New Pornographers to Tour, But Probably Not Anywhere Near Where You Live Unless You’re Paul Hogan or Something; Lazy Writers Forced to Revert to Previous Australia Stock Joke Following Steve Irwin’s Death
The New Pornographers are to tour Australia next month amid huge protests, after successfully waging their war of terror across the entire North American continent.
"Tests have shown this new pornography to be up to 50% hornier than traditional pornography, and as much as 65% steamier," Helen Coonan, Minister for Communications, Information Technology and the Arts, said. "We Australians are a simple folk with traditional values - we have no desire to see this in our country." Several family-values groups have already begun to campaign against the tour, imploring Australian citizens to think of the children. "BAN THIS SICK FILTH," ran Tuesday's headline in The Daily Telegraph.
The New Pornographers, including Dan "The Man Juice" Bejar, Neko "Dicks A-Plenty" Case, and "Long" John Collins once reduced an entire Midwestern town to a wild orgy of psychotic fappery after a recent show, which according to eyewitnesses, involved "towering spooge cannons," "knee-high waders covered in barbed wire," and "a goat."
The band is also playing one date in Spain and two dates in Japan in January. Tiny Mix Tapes advises exercising extreme caution and plenty of lubricant:
12.02.06 - Barcelona, SP - CCIB (w/ Teenage Fanclub, The Wrens, The Rapture)
12.08.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Meredith Music Festival
12.11.06 - Sydney, AUS - Factory
12.12.06 - Adelaide, AUS - Governor Hindmarsh
12.13.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Prince of Wales
12.14.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Prince of Wales
12.15.06 - Sydney, AUS - Gaelic Club
12.16.06 - Brisbane, AUS - Alfred?s Block Party
01.18.07 - Osaka, JAP - Club Quatro
01.19,07 - Tokyo, JAP - Shibuya O-East
Hot on the heels of the recent news of The Decemberists' slightly underhanded and sordid tactics to keep themselves in the media spotlight, Stephen Malkmus (formerly of Pavement – duh) and his band of Jicks have also announced 2007 dates. Now, in their former guise, this would have meant an almighty task for the Jicks, as they were a mere four in number, meaning an almost inconceivable workload of 500 dates apiece. However, according to recent reports, the Jicks are being bolstered by Janet Weiss, formerly of Quasi and Sleater-Kinney, thus giving the already-overworked permanent Jicks some small relief from the undoubtedly ambitious schedule ahead of the band.
These dates will focus on the West Coast before finally ending at a large festival in "America's Wang." That's what we Britishers like to call Florida, folks!
01.05.07 - San Francisco, CA - Bimbo's
01.09.07 - Tucson, AZ - Plush
01.10.07 - Tempe, AZ - Marquee Theatre
01.11.07 - Flagstaff, AZ - Orpheum Theatre
01.14.07 - Sacramento, CA - Harlow's
01.17.07 - Bellingham, WA - Nightlight
01.18.07 - Vancouver, British Columbia - Richard's on Richards
03.09.07 - Sunrise, FL - Langerado Music Festival
Let's face it. I don't know much about ballet, and I'm not that cool. However, I am familiar with The White Stripes. Occasionally, while crying over a custom Jack White monster-ballad and a chilled bottle of Riesling, I find myself pondering what is missing in my life.
The answer is simple. The White Stripes music should be interpreted through ballet. This makes more sense than "buying the world a Coke." That was a dumb idea! Mr. White, what good would be done by buying every human being a Coke? What the world needs is a bad-ass ballet. And as I predicted, there will be a bad-ass ballet.
The ballet, set to the music of The White Stripes, is titled Chroma, and it is currently running at the Royal Opera House until November 29. The performance is part of a triple bill called "Royal Ballet," choreographed by Wayne McGregor. The performance was written by composer Joby Talbot, a former member of pop band The Divine Comedy.
The songs used in the ballet are from the newly released album Aluminium, which is an album of avant-garde orchestral recordings of past songs written by the Jack-meister himself. The only thing that confuses me about the whole thing is how the ballerinas and ballerina-dudes are going to perform "The Hardest Button to Button" while wearing spandex. I need spandex with buttons for this to make any logical sense.
In other "Jack White's life is more awesome than your life" news, The Raconteurs will have their own Saturday morning cartoon show on The Cartoon Network called, Broken Boy Soldiers Extreme Environmental Team to the Max!! Also there will be a car wash opening in Spokane, WA that will be based on the musical catalog of The White Stripes. The most amazing part of all of this will be that you can get your hair cut while you get your car washed. A stylist will hop right into your car while you both jam and clip to White Blood Cells. The car wash is aptly titled, "A Car Wash Where You Can Get Your Hair Cut While Your Car is Being Washed, and Somehow This Is All Based on the Music of The White Stripes."
Hey, that was all a joke. If you believed any of that, you might as well just kill yourself now. Wait! The part about the ballet was true. I hope you didn't kill yourself. Reader? READER??
