Madonna Fights Nuclear Waste and Vows, “Restless Leg Syndrome, You’re Next!”

When not pissing off parishes and perfecting her phony English accent (yeah, we know you live in the UK now but you're starting to act like some of the arseholes I know who emigrated from across the ocean as fetuses and still won't cut the cord on their faux-Brit patois), it seems Madonna has been thinking a lot about the earth's future and others of late.

It may be somewhat old news, but reports, well, everywhere (it is Madonna after all) claim that she and husband Guy Ritchie hounded the offices of British Prime Minister Blair, the UK Department of Trade and Industry, and British Nuclear Fuels (BNFL) with a plan to battle nuclear waste with a mystical Kabbalah-developed liquid. The two believe the solution has already been successful in neutralizing radiation in Ukraine, and Ritchie (apparently a "talking pictures" director of some renown... what will they think of next?!) sent a number of letters along with scientific papers that support the healing powers of the mystical fluid. This is all a bit at odds with the unsubstantiated rumor that the couple were heard quarrelling, as Madonna scolded hubby with, "It's nuclear god dammit, Guy! Not nuculer!"

The old gal can still stir up bad feelings and stomach bile in the most seemingly patient of peeps. Last week, a Dutch priest admitted to calling in a fake bomb threat in an attempt to stop a recent concert in Amsterdam on Madonna's current "Confessions" tour. In Moscow on Monday, the show went on but was opposed by many religiosos, including Orthodox church spokesman Father Vsevolod Chaplin, who, speaking to Pravda online, said, "This lady has been glorifying human passions with the help of religious symbols for years... she now thinks it is time for her to crucify herself in public. It means the singer is in need of spiritual help." No offence Father, but we're guessing the spiritual well-being of Me-donna is where it's always been, behind the megalomanical driving force. Could she be changing her ways?

"I can write the greatest songs (wha?) and make the most fabulous films (WHAT???) and be a fashion icon and conquer the world, but if there isn't a world to conquer, what's the point?" she said according to The Sunday Times. "I've just come to a place in my life where I'm trying to really see what the big picture is and where my energy is better spent, and that's one area I'm really concerned about."

We'll ignore the laughable possibility of Maddy ever actually writing her own songs or making even passably enjoyable films... the concept of Madonna thinking of others is as likely as someone successfully using a stingray for a boogie-board (too soon for Crocodile Hunter jokes?). With experts claiming Madonna's nuclear waste eradication scheme as pure hokum, at least hucksters can have a field day with the notion of magical Kabbalah water. It's only a matter of time until we hear the following at every traveling show and county fair:

"Gather 'round ever'one! Welcome to ye ole' medicine show. All sicknesses cured, plus possibly any nuclear ailments you may have. Get rid of yer liniments and snake oil, rosehips and riboflavin, Carter's Little Liver Pills, mugwump specific, swamp root, Kikapoo Indian Sagwa, 'joy juice', vegetable compound, Doan's Pills, Dr. Williams' Pink Pills for Pale People, milk from a witch's tit... Mystical Madonna has all you need by the bottleful ($1.75 for a half-liter, $3.00 per liter). A couple of swigs and y'all w'all be 'I gots ta get me some o' that kwazy kabbally potion!!!' Sick made well, weak made strong. Scarlet fever, cooties, and "female problems" gone. Chewing and cigarette habits cured. Say 'goodbye' to flatulence!..."

Unfortunately the one societal affliction Kabbalah liquid will never do away with is Madonna's incessant spotlight-grabbing and media-whoring.

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