There are expensive turntables... and here is another one. This record player is called The Gabriel, and it could be yours for $64,000. As you can see, this model has four arms, making constant changing of pickup cartridges a thing of the past (finally!). The one-armed model will run you a mere $27,000.
Why would a pile of aluminum, bronze, and stainless steel cost you a couple of years tuition at your finest community college? Well, it bills itself as a shining example of magnetic suspension, which lifts vinyl mere millimeters above bearings by means of calibrated magnets which dampen vibrations, as if the record was nestled upon feathers plucked from the sublime wings of the angel Gabriel himself. As any seasoned audiophile will tell you, that makes for “good lissnin’!” It takes half a day for maker Angelis Labor to calibrate The Gabriel and set up the turntable. As Placido Pappalardo, co-owner of Angelis Labor, claims, “When I look at it the only word that comes to mind is love.” We hope so, and at that price it better swallow too!
Very high-end record players are not that rare, and they are fun to look at. For example, this. These. Or this nutty thing! A quick stroll on the web will yield you plenty of (I hate to go over your heads and get real technical here) mumbo-jumbo justifying these pricey units, and if discerning between low bass string gauges is important to you, then these may make your listening conundrums easier. Regardless of the extravagance, all of us have some sort of stereo setup and love music, so it never hurts to take a few moments during your day and daydream about owning a sweet piece of stereo art normally scooped up in pairs by billionaire bumpkins who want to hear that stupid “bawitdabaabangadangdiggydiggyboobysandwich” Kid Rock song in its purest form (one for the den, one for the outhouse).
If you do somehow have the funds to buy The Gabriel, you will have to contact the company directly; Angelis Labor will never allow anybody to sell their products on the internet. Said Pappalardo: “We will never allow anybody to sell our products on the Internet.” Maybe they are willing to do radio ads?
Want to be the envy of your friends and have them stripped-searched upon entry to your home? Then The Gabriel is for you. The Gabriel is one of the small few contestants to ever beat BioHazard on Battlebots. The Gabriel doesn’t use electricity, but it does need to be fed crickets, mice, and rattlesnakes to function. The U.S. Government used The Gabriel to develop its stealth aircraft technology. The Gabriel has been its own UN designation, out of respect. Don’t make eye contact with The Gabriel; it can turn on you like a bipolar nympho possessed by a feral parrot off its meds. Girls, don’t expect a call from The Gabriel the morning after a hot date; do expect to be pregnant. Always bring The Gabriel on road trips; it can change a tire and hunt and cook you survival vittles...