Weird Weeds Embark On Totalitarian West Coast Tour, Replicate Same Pose in Every Restaurant to Wild Applause
Weird Weeds have had enough of you kids. Always "playing music," "hanging out," never getting any honest work done - probably the type who would wait until two in the morning to write a news article that needed to be posted at eight the following morning! Such laziness borders on disrespect! Although I'm sure this hypothetical newswriter would be very sorry for his actions and would make it a point to promptly write all necessary articles in the future, Weird Weeds have no pity for him or any of his kind [editor's note: same here].
Therefore, necessity demands that Weird Weeds will be going on tour this winter in support of Weird Feelings [TMT Review], backed up by members of the UCLA campus police. Anyone caught at any of these shows with any of the following will be subjected to punishment within reason - reason, UCLA campus police style!
- Poor posture
- Fingernail polish
- Menthol cigarettes
- Cinnamon gum
- Asymmetrical hairstyles
- The Flu
- Hoodie strings of uneven length
- Brown shoes w/ black pants
- Black shoes w/ brown pants
Additionally, whispering, cracking knuckles, and/or nodding heads are also strictly prohibited. That being said, have fun!
11.26.06 - Fort Worth, TX - The Chatroom @
11.28.06 - Albuquerque, NM - Burt's Tiki Lounge #
11.29.06 - Phoenix, AZ - The Trunk Space
11.30.06 - Los Angeles,CA - The Smell
12.01.06 - San Francisco, CA - Hemlock Tavern $
12.02.06 - Portland, OR - Holocene %
12.03.06 - Olympia, WA - Le Voyeur
12.04.06 - Vancouver, BC - The Lamplighter
12.05.06 - Seattle, WA - Sunset Tavern ^
12.07.06 - Oakland, CA - 21 Grand &
12.08.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Il Corral *
12.09.06 - Phoenix, AZ - Stinkweeds
12.14.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's ~
@ = w/ The Theater Fire
# = w/ The Lowlights
$ = w/ Moggs & Ferocious Eagle
% = w/Music Population & Mise en Abyme
^ = w/The Dead Science
& = w/Tarnation, Breezy Days Band & Jana Hunter
* = w/Brother Mitya, Bavab Bavab & The Vaginals
~ = w/ Shapes & Sizes
Think you got what it takes to something something? Have skills but never had the something to something something? Well Dischord's got something for you. With a li'l help from its friends (Inner Ear Studios and Ruffman Records/Swim-Two-Birds Studio), Dischord is offering free recording sessions at Inner Ear Studio to bands/projects in the DC area who are studio virgins.
Here are three examples of what bands might/should look like, along with studio virgin probability:
1. Bleeding Love on the Empty Canvas (80% studio virgin probability)
2. Topps Trading Cards (95% studio virgins, excluding middle dude)
3. Good, No Great Penmanship (63% studio virgins probability)
Applicants must live in the DC area, play original music, and contain 50% members who are 18 or younger. Because it wasn't indicated, there doesn't seem to be any sex or race restrictions (weird). Sessions, engineered by Hugh McElroy, last only five hours, so you better either be improv-based or you best know your shit. Wouldn't it be funny if all the applicants were noise acts? Man, I'd love to be there to see the look on their faces when a noise act starts playing! They'd all be like "Whaaaa??!!?" Looking at each other in astonishment and shit! Haha! Damn, too bad I have to work.
Click here for more info.
So the Antipodean, gravelly-voiced, Kylie-killer has decided to form a new band called Grinderman. As new band names go, it's probably better than The Good, The Bad and The Queen, but the personnel doesn't really stack up. When you form a supergroup, you're meant to collect some really tight musicians from other bands and strike out for glory in bloated pretension. However, in his wisdom, Cave has just chosen three of the Bad Seeds and claimed that their new sound would be different enough that it makes no difference.
To be fair, he has a point. Go to their Myspace page (if you're into that sort of thing; personally I can't stand it any longer) to sample a new track entitled, rapturously, "No Pussy Blues." According to this other website I saw, Grinderman will make their debut at ATP in April.
Rumours of a guest appearance in Kylie's revitalised Showgirl tour are, as-yet, unconfirmed.
Just in time for Christmas is the perfect gift for sandbox-slumming, wannabe firemen/fire women everywhere... the 1966 Brian Wilson action figure is finally here! Gone are the days when you had to sit, get stoned, and MacGyver a makeshift toy Wilson out of a potato, steel wool, and the power cable from a nearby lamp when you wanted to play rock-star dolls with your friends. You'll be able to bend him into a fetal position, spritz him with water, and sit him on top of your girlfriend's vibrator to simulate the shaking, sweating, neurotic Brian of days gone by. You can channel your aggressions into Brian by making him lose his marbles over the 42nd take of "Wind Chimes," fret over Phil Spector stealing songs from his mind, and generally refuse to record unless the vibes are positive. Really, is there anything this Brian Wilson doll can't do? (Answer: it probably won't get you laid.)
