A kitchen. Carl is cutting carrots. John enters from outside; it's been raining.
Carl: Did you get the carrots?
John: It's raining.
Carl: I can see that. Did you get the carrots?
John: You have carrots.
Carl: But we need more. You didn't get them.
Carl: I asked you to get some...
John: Oh, shut up.
John sits down, picking up a copy of his local indie paper from his chair.
John: Blood Brothers are releasing a new album.
Carl: I know.
John: It's going to be called Young Machetes.
Carl: I know. I've read that paper.
John: It's being released tomorrow. And they're touring at the end of this month. With Trail of Dead.
Carl: Aren't you listening to me? I've read it.
Carl: I slept with Jane last night.
John: Oh, they're not playing anywhere near us.
Carl: We went to Marco's, down the road. I had the omelette. We drank coffee. And then we came back. I took her coat off. She was wearing a dress with a low back. The spotted one. Dammit, are you listening to me?
John: I'm trying to read.
John: Pass me the scissors.
Carl: (worried) Why?
John: I want to cut something out.
Carl slides the scissors slowly across the table. Not taking his eyes away from Carl, John stands, cuts out a square from the newspaper, and pins it to a noticeboard. The piece of paper reads:
"10.27.06 - Denver, CO - Gothic Theatre
10.28.06 - Lawrence, KS - Granada Theatre
10.29.06 - St. Louis, MO - Washington University
10.31.06 - Chicago, IL - House of Blues
11.01.06 - Minneapolis, MN - The Quest
11.02.06 - Milwaukee, WI - The Eagles Club
11.03.06 - Columbus, OH - Newport Music Hall
11.04.06 - Detroit, MI - Majestic Theatre
11.05.06 - Toronto, Ontario - Phoenix
11.06.06 - Montreal, Quebec - La Tulipe
11.08.06 - Boston, MA - Avalon Ballroom
11.09.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Trocadero
11.10.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Trocadero
11.11.06 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza
11.12.06 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza
11.14.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
11.15.06 - Charlotte, NC - Tremont Music Hall
11.16.06 - Atlanta, GA - The Masquerade
11.17.06 - Orlando, FL - The Firestone
11.18.06 - St. Petersburg, FL - Jannus Landing
11.20.06 - New Orleans, LA - House of Blues
11.21.06 - Houston, TX - Warehouse Live
11.22.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's
11.23.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's
11.24.06 - Dallas, TX - Granada
11.25.06 - Lubbock, TX - Jake's Backroom
11.27.06 - Tempe, AZ - Marquee Theatre
11.28.06 - Las Vegas, NV - House of Blues
11.29.06 - San Diego, CA - House of Blues
11.30.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theater
12.01.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theater
12.02.06 - Pomona, CA - Glass House
12.03.06 - Sacramento, CA - Empire
12.05.06 - San Francisco, CA - The Fillmore
12.06.06 - Portland, OR - Crystal Ballroom
12.07.06 - Seattle, WA - Showbox
12.08.06 - Bellingham, WA - Nightlight
12.09.06 - Victoria, British Columbia - Sugar
12.10.06 - Vancouver, British Columbia - Croatian Cultural Centre
12.11.06 - Calgary, Alberta - MacEwan Hall Ballroom
12.12.06 - Edmonton, Alberta - Red's
12.14.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - Avalon Theater"
Carl: Who the hell are Blood Brothers anyway?
John: Fucked if I know. I'm just an angry, dissatisfied, working-class British male with poorly concealed malice towards everyone I know.
Carl: Really? Me too.
Carl: Do you think this is funny yet?
John: Probably not.
"You can make money without doing evil." That's what Google (NASDAQ: GOOG) says. And guess what? Maybe Google's right. While Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) is thumbtacking chairs with its evil, evil ways, Google is instead making some real sound decisions, at least in the business sense. Over the past year, Google has partnered with NASA, News Corp (NYSE: NWS), AOL (NYSE: TWX), and Sun Microsystems (NASDAQ: SUNW) — 'member when it bought Blogger in 2003?
