Melvins just can’t hold in the announcement of their new album, Hold It In! Ew, what’s that SMELL?!?

Melvins just can't hold in the announcement of their new album, Hold It In! Ew, what's that SMELL?!?

Ah, the illustrious Melvins. This news story is ostensibly about “their return” with their first new album since 2010’s The Bride Screamed Murder — entitled Hold It In and due October 14 — but let’s be honest: had Seattle badasses Dale Crover and Buzz Osborne ever, even for one fraction of one second, left your forever-grungy, pot-addled mind? Exactly. Ours neither.

And why exactly is that? Because of all their radio hits? Because Dale Crover was totally a better drummer than Dave Grohl? Because Buzz Osborne is super-duper Teen Beat sexy-looking? No, double-no, and TRIPLE no. I’ll tell you why. It’s because, unlike all those other bands from that scene, the Melvins have a non-terrible band name.

Seriously. “Nirvana”? Totally the worst name ever. For real, though. Let’s think these through a minute now. Alice?… in Chains? Sound-garden? Face it. That’s all some serious, cliched high school garage-band bullshit, folks. The Melvins have a sweet, simple, cool name. It fits like a good buzz cut: perpetually kinda-sorta in style. Gotta respect the buzz cut.

So yeah, even though this new record (recorded in Austin and L.A. with Crover and Osborne being backed by Butthole Surfers’ Paul Leary and JD Pinkus) comes after four years of silence (well, kinda), it pretty much seems like they’ve never left us. Suck it, more popular bands from that era. Long live the Melvins. And, what the fuck? Long live the buzz cut. Don’t hate.

Melvins tour dates:

10.15.14 - Sacramento, CA - Assembly
10.17.14 - Bellingham, WA - Wild Buffalo House of Music
10.18.14 - Seattle, WA - The Showbox
10.19.14 - Portland, OR - Roseland Theater
10.21.14 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall
10.22.14 - San Luis Obispo, CA - SLO Brewing
10.23.14 - Los Angeles, CA - The Troubadour
10.24.14 - San Diego, CA - The Casbah
10.25.14 - Phoenix, AZ - The Crescent Ballroom
10.26.14 - Albuquerque, NM - The Launchpad
10.28.14 - Dallas, TX - Trees
10.29.14 - Austin, TX - Mohawk
10.30.14 - Houston, TX - Warehouse Live - Studio
10.31.14 - New Orleans, LA - Voodoo Fest
11.01.14 - Pensacola, FL - Vinyl Music Hall
11.02.14 - Gainesville, FL - The Wooly
11.03.14 - Jacksonville, FL - Jack Rabbit’s
11.04.14 - Orlando, FL - The Social
11.05.14 - Ft. Lauderdale, FL - The Culture Room
11.06.14 - Tampa, FL - Orpheum Theater
11.08.14 - Atlanta, GA - The Loft at Center Stage
11.09.14 - Birmingham, AL - Zydeco

• Melvins: http://www.melvins.com
• Ipecac: http://www.ipecac.com

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