DND Chat Transcript: The iTunion Deearem Freedom Campaign Part Two

GameMaster: As you know from our last campaign, the iTunions freed the EMI Major Labelus songlings from the cursed Deearem, which prevented the songlings from being transferred, burnt, and copied under certain restrictions. This was annoying for the users and has sparked a flame within the capitol.

Indey Labelus: The capitol being the Music Industry?

GameMaster: Correct. Now let me set the scene. Indey, you are at the capitol and you are next in line for the freeing of the dreaded Deearem from your body. You step up to the throne and before you stands Emperor Stevus Jobes. He speaks to you.

Steveus Jobes: By all that is iHoly! It is so exciting to see you before me today! I know that not all of your brethren in iTunia will be joining you, but you represent a large chunk of Indyland, so most of you will be free of Deearem, and I will bless everyone with a ninety-nine centia price tag.

GameMaster: Steveus Jobes casts Deearemfreedomus; he rolls a 17. I need you to roll to absorb the spell.

[Indey Rolls]

[Indey Rolls a 20]

Indey Labelus: Fuck yes!

GameMaster: Dude, don't be lame -- stay in character, no meta-game thinking or speaking! Your character would not say "fuck yes."

Indey Labelus: Least I'm free of Deearem! Oh man, brb -- my mom just came downstairs and told me the pizza is here. I'm gonna go grab a slice.

[Indey Labelus is AFK]

GLOSSARY:

Deearem - DRM, Digital Rights Management. Bullshit pieces of code that
prevent you from fully enjoying music you've legally purchased.

iTunion, iTunia - iTunes

Indey Labelus - Indie Labels

Stevus Jobes - Steve Jobs

GameMaster - Guy who runs Dungeons and Dragons campaigns. Sometimes known as a Dungeon Master.

Songlings - Songs

AFK - Away from keyboard. World of Warcrack players use this a lot.

"By all that is iHoly" - Typical expression when Apple addicts cream
themselves for shit like the iPhone. These same people whip out their
iPhone at every opportune time.

Apostle of Hustle, Hallelujah!

I shifted my weight in the pew, eyes downcast, restless hands folding and unfolding the Sunday bulletin. All around me, aging folk seeking redemption were trying desperately to stay awake. Little boys played with the laces of their dress shoes and teenage girls chewed gum with expressions of uttermost boredom. An old man next to me smiled contently, doing a crossword puzzle he hid between the pages of his hymnal.

My eyes followed the curve of the stained glass window toward the pulpit, when something I'd heard peaked my interest; I listened as the bespectacled priest began to read from a leather bound Bible of foreboding proportion.

"And the Apostle of Hustle shall tour the United States through the months of October and November in the year of our Lord 2007. And with him shall follow those who are honest and good in all that they Do Make Say Think--"

And that's when I offered my soul to the devil in exchange for a pair of tickets and a backstage pass.

* Do Make Say Think

It’s a Mitzvah! Yo La Tengo to Celebrate the Festival of Lights in Grand Style

I have no doubt the boys and girl of Yo La Tengo are cognizant of Judah the Maccabee’s miraculous revolt and victory against the Hellenistic Syrians around 165 B.C.E., and that, when the Temple was rededicated, the one cruse of sacramental oil miraculously burned for eight days. But methinks their decision to celebrate the “lesser” Jewish festival has less of a historical significance vibe to it and more of a gift-giving and pleasure-seeking motive. Yes, for the fifth time in seven years, Hoboken’s dearest will play eight days of shows at Maxwell’s in Hoboken at the beginning of December to celebrate the eight days of Hanukkah. The shows have become as much a holiday tradition as sitting around eating latkes and spinning the dreidel due to the motley nature of the band’s daily sets and the variety of the special guests that participate every night. Exactly who these guests will be this year will remain a mystery until they take to the stage. As the band explains on their website and MySpace page:

As in the past, each show will begin with an opening band, followed by some comedy, and then a Yo La Tengo set. And perhaps more. That’s all we’re going to tell you, so don’t ask who’s playing. We can guarantee that it’ll be great, and that no matter what night you’re there, you’ll wish you had come another night instead. That’s just the way you are; there’s nothing we can do about that.” Past musical and comedy acts have been heavy hitters (for example, 2005’s shows included sets by Tortoise, Sun Ra Arkestra, Half Japanese, Eugene Mirman, Demetri Martin, etc.) so if you don’t want to miss an historic concert just camp out in Maxwell’s dumpster and attend all eight days.