It's true, TMT (NYSE: P4K) readers. Google's RICH!!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Google has money. SO WHAT. Well, it was announced yesterday that Google bought YouTube for $1.65 billion in a stock-for-stock transaction. YouTube will keep its brand name, headquarters, and all its employees, while Google will also retain its own shitty-ass video service for whatever reason. In addition to more technological knowledge and advertising skills, YouTube will likely feature more videos of people searching for things on Google. Which is so exciting that I won't even end this sentence with a period And I'm going to write stuff over here! And I'm not going to even finish th
The deal was announced shortly after YouTube announced partnerships with Universal Music Group, Sony BMG Music Entertainment, and CBS Corp. Just last week, YouTube struck a deal with Warner Music Group (wonder where the fuck's EMI?). Looks like the majors are playing the YouTube game, so you can stop calling YouTube the next Napster. In fact, why don't you just pick up a phone and call ME "napster." I'm lonely. And EVER SO HORNY!!!!
Meanwhile, I just did some research and found out that Google didn't buy YouTube. So nevermind. But here's the first paragraph again, just for fun: "You can make money without doing evil." That's what Google (NASDAQ: GOOG) says. And guess what? Maybe Google's right. While Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) is thumbtacking chairs with its evil, evil ways, Google is instead making some real sound decisions, at least in the business sense. Over the past year, Google has partnered with NASA, News Corp (NYSE: NWS), AOL (NYSE: TWX), and Sun Microsystems (NASDAQ: SUNW) — 'member when it bought Blogger in 2003?
You know how Native Americans used to stick wooden spikes horizontally through their chests and then tie them to a large pole and walk around the pole for days until the spikes burst through their skin? Well, a group of people decided last Friday to do that same thing — but to other people — and through these peoples' temples instead of their chests. Greh, known to most as Hive Mind, will lead the troupe with his analog deathstick ready for slaughter. Following close behind will be Charlie Draheim and Moth Drakula, two of the most terrifying chieftains of noise. (Those names really sound like they were made for tribal chiefs.) It will be their job to scalp the victims to expose said temples. And finally, Cadaver in Drag will dance with the corpses, occasionally smashing their skulls a little with sludgy hammers. How is America defending itself for this utterly deserved retaliatory attack? By opening up the basements of our homes and the seedy underground venues which were formerly hidden. (These venues were hidden mainly to keep such music from going mainstream, because, y'know, it could happen. We eat what we like.)
These artists are known for their devastation and they will be playing with equally destructive acts at every stop of their Midwest tour. Of course, I don't expect to draw many new fans to these performances — noise isn't generally a genre you ease into without already knowing a good deal about it — but I hope that previously uninformed readers will attempt to go see these shows, if not for the bands then for their limited release, tour-only, split cassettes and awesome, badass lathes. Good luck, have fun, and don't die.
If you can find these venues, you don't need to be reading this:
10.06.06 – Detroit, MI – Behind the Green Door (NOISY)
10.07.06 – Columbus, OH – Café Bourbon Street (SEX)
10.08.06 – Lexington, KY – Frowny Bear +
10.10.06 – St. Louis, MO – Spooky Action Palace (LOVE)
10.11.06 – Iowa City, IA – Hall Mall ^2
10.12.06 – Madison, WI – Club 770 =
10.13.06 – Chicago, IL – Mr. City (DEATH)
10.14.06 – Kalamazoo, MI – The Red Room (RIGHT?)
(NOISY) w/ Aaron Dilloway
(SEX) w/ Bath House
+ w/ Walter Carson
(LOVE) w/ Worm Hands (yeah!)
