Dealing with a new man of the house is always a struggle for the children. In this week's episode of Bridging the Gap, step-grandfather Cyril (likes: "the three Ws: walnuts, westerns, and Welk") tries to bond with his new teenage grandson "Dagger" (nee Douglas):
[Our scene starts with Step-Gramps slowly shuffling into the basement rec-room after spending the last hour being lost in the laundry room.]
Cyril: (looking at Tenacious D playing on the television) There's ointment to treat that now, you know.
Dagger: (deadly still, glancing sideward derisively) Hrff.
Cyril: What movie's this, Fat and Fatter?
Dagger: Good one, Old Spice. It's Tenacious D. They’re friggin' hilarious.
Scene switches to Neil Hamburger, on TV.
Neil Hamburger: And why won't disgraaaaaced rock vocalist Courtney Love be having any craaaaanberry sauce for Christmas dinner this year? Ccccchhhhhhhhhhh! No Craaaaaanberry sauce to go along with the candied ham? No craaaaaanberry sauce to go along with the green beans... cccchhhheeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaa! Gramma's peach cobbler, huh, huh? It was reported today that she won't be having any Christmas dinner at all. She will have died by then of a heroin overdose..."
Cyril: ("neer beer" spewing from his nose) Now this is more like it! Hahahahahaaaaa! Who is this delightfully damp squib?
Dagger: Oh, you’re still here. That's Neil Hamburger. Listen, make with the "giving me cash routine" or go play canasta or something. I want to buy tickets to see Tenacious D live. This guy (sneering towards the TV) is opening the current tour for them.
Cyril: Well that playbill should be the other way around! Where's me corncob pipe at?
Neil Hamburger: And why did God, in his infinite wisdom... create Domino's Pizza? Well, to punish humanity for their complacency for letting the holocaust happen...
Cyril: Ha, ha... helter skelter; that's funny! Hahahahahaha... (coughs, clears throat, spits on basement floor) Who is this?
Dagger: It's NEIL HAMBURGER! I think he's got some sort of DVD out now on Drag City. A DVD machine is an invention that let's you play digital video formats. Apparently he thinks he has graduated from America's Funnyman to The World's Funnyman. He sucks.
Cyril: What the... digitalis? I remember 'Smilin' Sonny Viscount, the third, back at the old Cow Palace... he did a shtick — do you kids still call it that? — about having blue-balls and getting a gummer from Sadie Hawkins and hitchin' his pants to the saloon door at the old riders market. My word son, that had me guffawing for by-on two or three days!
Dagger: (in typical over-dramatic, family-tension scenario) I'm NOT your son! Or your grandson! You can't order me to do ANYTHING!!!
Neil Hamburger: I went to see an aromatherapist the other day...and she had bad breath.
Cyril: He, he, heeeeee! Furburger, you've stolen a piece of my heart!
Dagger: Ugh... MOM?!?!
Cyril: (slapping his knee) Yes, yes... talk to the Ham, talk-to-the-Ham!
Dagger: Are you having a stroke or sumthin'?
Cyril: You little ragamuffin! I'm not that hard of hearing, you know. I won't stand for this.
Dagger: I'm surprised your knees haven't given out already. You've been standing for 20 seconds now.
Cyril: A house divided against itself cannot stand. I'm off to tip seven cents on a coffee at the mall. Give me a call when your balls drop. 23 skidoo...
Dagger: Yeah, buzz off, buzzard.
[End of scene and series (due to poor ratings and poorer writing).]