Yo La Tengo’s Hanukkah tenancy runs from the 24th of Kislev (December 4) to the 2nd of Tevet (December 11). Additionally, the band is playing the Manifest Festival in Mexico City this coming weekend, a one-off show in November with Broken Social Scene at Cornell University, and will play on stage with Buckwheat Zydeco on November 7 in New York in celebration of Todd Haynes’ forthcoming Dylan flick I’m Not There. And there’s also the “Freewheeling Yo La Tengo Tour” which continues in Philadelphia tonight. This tour is “a rare opportunity to see this ever-surprising band in a setting more intimate and interactive than any tour in their 23-year career. A little bit Storytellers, a little bit Unplugged, with a soupcon of their famously varied Hanukkah shows, it will feature the band playing an almost-acoustic set of songs from their entire catalog, with stories about their life as a band, and an encouraged back-and-forth with the audience. Already famous for never playing the same show twice, this fresh look at Yo La Tengo offers rare insight into one of the most important, unique, and beloved bands in American rock.

Couldn’t have said it better myself

10.22.07 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church Sanctuary *#
10.23.07 - Alexandria, VA - The Birchmere *#
10.27.07 - Mexico City, Mexico - Manifest Festival
10.29.07 - Portland, OR - The Aladdin Theater *
10.30.07 - Seattle, WA - Town Hall *$
11.01.07 - San Francisco, CA - Palace of Fine Arts *%
11.03.07 - Hollywood, CA - Ivar Theatre *
11.04.07 - La Jolla, CA - Museum of Contemporary Art, Sherwood Auditorium *
11.07.07 - New York, NY - Beacon Theatre (playing with Buckwheat Zydeco) +
11.10.07 - North Adams, MA - MASS MoCA, Hunter Center *
11.11.07 - Ithaca, NY - Cornell University, Barton Hall ^
11.15.07 - Boston, MA - Museum of Fine Arts (2 shows, 6:30 & 9:30) *
12.04-11.07 Hoboken, NJ - Maxwell’s

* “The Freewheeling Yo La Tengo Tour,”
# Jack Rose

$ Sir Richard Bishop

% Jonathan Richman

+ I’m Not There: In Concert w/Calexico, Cat Power, The Roots, My Morning Jacket, J Mascis, and many more

^ Broken Social Scene

A Very Modest Mouse Tour; Kahooga! I Write For Tiny Mix Tapes, I’m Rich Now!

by Luke Lindberg (age 12), brother of Emceegreg

You may think Modest Mouse started out like every other band, starting out just like everyone else. But what you think is wrong, it is so wrong, that it’s crazy just thinking about it. It all started several years ago in a galaxy far, far away......

A man named Issac Timalolo, searching for the perfect pet for Timalolo's girlfriend, Karen Odelaufph, who wanted one dearly. Timalolo was about to give up until he saw this extremely small mouse in the back of a animal store reading to a group of orphans. He ran in as fast as he could and asked the mouse, "What is your name?"

The mouse looked up to him and said, "The name's Modest."

"Would you like to come home with me? I have a girlfriend that would take care of you."

Modest accepted, he was getting bored reading to orphans all day. For many days Issac and Modest would become best friends and hang out all the time. One day while everyone was asleep, he crept into the basement after Issac said don't go in. When he was down there he found something so beautiful to him that a tear fell from his face while looking at it. It was a..... keyboard. He walked towards it, confused and frightened at the same time. He then jumped on the instrument. He accidently hit one of the keys, and was delighted with the sound. He played all night until Issac caught him in the morning.

"Modest, what are you doing up so early in the morning?"

Modest replied in high expression, "Can you teach me how to play this marvelous machine?" Then after that point, Issac taught Modest lesson, then soon after they would go on musical gigs together as the Human and Mouse Band. Becoming famous in over a zillion states. But several months later, Modest the mouse died from old age. Issac was devastated. But he wanted to continue the band in memory of Modest. He hired many musicians to help him fill in band members. While they were practicing, one of the band members asked "Is The Human and Mouse Band sound right now since there's no mouses and we’re all... you know... human?"

Issac was confused. "You think we should change it?" Issac said. They all agreed, They all thought real hard until Issac said "I know! What about Modest Mouse?" All the band members all agreed upon it. And from that day the band would be known as Modest Mouse. To honor the mouse that gave them hearts and showed them how to love, and also have the ability to talk, play the keyboard, and most of all, read to orphans. Modest the mouse.

The End?

Modest Tourdates:

[This news story is part of our Take Your Kids to Work Day special]

KISS Hates You

by Thomas Cadmus (age 13), cousin of Chadwicked
1994 was a tough time for KISS fans around the world when the band started to change. The band started to stop with their man-makeup and costumes with holes so you can see their hairy chests. “Lick It Up” was their first CD with leather jackets and pants, ones with no holes so you don’t have to look at the forest of hair that fans oddly loved.

