Like free music? On April 14 (maybe April 15 in the U.S.?), hand this coupon to a CD store clerk, and you'll instantly receive a free copy of Portishead's new album, THIRD! No hassle, no obligations, no questions asked! The great thing is that this coupon never expires, and it applies to any artist of your choice -- not just Portishead. In fact, this coupon will let you have free music for the rest of your life, as you can use it as many times as you want!
But why stop with music? Going to the supermarket to pickup some bananas? Use the coupon! Co-workers giving you a hard time at work? Dude, use the coupon! Can't quite manage to keep the neighbor kids off your freshly cut lawn?? Use this motherfucking coupon!! It's applicable in virtually every aspect of your life.
Hey, don't take my word for it! Check out these real-life testimonials:
- "Works beautifully. I got a free copy of Metal Machine Music today, and I'll be using it to get rid of this awful itch tomorrow!" - Dave Andrews
- "I was losing faith after I cheated on my husband with his best friend. But now that I have this card, I know what I did was a truly Holy experience. The Lord has risen in coupon form!" - Jessica Trim
- "That Pizza Hut ad on TMT didn't make sense until I used the coupon. And I can tell you now without lying: the ad is making total sense!" - Perry Applebee
- "Pitchfork gave my favorite album of 2007 only a 7.8, but after I used the coupon, it jumped to a solid 8.0! What's more, it was considered Best New Music!!" - Brock Stephenson
We've got it all worked out for you, TMT reader.
Freshly cut dates:
Voiceover: PREVIOUSLY ON LOST [ominous strings followed by explosion]
Jack: [noticing Ben in tree] Who is that? [polar bear attacks]
Ben: What are you doing to me, I'm not one of them!
Sayid: Just keep quiet, you monster.
Ben: My name is Reginald P. Weathertree. I've got three kids and a dog -- last year I took them all on a parachuting vacation and we all parachuted together as a family because I love my family and also I love parachuting so goddamn much.
Sayid [in flashback]: Life in Iraq is difficult, my love, but please accept this parachute as a sign of my love.
Jack: Sayid, NO!
Sayid: I'm letting this man go, Jack. I don't torture innocent men. I won't torture innocent men.
Sayid [in flashback]: Hold still!
Some Iraqi: OWWW!!!
Sayid [staring out to sea as Silver Mt. Zion track plays softly]: I will not torture innocent men [last word echoes as camera zooms out to reveal Jack firing a handgun at two polar bears; Silver Mt. Zion track segues into A-Ha's "Take On Me."]
% Vic Chesnutt
Hi everyone! Welcome to another day at Tiny Mix Tapes, where we strive to provide the most original, creative, and accurate editorial content. Today, we're going to celebrate ME! Why? Well, due to the fact that I've already written two stories on Tokyo Police Club, I now have the option of reposting my favorite moments from those stories (according to Mr P's Big Book of Music Journalism*), and hell if I don't take advantage!
The first greatest hits story is one I wrote while plastered off of two cups of cheap Smirinoff vodka. I'm a lightweight, so please no e-mails about how big of a wuss you think I am!
aTOKTO plice club you standing! there tokyo police club captpuling from a lesson in crime, tokyo poolice club have new story album coming out on coor obersts’ record label!! hahaha i lon’t like birght eye anymore cause i’m not ansgts y steenager and that is totally lame cause my friend, colt kgely, still likes bright eyes. i don’t
Here's my second, not under the influence (though it may read like it!):
My favorite band in the whole wide world just started a fan club, and I’m in it! I get a free t-shirt and a hat and a poster and access to the online forums, and I get to buy front row seats before YOU and I get to read their super secret blog! However, since I’m promoting the fan club, I get to share some secret info with you! You’re soooooo lucky to be reading Tiny Mix Tapes because you know you don’t have enough money to join the fan club and I do cause daddy said I could. ["When you’re standing there/Tokyo Police Club!"] Gawd, I love that song. Such great indie rock goodness with a little pop touch and robot lyrics! So saweet! OMG! I almost like totally forgot about the super secret info from the fan club that YOU ARE NOT IN! Lolz!
There, that took up some space. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed those Greatest Hits News Stories. Look for Tokyo Police Club's debut album, Elephant Shell, due in late April on Saddle Creek/Memphis Industries, and if you want some more information on the indie pop rawk sensation, then you should so check out their website here.
If you've made it this far in the story, then I thank you for re-reading my stories. I know the first time was hard enough. If you've just scrolled down here for the tourdates, then fuck you.
*Mr P's Big Book of Music Journalism is available online at Amazon.com for $59.99. I'd recommend buying it used, but the sad fact is that no one wants to sell this book after they get their mitts on it. "Simply life-changing and inspirational," according to Mr P's own description.
Avey Tare's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear-hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown one, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.
The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death. Or two, we have sex."
Avey bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, walking around like a complete jerkoff, but he eventually recovers and vows revenge.
Avey heads out on another trip to Alaska and finds the black bear and kills it. At that moment, there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
Avey bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting this time, and it takes quite a bit of time to recover. And he's of course outraged!
Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and, after following Paw Tracks for miles, finds the grizzly and shoots him at point-blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find Panda Bear.
Before Panda Bear could say anything, Avey says, "I know the drill, bub... I choose sex." Avey Tare and Panda Bear proceeded to make the most beautiful noise Alaska had ever heard.
