This just in: Smashing Pumpkins Suck but That Doesn’t Stop Them from Scheduling More Tour Dates

Dear Billy Corgan,

I think it's about time you and I had a talk. Why? Why would you defame what's left of the Smashing Pumpkin legacy (which wasn't much to being with) by gathering up a bunch of B-list musicians--not to mention your lackey Jimmy Chamberlain--and drag them across the US like a carnival sideshow? Are you t hat hungry for attention? Is this a cry for help?

I know that you aren';t in a position to book wrestling anymopre nor are you really succeding as a solo artist. And we won't begin to dissect the disaster that was known as Zwan. I figured by now that your ego would be satisfied by the legion of gullible kids you've suckered over the past 15 years into hinging on your every word. In my book, you're just a step below L. Ron Hubbard, Charles Mason, and Marshall Applewhite (not to be confused with former Texas QB Major Applewhite--I totally want to name my first born male child Major but that's a subject for another day).

Anyway, I'm sure you'll dismiss this and dream of the days that "Tonight, Tonight" was a hit and you were contributing to the outcome of Glacier vs. Mortis for an edition of WCW Thunder alongside Bob Mould. So, enjoy your time on the road with a band of halfwits (and Jimmy Chamberlain) and bringing prothestic sadness to a bunch of confused teenagers with that pale, anemic bald head of yours.

Oh, I almost forgot: Fuck you!

[Most] Sincerely,


P.S. Why am I telling people when your tour dates are? Maybe it's a public service announcement to townsfolk to hide in basements and bomb shelters until you pass.

Most Read