In the '80s, Simmons seemed to forget about the band. He wanted a film career. The band already lost their identity and fan base. Gene was the main reason KISS was the big thing in the '70s. Once he stopped being the demon, he stopped being Gene.

Okay let’s fast forward things to around ten years later, skipping the tragedy of Eric Carr and the bringing in of Eric Singer. It’s June 1994, KISS starts to pick up steam. Kiss My Ass: Classic KISS Regrooved comes out. It featured artists like Lenny Kravitz, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, and Garth Brooks. Now they’re heading downhill, towards their, well, break-up-ette.

Fans around the globe get depressed. To make themselves feel better they create tribute bands, wearing the same makeup and costumes that show your body hair and ride up on your crotch. They performed at KISS conventions and created nostalgia for the '70s KISS lineup. It seemed to have worked, because in 1996, KISS returned.

KISS Loves You starts in 1994 when KISS was at an all time low. But when they did return, KISS brought some unforeseen costs. The DVD will be released November 20th. The DVD comes with some rare treats like Stockholm 1976. The bonus materials will be enough to make any KISS fan jump. It includes never-before-seen silent Super-8 film of KISS in Stockholm 1976; extensive footage from the 1996 KISS press conference USS Intrepid; the “Beyond Vaudeville” KISS spectacular program; and 90 minutes, yes that’s 90 minutes, of outtakes from the film. Wow.

There you go KISS fans, hope you don’t work on November 20. Have fun and happy watching.

[This news story is part of our Take Your Kids to Work Day special]

Feeling Stronger? Kanye Is.

by Alyssa Coscarelli (age 14), sister of Joseph Coscarelli

That’s right! Mr. West is back on the charts and going on tour with his third album, Graduation. He kicked off his bangin’ tour this Friday, October 12. As for the charts, Kanye’s been stuck at Number 2, “YOUUUU”-ed right out of the way by Soulja Boy’s “Crank Dat (Soulja Boy).”

I say, for Kanye’s gold diggin’ standards, this album about "Drunk and Hot Girls" and "Barry Bonds" is just “aight.” I don’t ask for much. All I wanted in his new album was something to sing in the shower as I pretend to rap. But, to tell you the truth, the words “harder, better, faster, stronger” don’t quite cut it.

To sum it all up, Kanye hasn’t quite graduated the Class of 2007. But, if you must be a supporter of Mr. West, go see him as he embarks on his world tour...

Whatever makes you stronger.

Tourdates:
10.30.07 - San Diego, CA - 4th & B
10.12.07 - Nashville, TN - Vanderbilt University
10.17.07 - Vancouver, British Columbia - General Motors Palace
10.18.07 - Winnipeg, Manitoba - MTS Center
10.19.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Wachovia Center
10.26.07 - Dubai Country Club - Dubai
10.29.07 - Boston, MA - TD Banknorth Garden
11.11.07 - Miami, FL - Bayfront Park Amphitheatre
11.17.07 - Paris, France - Zenith
11.18.07 - Brussels, Belgium - Forest National
11.19.07 - Amsterdam, Netherlands - Heineken Music Hall
11.22.07 - London, England - 02 Arena
11.24.07 - Brighton, England - Brighton Centre
11.25.07 - Bournemouth, England - Bournemouth International Conference Center
11.26.07 - Nottingham, England - Nottingham
11.27.07 - Cardiff, England - Cardiff International Arena
11.30.07 - Dublin, Ireland - Phoenix Park
11.1.07 - Belfast, Ireland - Odyssey Arena

[This news story is part of our Take Your Kids to Work Day special]

Björk Releases New Avatars, Extends Töur; Smjörið er brætt og hveitið smátt og smátt hrært út í það, þangað til það er gengið upp í smjörið.

