John Bellows
Fast Hits [CS; Teen River]

John Bellows is officially invited to all of my birthday parties from now on. I just think he’d make a good presence there, getting into the food and booze, goofing around with all kinds of funny voices and impressions, and making a general drunken mess of himself while causing a scene. And I’d want for him to do all that, because that is something that must be done at a birthday party. Because it was going to happen anyway. Someone has to be the asshole, screw things up a bit. It is as inevitable as rock and roll itself, and that’s why there’s Fast Hits. Fast Hits is a karate kick in the teeth. It’s a cartoon cat & mouse chase. It comes out of nowhere, it smarts like a motherfucker, and it is kind of a circus. There’s tastes of everything from Sebadoh to Kiss to Tom Waits on this highly enjoyable cassette tape, and more, and it’s all lined with a fuzzy notion of that word that is best when it exists as a noun, “gnarly.” Yes, John Bellows’ raging assault of power chord craziness is gnarly, but it is also a gnarly. It hasn’t showered in a while, it’s got patchy stubble all over its face. It just took six 5-Hour Energy™s, it is off to the races and you are in its way. And it will run you the fuck over. Even what is passed off for as a ballad here in “La La La La La” will kick your ass, and you’ll thank it for the favor.


Cerberus seeks to document the spate of home recorders and backyard labels pressing limited-run LPs, 7-inches, cassettes, and objet d’art with unique packaging and unknown sound. We love everything about the overlooked or unappreciated. If you feel you fit such a category, email us here.

Most Read