^2 w/ Runaway Five
= w/ Ettrick
(DEATH) w/ Noise Nomads and Bloodyminded
(RIGHT?) w/ Evenings
I have this really bad habit of subconsciously refusing to listen to music that's jammed down my throat by friends, no matter how much I trust their musical digs. It's just a feeling of pride or annoyance for not discovering it first, or some shit. In the immortal words of Rob Gordon, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains. I'm over The Arcade Fire, but if it wasn't for these persistent dudebros of mine, I would never know the wonders that are The Hold Steady and Bonnie "Prince" Billy. Oh, and most importantly (for this story anyway): Broken Social Scene!!! Like an idiot, I made my Top Ten Albums of 2005 list before even listening to the BSS self-titled disc, and while I maintain that Sleater-Kinney's The Woods would keep a top slot, BSS literally made me late to class daily. I would sit on the benches with the smokers outside the Humanities building, waiting for songs to end and slip guiltily into class five minutes late, clutching these big dumb headphones.
Moral of the story: being passive-aggressively jealous of your friends for knowing more about music than you just makes you late to class. And it also guides you to the state of nirvana that is known as the voices of Leslie Feist and Emily Haines. Since I'm such a nice girl, I'll let you in on a little secret: You can see the real thing in a city near you. They're touring with Do Make Say Think, a band that could very well be considered part of the extended family.
Hell, you just might call them superconnected:
10.19.06 Indianapolis, IN - The Vogue *
10.20.06 - Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse *
10.21.06 - Knoxville, TN - Bijou Theatre *
10.22.06 - Nashville, TN - City Hall *
10.24.06 - Dallas, TX - Gypsy Tea Room *
10.26.06 - Austin, TX - Stubb's *
10.27.06 - Houston, TX - Warehouse Live *
10.28.06 - New Orleans, LA - Voodoo Music Experience
10.29.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree *
10.31.06 - Tallahassee, FL - The Moon *
11.01.06 - Fort Lauderdale, FL - Culture Room *
11.02.06 - St. Petersburg, FL - Jannus Landing *
11.03.06 - Charleston, SC - Music Farm *
11.04.06 - Asheville, NC - Orange Peel *
11.06.06 - Baltimore, MD - Sonar *
11.07.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club *
11.08.06 - Providence, RI - Lupo's *
11.09.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Electric Factory *
11.10.06 - Cleveland, OH - House of Blues *
11.11.06 - Ann Arbor, MI - Michigan Theater *
* w/ Do Make Say Think
Everyone, I'm very sorry to announce I have some bad news. The kings of sludge brutality have recently decided to step down from the throne. As of September 24, 2006, Khanate — composed of members Alan Dubin, Stephen O'Malley, James Plotkin, and Tim Wyskida — are no more. According to Blabbermouth.net, Plotkin announced that "due to the lack of commitment of certain members" he no longer wants to continue playing. Apparently, "some players are more concerned with personal careers and day jobs rather than the advancement of music as an artform (sic)." Now, I have a lot of respect for people who can balance a day job with a pretty significant career as an artist, but if I ever had to work alongside a member of Khanate, regardless of how they looked, I would be terrified. It's a shame that they couldn't work out some sort of system for the band equivalent to the mullet. So instead of "party" in the back, it would be "make insanely long, grating songs and promote the arts" randomly throughout the mane of life (but still in significant chunks).
Known for their extreme style of doom metal with drawn-out songs that slowly pummeled from the inside, Khanate will be sorely missed among the metal crowd. James Plotkin plans on continuing performing and creating new music with bandmate Tim Wyskida, and of course Stephen O'Malley will forever deafen ears with the delightful sounds of Sunn 0))). There will be two last Kleenexes of metal (ouch!) to wipe the remaining tears off of the faces of die-hard fans: the companion album to Capture and Release and a bonus disc of a reissue of their self-titled album in Japan, which will contain previously unreleased material. All of the fan-boys on the Southern Lord forums with their avatars of scantily-clad Asian women were weeping into their keyboards this week, but luckily the members with avatars of shocking, fucked-up shit reminded them that the band members will most likely all go on to create more music in a crazy hydra-effect that will forever immortalize Khanate. Thank god for doom metal.
