Mastodon head to Europe for Festival of the Mastodon, discover that no such thing exists, play at other festivals instead

Mastodon head to Europe for Festival of the Mastodon, discover that no such thing exists, play at other festivals instead

Break in half the swine, the Festival of the Mastodon has arrived! Much as we do every year, we drink the mead and burn the fire bright, in order to pay tribute to the hefty beast. Take my hand, brother, it is time to rejoice. Slap! That’s me slapping your hand! You idiot, the Festival of the Mastodon isn’t a real thing! Mastodons are dead and they ain’t never coming back. Only backwoods country rubes believe in the Festival of the Mastodon. Yeah, only real… oh. Hi, Mastodon, the metal band from Atlanta, Georgia who put out The Hunter (TMT Review) via Reprise in 2011! What are you guys doing here? Here for the… oh. The Festival of the Mastodon. Yeah. Well… um… about that. It… doesn’t exist.

Now that Mastodon have thrashed me into pulp, as aided by their impressive neck tattoos, they’re off to Europe. Some would say they’re looking for the true Festival of the Mastodon. Shame, since, Europe or no Europe, that’s still just a thing I made up. Ah well, they’ll be okay; I hear they’re going to play a million other festivals instead. Honestly, they’re playing so many European festivals, it appears that they will eventually run out of Europe and be forced to play a pair of Canadian festivals. Godspeed, you lovable titans.

Mastodon dates:

05.25.12 - Lisbon, Portugal - Bela Vista Park (Rock in Rio Lisbon)
05.26.12 - Madrid, Spain - Getafe Sonisphere
05.27.12 - Landgraaf, Holland - Pinkpop Festival
05.28.12 - Werchter, Belgium - Boutique Festival
05.30.12 - Yverdon, Switzerland - Sonisphere at Rives du Lac
06.01.12 - Bavaria, Germany - Rock in Park Clubstage
06.02.12 - Nurburgring, Germany - Rock Am Ring Clubstage
06.03.12 - Warsaw, Poland - Ursynalia Festival
06.06.12 - Horsens, Denmark - Open Air
06.07.12 - Sölvesborg, Sweden - Sweden Rock Festival
06.08.12 - Zagreb, Croatia - Rokaj Festival
06.09.12 - Muenster, Germany - Vainstream Festival
06.10.12 - Nickelsdorf, Austria - Nova Rock Festival
06.13.12 - Bergen, Norway - Bergen Calling
06.15.12 - Copenhagen, Denmark - Copenhall Festival
06.16.12 - Gothenburg, Sweden - Metaltown
06.17.12 - Seinäjoki, Finland - Provinssirock
06.19.12 - Tallinn, Estonia - Rock Cafe
06.20.12 - Riga, Latvia - Palladium
06.23.12 - Roeser, Luxembourg - Rock A Field Festival
06.24.12 - Eindhoven, Holland - Effenaar
06.25.12 - Amsterdam, Holland - Melkweg Max
06.27.12 - Rome, Italy - Atlantico
06.29.12 - Werchter, Belgium - Rock
06.30.12 - Belfort, France - Eurokennes
07.14.12 - Ottawa, ON - Ottawa Bluesfest
07.15.12 - Quebec, QC - Festival D’Ete Quebec
08.25.12 - Reading, UK - Reading Festival
08.26.12 - Leeds, UK - Leeds Festival

• Mastodon:
• Reprise:

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