1994: Mariah Carey - “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

While potentially about her THEN husband Tommy Mottola (a.k.a. Little Gino), Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” — co-written by São Paulo, Brazilian Vladimir Nikitich Afanasieff — was initially acclaimed for its flagrant holiday and gospel-backed cheer, but then fluttered itself religiously apart from the rest of the album Merry Christmas, as Butterfly don’t need nothing but her man. This proves that (1) Michael Jackson was right when he was quoted as saying “Tommy Mottola is a Devil,” and (2) Mariah Carey is p-much like all of us, but NOT, and with a Glitter of swag (e.g., setting “All I Want For Christmas Is You” in the people’s key of G, while spanning a vocal range of G3 to A5). When the song was released in 1994, Brian Wilson immediately tried to sue her for harmony infringement, but Pope John Paul II caught this wave, conducted Holy Research between Mariah and Beach Boys vocals on born-deaf people, and Carey miraculously cured 15 out of 20 in the study, and was — on-the-low — appointed modern sainthood. Why do you think this is the seventh time you’ve heard about “All I Want For Christmas Is You” within the hour? You don’t really think those 254+ million views on the Carey-directed music video YouTube page are of all-time, right? ANSWER: also all within the last hour.

But let’s cut to the chase: LORE. Fuck all the heavy bits of reality regurgitated in the paragraph above, and let’s get to the mystique. For one, its been proven with the use of a thousand vibrating champagne glasses (excluding the one being held by Mariah) that “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is the clearest Carey vocals in any of her recorded performances. During one of the initial press conferences for 2014’s Interstellar, director Christopher Nolan listed off influences that led to the intentional lack of CGI in the film, including the kaleidoscopic parts from the “All I Want For Christmas Is You” video, followed by dimensional shifting gasps of relief. There were also eight dog actors in the video, three of which were put down by Columbia Records (against Carey’s wishes, leading to her Columbia to Virgin to Def Jam buyouts, rly) for biting the talent more than 100 times. Five lived thereafter in [a country only rich people know about], and all of these dogs were stuffed and sold at private auctions, the last most recently seen via the Black Market rivaling Nazi art in “most Bitcoins spent on an item.” However, the bunny featured in “All I Want For Christmas Is You” was a solo act and has since vanished from public view after being cloned during the filming.

Furthermore, the electronic sounds in “All I Want For Christmas Is You” has been highly and heatedly debated between FKA twigs and James Ferraro (a.k.a. James Ferraro) as the most influential piece of music on all modern synthetically-driven R&B, both claiming Rraro’s 2013 EP God of London as the end of this argument moving forward. In fact, “All I Want For Christmas Is You” remains Carey’s #1 single in Japan, and after a release party thrown in honor of it becoming the theme song for 29才のクリスマス, Mariah took a private jet to an island where she broke her peace with the world to human-hunt that Santa who drops her in the video (obviously not Little Gino, mebbe). But the half-human-sized dancers were legit flown in from the North Pole, as they live there in a tribe but can’t spell the name out of fear. The dove and reindeer are witchcraft, honestly. I’m familiar with all these details because Mariah Carey is a telepath. For example, this Santa hunt situation occurred after my Grams’s mind was hacked by Carey, witnessing the first date my grandfather took her on, ending in being dropped in the snow as a joke, and following their next conversation a year later; Mariah bare-witnessed true love y’all and just couldn’t let this “Santa” perpetrator stand between her and her artistic measure.

Mariah is telling me right now to start wrapping this up because Mottola ain’t a clone rn, no.

I have a cellphone (again). I’d rather ship it to someone outside this country who actually needs this piece of technology. However, I settled on this “first-world problem” by setting up a constant loop of Mariah Carey videos on YouTube and typing this post on it. And now I’m down in Florida, soaking up sun on Xmas, but without my fiancée. Talking about Mariah with nobody but my phone. Shout out to Max Power for unknowingly instigating me to write this up. Mottola isn’t a clone, nor is the original dead because of Mariah Carey. Merry Christmas!


There’s a lot of good music out there, and it’s not all being released this year. With DeLorean, we aim to rediscover overlooked artists and genres, to listen to music historically and contextually, to underscore the fluidity of music. While we will cover reissues here, our focus will be on music that’s not being pushed by a PR firm.

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