Picks of destiny... which is to tour with Neil Hamburger:
11.17.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Gibson Amphitheater
11.18.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Gibson Amphitheater
11.20.06 - San Francisco, CA - Bill Graham Civic Auditorium
11.22.06 - Denver, CO - The Fillmore
11.24.06 - Chicago, IL - UIC Pavilion
11.25.06 - Detroit, MI - Masonic Temple Theatre
11.27.06 - Toronto, Ontario - Ricoh Coliseum
11.28.06 – Boston, MA – The Orpheum
11.29.06 - Camden, NJ - Tweeter Center
12.01.06 - New York, NY - Madison Square Garden
12.02.06 - Atlantic City, NJ - Borgata Casino
12.03.06 - Washington, DC - Patriot Centre
12.05.06 - Atlanta, GA - Gwinnett Center Arena
12.10.06 - Dublin, Ireland - RDS Arena
12.11.06 - Glasgow, Scotland - SECC
12.12.06 - Manchester, England - Manchester Evening News Arena
12.15.06 - Birmingham, England - NEC Arena
12.17.06 - Brighton, England - Brighton Centre
12.18.06 - London, England - Hammersmith Apollo
12.19.06 - London, England - Hammersmith Apollo
01.16.07 – Bellingham, WA – Chiribin’s #
01.20.07 – Portland, OR – Doug Fir Lounge #
01.21.07 - Eugene, OR – WOW Hall #
* w/ Tenacious D
# w/ Pleaseeasaur
Bloc Party are not touring America any more. They say you're all stinky, and you smell, and they're not going to play for you guys any more, 'cause you smell. Ha! I'm just kidding.
Actually, what happened was that drummer Matt Tong suffered a collapsed lung after their November 9 performance in Atlanta. He was rushed to a hospital and treated by doctors with medical equipment and stuff. A statement on Bloc Party's website reads: "Matt is in a comfortable condition and not in any danger, he will however be staying in hospital for at least the next three days for observation and it's not clear at this stage when Matt will be fit to resume performing."
Eventually, however, Bloc Party had to cancel their entire North American tour. Hey, go easy on the guy. Dude's got a collapsed freakin' lung over here.
I just checked Wikipedia to find out exactly how the hell Matt could have got a collapsed lung. Turns out you can actually get them spontaneously — especially if you're a tall, slim male. You know what, I'm gonna go right ahead and take a wild fucking guess that's what happened to Matt. But now I'm kinda worried. Tall, slim, young males? That's, like, everyone who reads Tiny Mix Tapes, ever. I swear, one day soon, you'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, when this huge WHADDA-BUMPH echoes across the planet. Just like that, TMT's readership is down to only one: that chubby dude in South Carolina eating nachos and wondering where the fuck everyone's gone.
Joking aside, TMT wishes Matt a quick recovery. Their next album, A Weekend In The City, will be released February 5, 2007, with a tour around then.
posted by nunpuncher
The Well-Meaning Crime Syndicate to Sabotage Bad Music Just Can’t Get it Right: They Cut Short Grizzly Bear’s Tour Instead
How to get your gear stolen while on the road:
(A) Realize that classic rock-infused post-punk is pretty hip these days and show the kids how it's done with reunion shows and the possibility of some new material (!!! I'm jawing 'bout Dinosaur Jr, by the way),
(B) Be palindromically from St. Louis (So Many Dynamos),
(C) Or stun the snotty critics with your simplistic, shimmering, string-laden (SUP ASSONANCE) album, Yellow House.
Sadly, Grizzly Bear chose (C). Throw in a grave family illness, and suddenly you've got the urge to raid Panic! At the Disco's liquor cabinet just to even the score.
A letter from the band, posted on their website:
Dear all,Canceled dates:
It's with sad news we have to announce the cancellation of our final 12 European dates. Daniel's father has been struggling with cancer recently, and in the past few days he's gotten increasingly worse. We were already toying with the idea of coming home early so that Daniel could be with his family… but then the straw that broke the camel's back was when our van was broken into last night in Brussels and a good amount of our instruments and gear was stolen, leaving us literally with only the clothing on our backs. With that said, we are incredibly sorry to have to cancel. We don't have the money to buy new equipment right now and frankly, we are taking this as a sign that Daniel should get home immediately. We send all our thanks to the wonderful people that came out to our shows thus far this fall. Hopefully we'll have our lives sorted out this winter and can hit the road again sometime soon.