Q: What is spoken word?
A: Don't you kids know how to use Wikipedia? Wow, Wiki... way to put GG Allin and William S. Burroughs in the same category.
Q. Who came up with this spoken word bullshit, anyway?
A: The term "spoken word" was coined by that guy who seems to live in your local coffee shop who you always see drinking a latte, with a copy of Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling in front of him. He's never reading the book, though. He's always holding forth on postmodern philosophy and outsider art to some skinny girl in glasses and sweater and never lets her get a word in edgewise. One day, he realized that in order to keep ranting and raving without being labelled "annoying," "long-winded" or, God forbid, "pretentious," he was going to have to give what he was doing a really awesome name and transform it into an art. Thusly, spoken word was born.
Q. What could Jello Biafra, founder of seminal punk band Dead Kennedys, once the PMRC's public enemy #1, possibly want with such a boring and nebulous art form?
A: While many "spoken word artists," as people like Allen Ginsberg and Lydia Lunch (you're killing me, Wikipedia) like to be called, try to pass off their incoherent ramblings as poetic, Biafra does no such thing. His performances are more like well-scripted stand-up comedy, focusing on political and cultural issues. Think The Daily Show meets '80s punk rock.
Q: Why doesn't he just call it stand-up?
A: I have no fucking clue.
Q: If he called it stand-up, I would totally buy tickets.
A: I know, right? Anyway, that wasn't a question. Watch y'self, Q... if that is your real name.
Q: So is this crap really worth my 10 bucks, or whatever it costs?
A: Actually, it kind of is. Biafra spouts off on everything you're pissed off about, except he's smarter than you are, and well-spoken to boot. Plus, the guy goes on for like four hours and doesn't even get boring. If you don't believe me, listen to his new album, In the Grip of Official Treason (Alternative Tentacles). He probably doesn't even mind if you download it illegally. He's that cool of a guy.
Q: What's the difference between Jello Biafra and Jell-O Pudding?
A: One is artificially sweetened; the other is genuinely acerbic.
Q: What's your biggest Jello Biafra-related regret?
A: That I didn't hug him when I had the chance. He's like a teddy bear! And now his tour isn't even coming to New York.
Q: If the Dead Kennedys, in their current incarnation, tour without Jello Biafra, do they make a sound?
A: No; absolutely not.
Thus, spoken word Jello Biafra:
10.23.06 - Seattle, WA - El Corazon
10.24.06 - Eugene, OR - WOW Hall
10.25.06 - Portland, OR - Disjecta
10.27.06 - Olympia, WA - Capitol Theater
11.02.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - Opilis Union Hall
11.04.06 - Denver, CO - Gothic Theater
11.05.06 - Omaha, NE - Sokol Auditorium
11.09.06 - Antwerp, Belgium - De Nachten festival
11.12.06 - Albuquerque, NM - Sunshine Theater
11.13.06 - Flagstaff, AZ - Orpheum Theater
11.14.06 - Phoenix, AZ - Marquee Theater
11.15.06 - Tucson, AZ - Solar Cultural Theater
MuchMusic Sneaks Into MTV’s Bedroom, Puts On Its Panties, And Proclaims, “I Have A Little Digital Download!”
As the years roll on, Canadian TV network MuchMusic still insists on following in MTV's footsteps. After years of following its American counterpart's footsteps by regurgitating its awful ideas — Headbanger's Ball, less music videos, more painful reality shows — MuchMusic is now partnering with PureTracks, a DRM-ridden digital music file provider, to infest the already saturated legal download market.
According to Billboard, the service went live on Wednesday, October 4, and has since been offering Canadians their low-quality audio for $0.79-$1.29 CAD per track. To kick things off, the network has a promotional offer of an exclusive Evanescence acoustic performance when you purchase their newest album. And we all know how much you beautiful TMT readers love Evanescence, don't we!
