachos” (untrue story). I will slyly tease you with those urine-soaked yarns and instead talk about Pissed Jeans, Sub Pop’s rather aggressive art-punk undergrounders, who will be embarking on a short ‘n’ sweet tour of the nation’s hot spots (and Allentown, PA) starting today, with copies of their new album, Hope for Men (TMT Review), in hand.
Although I will provide the formulaic dates, locales, and venues that you have grown to expect and love or else incur the wrath of getting bullwhipped by our editorial board, this tour is so short that I can also describe every date quickly using descriptive, insane sentences:
Pissed Jeans start their mini-campaign tonight in Baltimore, at Ottobar, named for the 14th descendant of Colonel Von Ottobar, a rarely heard-of general who bowed out of the Isis Crisis after getting his scrote stuck in the zipper of his jodhpurs (incidentally, that was the inspiration for Ben Stiller’s famous ball-twist scene in There’s Something about Mary). They will then march to Philadelphia to play the Vacuum Warehouse November 21, where it is an unwritten custom for every band that plays there to go through a strange hazing ritual of tea-bagging the nozzles of every Electrolux, Hoover, and Bissell in attendance. On November 30, the Pissed Jean Jeanies will entertain Allentown, where they’re closing all the factories down... out in Bethlehem they’re killing time... filling out forms, standing in line (Yes! I knew I’d get the chance to quote Billy Joel here eventually!). Then it’s off to New York, where they will play for the coolest people in the world -- first at the Williamsburg Music Hall to an audience of Vice Magazine writers, then at the Bowery Ballroom for Interpol, their posse, and their posse’s posse. The last U.S. date is in Austin at Beerland December 8. The band is not really playing a show but is contractually obligated to drink all the beer in the land and entertain fans by seeing which band member can ride a mechanical bull the longest without pissing their own jeans. The band will also play a All Tomorrow’s Parties vs. Pitchfork thing sometime in the future.
I told you it was a short tour, barely long enough to fill your bladder
11.19.07 - Baltimore, MD - Ottobar #
11.21.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Vacuum Warehouse $
11.30.07 - Allentown, PA - Jan’s Room %
12.01.07 - New York, NY - Williamsburg Music Hall ^
12.02.07 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom ^
12.08.07 - Austin, TX - Beerland
05.09-11.08 - East Sussex, England - Camber Sands Holiday Centre, All Tomorrow’s Parties
# Black Dice, Wzt Hearts, Pony Tail
$ Black Dice
% Iron Lung, Off Minor, Salvation, Ghaddar
^ Mudhoney