Many, many thanks and much love
11.13.06 - Berlin, GE - Lido / KarreraKlub
11.14.06 - Copenhagen, Danemark - Loppen
11.15.06 - Goteborg, Sweden - PK Musik
11.16.06 - Aarhus, Danemark - Voxhall
11.18.06 - Utrecht, Netherlands - Ekko at Rumor Festival
11.19.06 - Cologne, Germany - Prime Club
11.20.06 - Brugges, Belgium - Cactus
11.21.06 - London, England - Scala
11.22.06 - Manchester, England - Star and Garter
11.24.06 - Dublin, Ireland - Whelans
11.25.06 - Edinburg, Scotland - Cabaret Voltaire
11.26.06 - Glasgow, Scotland - Mono
It seems like a lot of people these days are too cool to play board games, and to those people I say "Shut up, hippie." Unfortunately, it seems like the adrenaline-laden Monopoly battles that remain set in mid-play for weeks on end in the middle of the kitchen table are losing out to newer and flashier games, such as Street Fighter 2: Turbo and NHL '95. My daddy and granddaddy didn't fight the French in the Siberian wilderness so you could waste your freedom listening to FM radio and sniffing glue! Cut your hair and learn to play a real game, for God's sake!
One of the all-time greats is, of course, Scrabble. After several heated matches with a co-worker on lunch breaks, the game has finally seeped from the tiles through my fingertips and into my bloodstream, so that I no longer pump blood through my veins but rather anagrams. I don't dream of flying or casual sex with Kevin Federline or whatever the rest of society dreams about - I dream of the possibility of a triple word score, or, one perfect day: using all seven letters at once and getting that elusive 50-point bonus I've been wanting for so long.
I think that might help explain why, while trying to write an article on an upcoming Avey Tare tour, I can't help but find myself reflexively rearranging the letters of as many words as I can get my eyes on - for example, did you know that "Tiny Mix Tapes" converts into "I am spiny text?" A.T.'s label, "Paw Tracks," on whose website the tour was recently announced, becomes "Wart packs" when just a few letters are switched around. "Touring in like three weeks or so" becomes "sewer hookers like intrigue - not." The possibilities are endless, except with "Avey Tare", which doesn't really rearrange into anything remotely interesting.
Sharpen y'all's minds and bring them to the following tour stops:
11.26.06 - New York, New York - Tonic
11.27.06 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church
11.29.06 - Providence, RI - AS220
11.30.06 - Toronto, Canada - Sneaky Dee's
12.01.06 - Montreal, Canada - Main Hall
12.02.06 - Ottawa, Canada - Mavericks
$ - w/ Beach House and Over The Atlantic
% - w/ Peter Wright and Antony Milton
The very first tattoo I ever got was that of a Trans Am on my back. This thing was huge. I got home, took off my shirt, and showed it to my mom. Her name was under it in old English lettering, "La Chaguis." She hated it and kicked me out of her home. That Trans Am tattoo was the best thing to happen to me, aside from birth control (and TMT, of course).