Since I'm in a generous mood, here's a bunch of EXCLUSIVE YouTube videos of Evanescence for you to sing along to:
Wow, would you get a load of that gothy goodness. Kinda makes me want to go and buy some digital files. Then I'll take those files and move them from one folder to another, then back again. I just love collecting data; it makes me incredibly hot. HOTTT.
Please send your amazing Evanescence bootlegs to email@example.com.
Thank you for your consideration, and have a great day.
P.S. - When I say "exclusive," I actually mean "inclusive." Does that help?
It seems like the year is almost over, musically speaking. Once we get a week or two into November, the only things coming out are the mainstream hip-hop and or r&b flavors of the moment, and little else. The new release map for the remainder of '06 is pretty well-defined, with no apparent gray areas. So, one must look to the New Year for the next musical surprise.
Enter Ted Leo and his gang of Pharmacists without white coats. According to the band's Touch & Go publicist, last week marked the end of recording for their as-yet untitled new album. The label is eyeing March 2007 for the release of the LP, the group's fifth and first for Touch & Go. The band committed the tunes to tape with producer/drummer (obligatory Fugazi name-drop) Brendan Canty at Longview Farm in Northampton, MA.
Left without a finished product to be leaked online weeks before its official release date, the band have decided the only way they can get the new songs into their fans' ears is to go and play about five weeks worth of shows. The beginning (and majority) of the tour has the band opening for Death Cab For Cutie and most certainly blowing them off the stage (as opposed to the groupies, who blow, aww nevermind, you guys are already way ahead of me). The last few dates are Rx headlining shows, with Chris Leo's band The Vague Angels opening up for big bro Ted. What a way to spend Thanksgiving. The whole deal is finished in Seattle, with an Rx/DCFC reunion (ft. DCFC) and a Christmas concert thingy (for KEXP) that radio stations seem to insist on having every year.
10.24.06 - Northampton, MA - Pearl Street Ballroom (Benefit for Flywheel Arts)
10.26.06 - Upper Darby, PA - Tower Theater #
10.27.06 - Rochester, NY - Auditorium Theater #
10.28.06 - Ottawa, ON - Civic Center #
10.30.06 - Toronto, ON - Massy Hall #
10.31.06 - Toronto, ON - Massy Hall #
11.01.06 - Montreal, QC - Metropolis #
11.02.06 - Boston, MA - The Opera House #
11.03.06 - Boston, MA - The Opera House #
11.04.06 - Providence, RI - Providence Performing Arts Center #
11.06.06 - Washington, DC - DAR Constitution Hall #
11.07.06 - Washington, DC - DAR Constitution Hall #
11.08.06 - New York, NY - Theater at Madison Square Garden #
11.09.06 - New York, NY - Theater at Madison Square Garden #
11.10.06 - Norfolk, VA - The Norva #
11.11.06 - Bell Vernon, PA - Ice Garden Arena #
11.13.06 - Columbus, OH - PromoWest Pavilion #
11.14.06 - Indianapolis, IN - Murat Theater #
11.15.06 - Louisville, KY- Louisville Palace Theater #
11.16.06 - Birmingham, AL - BJCC Concert Hall #
11.17.06 - Atlanta, GA - The Fox Theatre #
11.18.06 - Clemson, SC - Littlejohn Coliseum #
11.19.06 - Orlando, FL - UCF Arena #
11.20.06 - Coral Gables, FL - Bank United Center at University of Miami #
11.22.06 - Jacksonville, FL - Jack Rabbit’s *
11.23.06 - Mt. Pleasant, SC - Village Tavern *
11.24.06 - Asheville, NC - The Grey Eagle
11.25.06 - Charlottesville, VA - Starr Hill *
11.29.06 - Worcester, MA - The Grind @ Clark University *
12.09.06 - Seattle, WA - Key Arena #
12.10.06 - Seattle, WA - Neumo’s Crystal Ball Reading Room (KEXP Yule Tide Show)
# w/ Death Cab For Cutie
* w/ Vague Angels
Jimmy Buffett Stopped at French Airport with Ecstasy (Allegedly); Threatens to Re-Record His Cover of Bruce Cockburn’s “Wondering Where the Lions Are” With Topical Verses
"Sun's up, uh huh, looked okay
Gotta take a plane to St. Tropez
Thank lord I've got my pills with me
Need some ecstasy to take a hold on me.