Hi ya'll! Björk is extendin' her tour! Yay! Forum avatars for everyone!!!!!!!11

The butter is melted and the flour stirred into it slowly but surely, until it has blended with the butter:

* Big Day Out Festival

$ Sydney Festival

Now is the Winter of Our Discounted Castanets; Raposa To Hit the Road

Having the memory of an elephant can be a truth-telling bitch at times and a godsend at others. There are too many embarrassing nights I wish I could block out of my mind. On the plus side, I can remember everything about my Grade 7 French teacher, Madame (Mme.) Menard. She was a young-ish, beautiful, new teacher who taught for the love of the language and was serious as a heart attack (10 cent line of the day) and hell-bent on turning the class into Francophones by the end of the year. In fact the only cracks in her prim and proper exterior appeared, infrequently, when a funny part of what we were reading made her chuckle (she would let out a “Woopalai!” or “Oiyoiyoiyoiyoi...!” while we sat stone-faced in front of her) and, often, when a particular story, poem, or image moved her to tears. During these emotionally charged times, she would stop, bow her head a little, and say, “it ‘urts my ‘eart.” Needless to say, the gang of clowns to which I belonged latched onto the pensive, lovely phrase like a baby to a teat and used it for EVERYTHING. A girl looks super hot in crazy tight jeans? “Ooh, it ‘urts my ‘eart.” Someone got bagged in dodgeball? “Ouch, it ‘urts my ‘eart.” Someone let out a disgusting fart during gym class? “Ewwuuch, it ‘urts my ‘eart.”

I can appreciate Mme.’s catchphrase now that I’m older. If it didn’t sound so ridiculously faux-French, I would have used it when my son smiled, babbled, or crawled for the first time, when the Ottawa Senators made it to the Stanley Cup Finals last year (despite getting their asses handed to them by Anaheim), and whenever I have listened to Castanets. Ray Raposa and his rotating band of romantics will be breakin’ hearts (definitely) and takin’ names (why not?) starting tomorrow at the SUNY campus in Purchase, New York, just in time for the release of his new album In the Vines on October 23

10.19.07 - Purchase, NY - SUNY Purchase
10.20.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda’s
10.21.07 - Washington, DC - The Red and Black
10.23.07 - Williamsburg, VA - William and Mary College *
10.24.07 - Chapel Hill, NC - Nightlight
10.25.07 - Montreat, NC - Montreat College
10.26.07 - Athens, GA - The Secret Squirrel
10.28.07 - Lexington, KY - Icehouse
10.27.07 - Knoxville, TN - the Pilot Light
10.29.07 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle #
10.30.07 - Grinnell, IA - Bob’s Underground (Grinnell College)
10.31.07 - Indianapolis, IN - The Underground *
11.01.07 - Bloomington, IN - The Cinemat
11.03.07 - Toronto, Ontario - Whippersnapper Gallery
11.07.07 - Portland, ME - Space Gallery
11.08.07 - Somerville, MA - P.A.’s Lounge
11.09.07 - Annandale-on-Hudson, NY - Bard College
11.10.07 - Ithaca, NY - Cornell University
11.11.07 - Lancaster, PA - The Sugar Tank

* Cryptacize

# Tunng

Raposa will release In the Vines thorough the Asthmatic Kitty label. Partly inspired by “a Hindu fable about being trapped in an inescapable fate, with death and he limitations of our physical lives closing in from all corners,” it is safe to day that In the Vines is destined to be another engaging and vital listen. Thankfully “it ‘urts my ‘eart” that the man does not seem capable of disappointing people with his records.

In the Vines:

1. Rain Will Come
2. This Is the Early Game
3. Westbound, Blue
4. Strong Animal
5. Sway
6. The Fields Crack
7. Three Months Paid
8. The Night Is When You Can Not See
9. Sounded like a Train, Wasn’t a Train
10. And the Swimming

RZA Raises Motherfucking Ruckus at Celebrity Chess Tournament; Wu-Tang CANCELS Tour

Fuck the new Wu-Tang album, fuck the new Ghostface album, and fuck the noise regarding the release dates. It's time for RZA to shine! The Hip-Hop Chess Foundation (HHCF) has just announced RZA as the winner of the 1st Annual Chess Kings Invitational Champion Belt. Part of an effort to raise money for the HHCF Education Scholarship Fund, RZA beat out eight other participants, including GZA, Sunspot Jonz (Living Legends), Ralek Gracie, Paris, Amir Sulaiman, and Casual (Hieroglyphics). The final match was between GZA and fellow Wu-Tang member Monk.

Combined, the volunteering artists helped the HHCF raise $10,000 in educational scholarships, which were awarded to the participants from Oakland's Unity High, Youth Uprising, San Francisco's O'Connell High and Muhammad University of Islam. Fucking awesome!

Random chess tip: The best way to play aggressively is start with 1.e4 as white and play an open game. As black, defend 1.e4 with 1....e5 and defend the Ruy Lopez. Against 1.d4 play 1...d5 2. c4 d:c4 the Queen's Gambit Accepted.

UPDATE: Wu-Tang have canceled their upcoming tour!! Ghostface Killah's dates are still on though. Raise the motherfucking ruckus, indeed.