Speaking of abortions, schizometric synthpop band Trans Am will be going on tour. After a one-off show later this year and a couple in February, this righteous trio will embark on a U.S. tour next April, in support of some sort of album, because that's what bands do. The last album put out was Liberation in 2004, but I'm positive they will be possibly and probably be playing new music. They have to have some surprises up their sleeves — maybe a Rumsfeld piñata, maybe smoothies for everyone. If you plan to join in on the fun, I have set up driving directions to each venue if that suits your fancy. Trannies, my work here is done:
12.30.06 – San Francisco, CA – Mezzanine
02.24.07 – New York, NY – Knitting Factory * early show
02.24.07 - New York, NY – Knitting Factory *# late show
04.11.07 – Charlottesville, VA. - Satellite Ballroom ^%
04.12.07 – Chapel Hill, NC - Local 506 ^%
04.13.07 – Atlanta, GA - The Earl^%
04.15.07 – Birmingham, AL - Bottletree^%
04.16.07 – H Town (Houston), TX - Engine Room^%
04.16.07 – Austin, TX - Emo’s Jr.^%
04.18.07 – Tucson, AZ - Club Congress^
04.19.07 – San Diego, CA - Casbah^&
04.20.07 – Los Angeles, CA - Troubador^&
04.22.07 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge^&
04.23.07 - Seattle, WA - Neumos^&
04.24.07 - Vancouver, BC - Richards on Richards^&
04.27.07 - Minneapolis, MN - Triple Rock Club^%
04.28.07 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle^%
04.29.07 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick^%
04.30.07 - Toronto, ON - Lee's Palace^%
05.01.07 - Montreal, PQ - La Sala Rossa^%
05.02.07 - Boston, MA - Great Scott^%
05.04.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda's^%
* with Oneida
# with Pterodactyl
^ with Zombi
% with Psychic Paramount
& with Black Taj
Yes, I am incapable of ever moving beyond unnecessary poop jokes. And when I think of Green Day, it brings me back to fourth grade, where I first heard both the word "dookie" and the album Dookie. It wasn't long after that both Green Day and I became somewhat grown up. Billie Joe Armstrong & The Butt Puppets are still making the same kind of music that gained them the precarious title of "The Fathers of Punk," while I am still laughing at the word "dookie." It appears nothing has changed.
On December 19, Reprise will be reissuing the first two Green Day albums just in time for you to wet your Fall Out Boy panties before good ol' Saint Nick pile drives down the brick anus to deliver that Mary Kay eyeliner you put atop your wishlist. The 1991 album 1,039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hours and the 1992 album Kerplunk! will be the historical context for the "Rise of Punk" for today's anarchist youth culture.
1,039 was already reissued a couple years ago and Kerplunk! was supposed to be too, until Lookout! fucked up everything. But when a major label reissues albums, that is when I start dishing out the cash. Reprise is packing 1,039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hours full of the same extra content found on the 2004 Lookout! reissue, including show flyers, nearly 20 minutes of live performances from 1990 to 1991, Billie Joe Armstrong's handwritten lyrics, and a 1991 radio interview.
It is also wise of me to inform you that Green Day is "hard" at work on their follow up to American Idiot, and their collaboration with U2, "The Saints Are Coming," was No. 27 on last week's Billboard Modern Rock chart. Green Day have a song with U2? Man, I am way out of the loop. I feel ashamed. Maybe I'm not the one who should feel ashamed, which brings me to my weekly clip of P. Diddy urinating, as it ties in with this Green Day story in no way whatsoever.
Next week (or maybe later this week, we'll see), I will write a story about The Decemberists along with an unnecessary follow-up video of P. Diddy taking a "dookie." Oh, man!
On the recent failure of the Bob Dylan Broadway Musical, which will close on November 19 after only 28 performances: Are you really and truly THAT shocked? Here's a hint: The words "Bob Dylan" and "Broadway Musical" should never ever ever be in the same sentence! These times they are a-changin' indeed, but as far I'm concerned, this smacks of the apocalypse.
STOP IT. Cease! Desist! It's enough that you decided to ruin a perfectly good Adam Sandler movie by beating the dead horse that is 1980s nostalgia, and though Billy Joel is a little more up your alley, I PROMISE that as a Long Island punk teenager, Billy was NOT doing ballet at the drive-in! I will say without a shred of doubt that John Lennon rolled in his grave at the atrocity that was Lennon, which failed because the "rock opera" is dead. Go listen to the Hair soundtrack if you're feeling nostalgic. Oh, and I can't even describe the shades of red I turned when I flipped through the latest issue of Vanity Fair and discovered that fucking High Fidelity is being subjected to Broadwayization. I absolutely, positively guarantee that Rob would have rather listened to 80 straight hours of Latin, Bulgarian, whatever fucking world music was trendy that week, than the soundtrack to RENT.
Pretty embarassing when you line it all up like that, isn't it?
Stop trying to turn theater geeks into rock stars, leave Bob Dylan alone, and do the unthinkable: write a new show. You can't let Wicked carry you forever.