Shrinking penis makes me laugh
Have to take a soak in the bath
Convinced I'm seeing blood in my pee
Some kind of ecstasy got a hold on me.
Dream of a bevy of bronzed beach girls
Topless on my sailboat as the waves curl
'Why don't we get drunk and screw?'
Is an ecstasy poem from me to you.
The airport garbage smells so sweet
Gitanes and croissants underneath my feet
My eyes keep darting from A to B
A lot of ecstasy has a hold on me.
And I'm wondering where the lions are...
I'm wondering where the lions are...
Baby-faced gendarmes doing double takes
Just want to kiss them by a moonlit lake
They laugh and point their fingers at me
This ecstasy now is lovin' up me.
Young men count pills... I'm so dumb
Should have stashed it up my bum
Twenty, sixty, a hundred (it better be!)
Lots of E should've been inside of me.
A $380 fine is all I pay
"Prescription drugs!" my spokesmen say
Sell one of my Hawaiian shirts on eBay
To deal with ecstasy's hold on me
When the sun came up, uh huh, it looked okay
Now Tiny Mix Tapes will have a field day
Have to say goodbye to MDMA
Cheeseburgers and margaritas...
(pause for climactic effect)
...return your hold on me!"
If you're anything like most TMT readers, you're probably trying to survive on a pretty tight budget. After all, how were you to have known that working at a used record store wouldn't immediately pay off those student loans? [Editor's Note: You probably work side by side with a TMT editor.] Sure, it's only a temporary gig. Either way, you still don't have an abundance of surplus cash lying around waiting to be stuffed into the already bulging pockets of a billion-dollar corporation. For this reason, I'm sure it's especially painful when you ask a friend how much you owe for getting you that ticket to this or that show or festival, coming up on this or that weekend, and your friend replies: "Well, the tickets themselves were only, like, eight dollars. But with all those service charges, you know... well... (takes bong rip) I'm going to need $66.50." (He exhales.)
And then it happens: the blood rushes to your head. You feel sick to your stomach. Everything turns a dark shade of purple. We've all been there, and as time passes, we can all agree that this shit is getting far too common. You can't afford to eat for the next two weeks, and meanwhile Ticketmaster is looking more and more like Jabba the Hut circa the beginning of Return of the Jedi. And then you wake up one day to find Ticketmaster has your sister parading around in a gold bikini and your best friend frozen in carbonite. (Your money paid for that gold bikini! And that carbonite!)
The good news? If Live Nation CEO Michael Rapino can be trusted (FYI: Live Nation is a Clear Channel spinoff, with some Clear Channel hot-shots behind the scenes), you might have a new ally in your quest to make it out of the ticket-buying process without losing a hand. Apparently disturbed by the statistic that 70% of people didn't attend a concert at all last year, Rapino recently told the L.A. Times that he is working to secure lower ticket prices for the nearly 30,000 concerts that LN produces annually.
Although Live Nation is legally bound to Ticketmaster, the contract between the two companies expires in 2008 — which, as luck would have it, is the perfect time for a Third Eye Blind/Sugar Ray double-reunion tour. If LN opts to do most of its own ticketing rather than renew a contract with TM(not T!), prices for this super-tour and others could drop significantly. At any rate, service charges look to be substantially lower than the 25-35% TM has become notorious for demanding.
Take heart, hungry reader; 2008 isn't so far away. And in the meantime, enjoy some Ramen.