Avey started booking dates as soon as the sex stank wore off:
* with Kria Brekkan
Under the advice of doctors, Björk has canceled her Friday Big Day Out appearance in Sydney due to swelling vocal cords following last night's performance at the Sydney Festival. The rest of her tour -- now fleshed out with dates in Korea, Hong Kong, Jakarta, and more -- is fully intact at the moment, but we'll have to wait and see if Björk can make a full recovery before finishing off her first Australian tour in 12 years. We know she will though. She's superhuman.
Big Day Out organizers are offering refunds, despite the 70+ acts scheduled to perform (from Spoon, Arcade Fire, and Battles to Dr. Octagon, Rage Against the Machine, and UNKLE). Silverchair are still on the bill.
And now for an inappropriate, out-of-context Björk quote:
“Football is a fertility festival. Eleven sperm trying to get into the egg. I feel sorry for the goalkeeper.”
* Big Day Out Festival
Thrill Jockey smiled as Boredoms made her way down toward the shore. Her long, dark hair hung loosely over her shoulders, with her perfectly toned body gleaming in the sunlight. For a moment, Thrill thought he might stop breathing if Boredoms didn't stop running. Dipping her toes in the water, Boredoms deemed it warm enough and made her way out to him, with a smile spread across her glossy lips.
"How are you liking the water?" Boredoms asked, as she reached Thrill.
"It's getting kinda hot actually," he said smiling at her, as she bobbed up and down in front of him.
"You know, if we weren't in public, I'd probably do you right now!" said Thrill jokingly.
"Why don't you?" she asked, licking her lips seductively. "The sun's going down... no one's on the sand. It's just me, you, and a really great idea."
"Lead the way," Thrill replied with a devilish grin.
As soon as they reached the beach, Boredoms started furiously kissing Thrill. If this was where she wanted it to happen, he sure wasn't going to protest. Slipping his tongue into her mouth, he began to tug at her bottom. She slowly pulled away and took off her bathing suit herself, smiling wickedly as she took his hand and slipped it between her legs. "Better?" she asked before kissing him again. Nodding and caressing his tongue with hers, Thrill slipped his fingers inside Boredoms and slowly began to stroke.
You can hear the rest of this sexy adventure on Boredoms' Super Roots 9 (TMT Review), set for release via Thrill Jockey everywhere outside Japan. Yep, Boredoms finally have a solid U.S. label to call home! The CD will come in a custom, mini-gatefold jacket, accompanied by a "40-page perfect bound booklet with music scores and notations." It'll even be available as a 320 bitrate, DRM-free download! Seriously, Thrill Jockey is the SHIT. Expect more sexy releases from Boredoms and Thrill Jockey in the future.
What a day at the beach:
$ "in the round" (which means you can walk freely around Boredoms as they make some crazy noise)
How to make a Star Finder:
How to play the Star Finder game:
Now play with your Star Finder at rock concerts!
Excepter and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Excepter falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found, so he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to Excepter and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and Excepter were playing in the meadow again, and the chicken fell into the mud hole this time. The chicken yelled to Excepter to go and get some help from the farmer. Excepter said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the story: If you're hung like Excepter, you don't need a BMW to pickup chicks.
The Futureheads Tour the U.K., Are My Second Favorite Active Band with an Obnoxiously Strong British Accent
The first is Art Brut. Now that we've got that out of the way...
The Futureheads have a little treat for all the kids in the U.K. First of all, they're touring the shit out of the place, but they're also offering a free download of each night's rendition of "The Beginning of the Twist," the first single from their upcoming record. Every. Single. Night. This strikes me as great news for the following populations: (a) deranged fans who think that drummer David Hyde's extra high-hat flub at the Oxford Academy show is a sign of the second coming or (b) singer/guitarist Barry Hyde's high school guitar teacher, who will hear him drop a chord in the second verse at the Exeter and consequently leave him a "you naughty, naughty boy" voicemail. Otherwise, I'm not exactly sure who will be downloading nine live versions of the same jam without the context of an entire live show, but hey. If you're one of those people, shoot me an e-mail... I'd love to know how your mind works.
No tour companions yet, but some nice fellow on the band's official site promises they will be "some ‘waxer-belter’ (really great) support bands on the fight-card"! (Sometimes I really don't know what you Brits are talking about. But I like it.)
Bangers and mash, sod off, Chrimbo, other assorted phrases I don't understand, etc.:
Kathy Leodler, a 23-year veteran of the FBI investigating everything from immigration to mail fraud, has signed on as the acting chief of the RIAA’s San Diego office. Bully for her, really, because she’s just the woman the RIAA needs to achieve its goal of stamping out every iota of illegal file-sharing.
Until now, the goal has always seemed just slightly out of reach for the RIAA constantly slipping through the fingers of the dedicated-but-inexperienced staff. With Leodler on the case, the organization can finally earn its keep. Pirates have waited far too long for the other shoe to drop, and I’d like to congratulate Leodler in advance for her swift and inevitable victory.
It will not surprise me if Leodler’s efficiency at her new post elevates her to a status similar to the rock stars she has altruistically vowed to protect, redefining not only the post of acting chief for an RIAA office, but the meaning of law enforcement itself.
As we raise our collective glass to toast Leodler’s inaugural few weeks in the position, I’d like to take a moment to look into the future, when Leodler, on her last day on the job, gets up from her desk and exits her office for the last time, her stoic expression belying the quiet confidence and shark-like detective skills that will no doubt have eliminated file-sharing forever. Cheers, Ms. Leodler.