Google Buys World A Coke, Then Buys World (You’ll Love This Story Because We Talk About Clear Channel)
The Economist recently wrote of Google's acquisition of popular video site YouTube: "This week's pairing of Google and YouTube may come to be remembered as the moment 'Web 2.0' came of age." Web 2.0 is a catchy phrase that describes the emergence of things like RSS, dynamic webpages, community-driven content, and web-based applications. The phrase, which has been criticized as a buzzword, does have some merit. It refers to the second generation of the Internet (which you are on!) after the wonderful dot-com bust.
The article makes reference to the AOL-Time Warner merger that "came to symbolize that era's excesses"; now, Google has emerged as the latest company to expand its grasp on tech communications. Google has been snatching up small companies for web-based applications and new search technologies, but the YouTube buy-out was a big step. Now, according to FMQB.com, experts are hinting that the search czar (tsar) could be purchasing a minority stake in Clear Channel.
Clear Channel "has been surrounded by talks of a potential buyout," and some market analysts feel Google could be in the market for a part of the historically well-liked radio giant. Google, apparently, is looking to expand into the local advertising business, and radio would indeed do that. Google wouldn't need to buy much of a stake, as little as 5%, to maintain an interest locally, according to FMQB.
Of course, these are just rumors. Google may never purchase a piece of Clear Channel, or it might. Who knows? I suppose we could Google (search) it, but I'm assured by the company that its servers would implode. Even if nothing happens, it is very interesting to see the power of Google. The friendly giant is becoming an enormous threat to Microsoft, and Yahoo! is rushing to compete. Many industry analysts have commented that Google is all over the place, creating too many new areas for it to dangle its feet in, often to compete with (or irritate) Microsoft. But now, with its purchase of YouTube, as The Economist suggests, "Google [being] prepared to buy, rather than build, market leadership marks a big strategic change." This only seems more telling in a growing effort for Google to expand into a much larger arena, even with rumors of interest in Clear Channel.
Attention Youth Pastors and Fellowship Leaders, we here at Team Peaches have an exciting offer for you, a way to really honor Christ in a fun way. Peaches, the Christian-rock mainstay (think Petra, only better) would like to invite you and your groups to a just-announced cross-country tour to promote her latest CD Impeach My Bush (XL). The album is quite obviously (by the title) a horticultural-based Christian allegory. To help spread the message, and get Christ deep inside of as many people as possible, Peaches has chosen to not play in churches this time, but the last dens of sin: rock 'n' roll clubs. A wise man once called music "the new pornography." So why not take it right to those sinners and help Peaches show them that Jesus is the biggest rock star (and he does rock) that you will ever know? Know in you heart, that is. Make sure to bring your Bibles and Tracts to the show. We’ll be having some Bible study and be witnessing to evil sinners and members of other religions after the show. Hope you can all attend. Go in peace (Jesus peace, not Hippie peace) to love and serve the Lord. Amen.
11.24.06 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza
11.25.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Trocadero Theater
11.26.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
11.27.06 - Charlottesville, VA - Satellite Ballroom
11.28.06 - Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse
11.30.06 - Fort Worth, TX - Ridglea Theater
12.01.06 - Austin, TX - FunFunFun Music Festival - Waterloo Park
12.02.06 - New Orleans, LA - House Of Blues New Orleans
12.03.06 - Tallahassee, FL - Beta Bar
12.04.06 - Orlando, FL - Club at Firestone
12.06.06 - Miami, FL - Art Basel, Miami Beach
12.06.06 - Miami, FL - Ivy Room - Small Room (DJ set, late show)
12.07.06 - Mexico City, DF - Edificio Nafinsa
12.09.06 - Monterrey, N.L. - Mcmullen
12.10.06 - Tijuana, BC - El Foro
12.13.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Avalon
12.14.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Avalon
12.15.06 - Sacramento, CA - Empire
12.16.06 - San Francisco, CA - Fillmore
When Dylan hit the pavement, I knew it was over. My muscles went slack. Knew the kid for 13 years, and I never seen a look in his eyes like that. A look like skulls. A look like a prophecy. I picked him up, shot him a grin that'd make a baby cry. He didn't say a word, didn't even flinch when the lights hit him in the gut.