Okay, as far as recent patents go, it's not the most original (this is), but as doll designer (wha?) Mark London rightly states, "Hey, who wouldn't want a little 1966 Brian Wilson watching over their record collection or their recording studio?!" Duh. Everyone loves Brian Wilson, so expect these to sell like little deuce coupes. There is a limited run of 300 dolls that come autographed by the man himself, for the low, low price of $150, while regular "basic" figures sell for 75 smackers. The doll is available at Wilson's official website and at the two remaining shows on the current "Pet Sounds 40th Anniversary" tour, both in New York City:
11.21.06 - New York, NY – Beacon Theatre
11.22.06 - New York, NY – Beacon Theatre
In other BW news, according to Daily Variety, a Wilson biopic is in the works that has Wilson's approval and song rights secured, with cooperation from producer Mark Gordon (Saving Private Ryan) and longtime band biographer and friend David Leaf. We're just keeping our fingers crossed that the end result surpasses the made-for-tv movie Summer Dreams or Matt Dillon's thinly-veiled pastiche in Grace of My Heart.
Mike Love, not war... buy a doll.
Universal Sues MySpace, Brings Confetti and Party Streamers Because As Universal Always Says, “Litigation can be boring, but it doesn’t have to be!”
Vivendi's Universal Music Group announced last Friday (November 17) that it is suing MySpace, which is owned by one of the world's largest media conglomerates, News Corporation. The infringement lawsuit is seeking damages of $150,000 per infringing track, audio or video. Let me restate that in proper TMT format: UNIVERSAL MUSIC GROUP, THE LARGEST MUSIC GROUP IN THE WORLD, IS SEEKING DAMAGES OF $150,000 PER TRACK!! AHHH!!!
So let's do some math. According to recent reports, MySpace has an estimated 106 million accounts. To be conservative, let's say only 30% of those accounts are active. Of that 30%, let's estimate a measly 1% of users uploaded one infringing track owned by Universal. If Universal wins this lawsuit, this would mean 318,000 users would cost MySpace $47.7 BILLION. Holy shit!
Obviously what Universal's seeking isn't so much a settlement, but leverage to negotiate. As Jeff Leeds from The New York Times said, "If Universal can win in court, it is likely to gain leverage in negotiating licensing terms with user-driven services — just at the moment that those services are attracting deep-pocketed partners."
Universal isn't sucking up to the user-generated communities in order to get paid; it's using power politics for control. Just last month, Universal chief executive Doug Morris' public condemnation of YouTube helped the group land a sweet licensing deal just before YouTube was sold to Google, and it also recently filed claims against video-sharing sites like Bolt and Grouper Networks. (On a side note, Universal recently worked out a deal with Microsoft to receive $1 for every Zune sold.)
MySpace has already called the litigation "unnecessary" and "meritless," stating that it is in full compliance with the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. Furthermore, MySpace separately announced last Friday that it plans to use a new tool to allow copyright owners like Universal to "flag" copyrighted content, which would then be removed. "We provide users with tools to share their own work — we do not induce, encourage, or condone copyright violation in any way," stated MySpace. What, don't they like confetti!?
In other news, MySpace's content is all produced in sweatshops, but you didn't see that on the political agenda earlier this month, did you? Bullshit I say!
Bet you thought you had the upper hand on EMI, didn't you? You clever little Sony Acid Pro superstar! Well, serves you right — they're gonna one-up your garbage mix of Eric Clapton's "I Shot The Sheriff" vs. Wolf Eyes' "Stabbed In The Face" with an official album of mash-ups by the notorious, world-renowned Go Home Productions.
Okay, so I hadn't heard of Go Home Productions before either. But apparently Mark Vidler must have given those sexy EMI execs some very good cunningulus/fellatio action, as he gets the official "it's okay" stamp of approval for his album of synchronized songs.
The album, the aptly titled Mashed, is set to feature such pairings as Blondie with The Doors, Kelis with Duran Duran, and my personal favorite, Iggy Pop with Peggy Lee. This CD will be different than the "usual" mashup stuff, as it won't be as heavily dance-influenced, a la 2manydjs or Danger Mouse. Instead, it will just be a bunch of songs you already know being played at the same time.
But man, what an awe-inspiring album title. I feel a little ripped off, though, as I was planning on naming my new potato concept album Mashed, and now I'm left holding the bag.
You maniacs! You ruined everything! Damn you, Go Home Productions! Damn you all to hell!
Nobody on the road. No one's even on the beach. And the fucking Eagles signed a goddamned deal with Wal-Mart. I knock on your door. I know nobody's home. Your gramma calls it Wally World. But, damn girl. I can still see your brown skin shining in the sun. You had those sunglasses on. Shit. Goddamned hair combed straight fucking back. Remember when Dylan signed that one deal with Starbucks? Public Enemy with Best Buy? Sounds like an industry trend. Take note. I can't tell you I'll still be in love with you, though, after those dudes are gone. What does that even mean? Corporate goat fuck. Is that a fucking Dead Head sticker on a Cadillac? God's miserable teeth! This isn't even an Eagle’s song! Corporate goat fuck. Industry trend! Shining in the sun!