Shit. How did we get here. For some reason, I thought of Jason Molina. Molina was a good kid. Always knew what we should've, but never realized 'til it was too damn late. You could see it in his eyes. A flicker in those beautiful blues, like the spark from a long-dead lighter. We were outside Jimmy's when I first saw him. Took a long drag of his cigarette, smoothed out his shirt like he was some kind of angel. Heh. As if angels would waste their time in a town like this. I leaned over, smooth as the smoke forming that halo over her head, picked a twig out of his hair, and I knew he was mine. On the way home, he grabbed my arm real tight like I suspected. I think I'm a decent driver, but some people might disagree. You see, I have a thing with road construction. I don't slow.
Molina had an idea when we got back. Kids like him always got ideas. Should have known better than to trust a kid with twigs in their hair. I know better now. We all do. God knows Dylan does, poor kid. Maybe Molina knew all along. Living life so fast, someone's bound to take a mouthful of gravel eventually. But what else can you do in a stuffy town like this? Pray? Heh. Shooting down the road, hot metal blazing, bank tellers wetting their pants - here was Heaven. And if I did it over again, I'd do the same thing. Molina had a plan, and we followed. When Dylan hit the pavement, I knew it was over. The cop threw his shotgun down, and I swear Molina had a glint in his eyes like he knew something. Something cold.
At Dylan's funeral, I thought long and hard. Real hard. How long was I going to live like this? How many more dead friends would it take 'til I found what I was looking for? Did I really think this would bring salvation? Heh. Thought maybe now I'd learn my lesson. Maybe now I'd call it a day. Yeah, maybe. But somehow even then I knew better than that. Molina shot me a glance from his pew like a bullet. It was time to get rich again. Or at least richer.
Ain't got no time for tears:
11.11.06 - Wellington, New Zealand - Bar Bodega
11.12.06 - Auckland City, New Zealand - Schooner Tavern
11.14.06 - Brisbane, Australia - The Troubadour
11.15.06 - Sydney, Australia - The Hopetoun
11.16.06 - Sydney, Australia - The Hopetoun
11.18.06 - Hobart, Australia - The Venue
11.19.06 - Melbourne, Australia - Northcote Social Club
11.21.06 - Adelaide, Australia - Grace Emily Hotel
11.22.06 - Perth, Australia - The Rosemount
12.02.06 - Asheville, NC - Harvest Records
12.03.06 - Columbia, SC - Acme Comics and Records
12.04.06 - Athens, GA - Flicker Bar
12.05.06 - Atlanta, GA - 11:11 Teahouse
12.06.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree
12.09.06 - Halifax, Nova Scotia - St. Matthew's United Church ^
02.01.07 - Groningen, Netherlands - Vera
02.02.07 - Amsterdam, Netherlands - Paradiso
02.03.07 - Bristol, United Kingdom - Cinema Cube
02.04.07 - Manchester, United Kingdom - Green Room Theater
02.05.07 - London, United Kingdom - Luminarie
02.06.07 - Brussels, Belgium - AB
02.08.07 - Karlsruhe, Germany - Jubez
02.09.07 - Geislingen, Germany - Ratschenmuhle
02.10.07 - Hannover, Germany - Glocksee
02.11.07 - Ottersum, Netherlands - Roepaen
02.13.07 - Arhus, Denmark - Voxhall
02.14.07 - Lund, Sweden - Mejeriet
02.15.07 - Stockholm, Sweden - Debaser
02.16.07 - Oslo, Norway - John Dee
02.17.07 - Trondheim, Norway - Klubben atb Stunentersamfundet
02.18.07 - Goteborg, Sweden - Pusterviksbaren
02.19.07 - Hamburg, Germany - Uebel & Gefaehrlich
02.23.07 - Athens, Greece - Planet Music
^ w/ Julie Doiron and Ghost Bees